The Perfect Answer.

The Perfect Answer.

Auld Joe opened the door of his pale green 1951 Austin A30 salloon. For some strange reason this snail-like model of car and it's corresponding van, only seemed to come in this rather sickly looking shade. The vehicle was the bottom of the range with no whistles or bells. It was very noisy while driving but it was reliable and replacement parts were cheap, easy to fit and could be obtained in the local coop or butchers.

 

It was Friday morning the sun was shining and Joe was in a good mood. His wife Cathy my Auld Maw, had joyously informed him as they shared a wee dram the previous evening, that she was now carrying their fourth child, my wee brother, who would later be named Joseph after of course Auld Joe our Father.

 

Auld Joe went through the ritual for starting these finicky wee machines. He pulled the choke halfway, depressed the accelerator once (if you depressed twice the bloody thing flooded) and turned the key. The 803 cm engine coughed into life, My Da lit a senior service cigarette and drove the two miles to Wishaw and McIvors Meat factory for another gruelling blood-filled 12- hour day of chopping the heads off of pigs and boning out the meat.

 

As if this wasn't enough to contend with, there was Billy McGovern.

McGovern was a typical west of Scotland sectarian bigoted bastard. He had a very small brain balanced with a huge arse and an even bigger mouth. It wouldn't matter what side he was born into, Blue or green, he would act accordingly, berating and ridiculing the opposite faction, believing it to be his God given right. A god whose house he never visited, except for funerals or weddings. These animals throw abuse at people all day and pretend it's banter or good-natured fun; it is in fact the opposite.

 

My Father picked another pigs head from the box and made the first cut from the centre of the forehead straight down to the pigs nose, he said to anybody who might be listening. 

 

“Aye A gote a wee bit ae guid news last night, the wife Cathy is expecting again, I'm fair chuffed, the more the merrier.”

 

The bigot McGovern, Piped up with.

 

“Fur fuck sake Joe how many brats huv yie gote noo then?”

 

“Well wie this wan that'll be four why Billy?”

 

“You papes want tae behave yirsells, are yiz trying tae take over the world? I know the Big Man (God) said multiply and fill the world but you Catholics are trying tae dae it oan yir own, Can Yie no wear a condom? Aw naw yie cannae. The auld Pope said yies huvnae tae use contravention, so yie cannae use a french letter. Tell yie whit, jist pull it ower yir wumans heid and tell her tae blaw intae it and that'll pit yie aff her, He bent his knees flapped his arms, he rolled his eyes and tongud  as he dodged about shouting 

 

" Eh, big Johnnie-heid running aboot.”

 

He looked around to see the effect his superior wit had with his audience, some men were laughing some just looked embarrassed.

 

Auld Joe rose above and said

 

“I like weans and if a weans gonnae come it's no ma place tae stoap it. Me and Cathy are happy about it and by the way McGovern, I'll huv as many weans as I and my wife see fit and anyway, am I not right in saying that you and yir wife don't have any children, as yet?”

 

Mcgovern lowered his head and quietly said

 

“Wilma disnae want any kids,she says they're noisy and expensive and they're mair bother than they're worth.”

 

“So is that your way of saying that yir baws don't work, eh Billy, so you're no jist an orange-man yir a jaffa.”  

 

This type of conversation was typical of the meat factory.  My father took the first opportunity he got and left the factory to work at Ravenscraig steel works. He was happier even though it was continental shifts and he had to often work the weekends.

 

During this time my father's friend Bill Donnelly who had a butcher shop in Motherwell, had been informed by the District Council his business would be compulsory purchased to make way for the new one-way system and pedestrian precinct which was planned for the town centre. The compensation would reflect the shop turnover so Bill asked my Dads advice. 

 

Auld Joe came up with a mutually advantageous plan. They would buy carcasses from the abattoir, butcher them in Bill's shop, and vacuum pack them into meat parcels, which Auld Joe would sell from a van at the Ravenscraig gates.They would share fifty fifty after tax and all would be legit, with the proceeds going through the shops till. This would result in the shop showing a higher turnover and the compensation would be raised reflecting the profit.

 

They made a veritable fortune. They couldn't keep up with the demand. They made money hand over fist. My auld Da splashed out on a brand new 1959 mk 2 Ford Zodiac. The car was stunning. Red, with a broad white go faster stripe down each side. It sported white walled tyres and had flashy chrome trimmed visor over the windscreen. A beauty, it had three forward gears, a plastic or Bakelite handle moved between three highly polished chrome circles below the steering wheel to change the gears. I bloody loved it and so did auld Joe.

 

He would take the opporchancity to drive it, just to do that and show off. With his shirt sleeves rolled up, the window down and with obligatory senior service burning away in his hand, he would cruise around looking in shop windows to admire himself and his wonderful machine while passing.

 

He was out showing off one summers day, of course he had the window rolled down and had stopped at the traffic lights at Motherwell Cross. He was sitting In the middle lane, waiting to go straight ahead. 

 

“Is that you Joe?” 

 

He heard from the beat up old van sitting to his left with the faded advert of McIvors Meat on the side.

 

Auld Joe, looked to the driver, it was Billy McGovern.

 

“Oh Hi Billy. How are Yie?”

 

“Aye fine Joe, Yirsell?”

 

“Och Aye Billy I'm enjoyin the weather, it's a fine day fur a wee drive, dae yie not think so?”

 

“Och aye Joe. That’s a lovely car yir drivin, is it yours?”

 

“ Of course it's ma car Billy, I don't run aboot stealin cars yie know”

 

“Where did yie git the money tae buy a car like that fae? Did yie rob the chapel?”

 

“ Naw naw Billy, me and Cathy hud anither four weans. Family Allowances paid fur this.”

 

The lights changed and my father lifted his left hand to shoulder hight. He lowered it slowly as he and the zodiac rode off into the sunset.