The Winchburgh Chronicles. Part 3.

“Say I. Yie there ya Zoomer?”

 

“ Course A'm here, A’m talking tae yie. Whit is it?”

 

“ They eggs fae Greengrass?”

 

“ Aye.”

 

“ A took them tae Allandale. A put them in the mating pool and sprayed them. The bastards hatched oot fine. Say I. Aye bliddy fine, Duck-billed-platypuses.”

 

“Whit? Fuckin hell. Whit did yie dae wie them?”

 

“A'm gonnae gie them tae Edinburgh Zoo... Here A’ve jist hud an idea. Why don't we get the eggs fae there? The zoo A mean"

 

“ Dae yie think they wid be oany guid?"

 

“ Well A spoke tae Dominique. She said all we need fur the experiment is young DNA, preferably foetus, if flesh or bones, but ideally, ovum. That means eggs Eh?”

 

“ Aye, A think sae, A'll Google it later. Cairry oan.”

 

“ She said if we can git her some DNA fae the eggs at Winchburgh, she might be able tae mix them wie ours and see if there’s a reaction.”

 

Dominique was a highly qualified Plastic surgeon and Geneticist. She had been recruited by Greengrass to remove the extra digits from the Winchburgh mutants. Due to her altruistic nature, she had been very helpful to all the lizard communities.

 

“ Okay “ said Paul. “ Sounds like a plan “

 

They delivered the Platypuses to Edinburgh Zoo. The authorities there were suspicious as to how two taxi drivers had come across such rare mammals. Ben stuck rigidly to his story of finding them in a box at the side of the road. This was grudgingly accepted. They were thanked profusely before being asked nicely to leave.

 

“ A fun them in a boax?”

 

“ Well. Say I. Whit wiz A supposed tae say?”

 

“ Look, is that not the back door tae the Lizard and Reptile house?”

 

A keeper carrying a bucket and a mop had walked out leaving the door open. The two, after looking furtively around, slipped in through the door. The CCTV camera after zooming in followed them.

 

The guard monitoring the cameras, picked up the phone and spoke. 

 

“ Aye control here, I’ve jist spoatted twa reptilian bastards slippin in the back door ae the lizard and reptile facility. If yie could tak a wee wander roond Jock. If yie dinna mind.”

 

“ Nae bother control. Is it human or animal bastards yir spikin aboot?”

 

“ Aye, They're human looking oanyway Jock. Yin hud a mean feel aboot him, the wee baldy yin.,I wid gang warily Jock. Maybe tak some back up?”

 

Aye thanks a bundle Dougie. I’ll tak Big Betty in wie me. She’s na lang wie them.”

 

Big Betty was a six foot, bodybuilding, Lithuanian nymphomaniac, called Bettina. She had spent thousands on factory fitted boobs. They were chained inside her clothes like excited watchdogs who were constantly tugging at their leash trying to get free. She had fallen out with her live in jockey. Two days later, after ejecting the guy from her love-nest. She was standing at the bus stop in Corstorphine. The guy attempted to pass her on his motorcycle. Bettina, recognising him, stepped out and yanked him with one huge hand, right off his Kawasaki. The bike continued along the road, but its rider was slammed to the pavement, knocking him senseless. Bettina ripped the guys helmet off, flipped his legs apart, and battered him several times on the Goollies with his bear-eared headgear.

 

Ben and Paul, oblivious to their impending doom, opened the creaking door to the Komodo dragon house. Inside, two large dragons, one female and the other male were lazing on logs. The two men dropped to their knees and searched for a pile of sand, where their prize would hopefully be hidden.

 

Bettina, holding a baseball bat in her right hand, waved it from left to right and up and down. As she tested the weight, she smiled and said,

 

“ Ho, ho. Dees are good thing my friend Jock. Tell to me why eet ees so heavy at zee front?”

 

“ Aye Quiney it’s fit’s called an Elgin basey. Fit yie dae is, yie stick a hauf-inch drill doon the heid o it. Then yie fill it wie lead and stick a bung in the top tae seal the bugger. Be careful Betty, dinna hit any poor bastard ower the heid wie it. Yir apt tae kill the fucker awthegither.”

 

“Okay, so eet ees not for hitting on zee head you are telling me. I weel try to remember thees.”

 

Betty opened the door to the reptile and lizard enclosure and called out.

 

“ Ve have seen you on thee kameras. Eef you don’t come out, I weel come een and drag your asses out myself.”

 

“ Say I. Fuck off.”

 

“Okay, I are comeeng for your ass.”

 

Ben, covered in sand from digging into the pile stood up with an egg in each hand. Paul was still digging; he was deep into the pile when Ben kicked his feet. 

 

“ Come oot right now hurry up, leave the eggs, A’ve goat two anyway, come oot now. Paul started to back out. The female komodo flicked her forked tongue; she smelled her eggs and began to growl. The growling awoke the huge male. He suddenly whipped his tail and his long forked tongue flicked in and out angrily. He came off the log like an Olympic swimmer. He snapped at Paul, missing him by a whisker.

 

The huge lizard hit the loose sand and skidded into the wall four feet away. The female was blocking the door. Ben booted her on the chin. she didn’t notice. He jumped right over her head, and before the ungainly beast could turn, he had opened the door and was out.

 

Paul was left with two dragons to deal with. The male lying on his back, was kicking and twisting, his long pointed tail was thrashing from side to side, knocking over plants and banging loudly off the walls as he tried desperately to right himself. His thick sharp claws were raking the air as he growled and flicked his tongue angrily. The female with her head swinging from side to side, and her long claws throwing sand and dirt behind her, came fast, and  threateningly towards him.

 

“ Cumoan, jump ower the fucker.”

 

“ Whit if it bites ma baws aff?”

 

“ If it gits yie in there wie its husband ahint yie, yi’ll huv mair than yir baws chewed aff. Jump fur fuck sake. A’ll distract the fucker.”

 

Ben stamped down hard on the tail of the female. She stopped, turned her head and snapped at him. At exactly the same time the male, on its feet now and moving its head from left to right, slithered menacingly towards Paul. 

 

He shouted, “ Fuckin-hell ya bastaaard.” 

 

and cupping his testicles in his hands, he ran and jumped clean over the dragon, he landed on his arse and his momentum took him right out the door. Ben slammed it shut. The noise of the two dragons hitting the door on the other side covered the sound of Ben’s yelp, as Betty tapped him sharply on the back of his head with the Elgin Basey.

 

Paul stood with his hands in the air as though Betty had a gun.

 

“ Okay I surrender.”

 

Bettina whacked him on the head saying,

 

“ Sleep, fucking asshole.”

 

The two lizard hunters rubbing their heads, sat on a rough bench in a disused reptile enclosure. The concrete floor sloped down into a large drain in the centre of the room.

 

“ Say I. Talk durty tae me.”

 

“ Whit wiz that Ben? Did yie say something there?”

 

“ Aye, A said yi’ll huvtae talk durty tae me efter we lift that drain cover. We’ll huvtae change intae lizards so we can slip oot through the drains.”

 

“ Great Idea Ben, but A don’t know any durty stories and if A did, A widnae be telling you, ya fuckin weirdo.”

 

Paul stood up and began to pace the room as Ben swung his feet below the bench. He spotted a door to the left.  He wandered over and tried the handle. Surprisingly it opened. He looked inside. The room was empty apart from an upside down galvanised bucket with an old stained cushion on top, and a neat pile of girlie magazines sitting beside it. Paul laughed as he picked up the pile and carried them through to Ben, saying, 

 

“ Unbelievable, it’s yir lucky day mate. “ 

 

Ben jumped down and while grabbing the drain cover he said, 

 

“Geeze a haun wie this bastard will yie?”

 

Five minutes later, all that remained, was a heap of old clothes, a pile of dirty magazines, and an open drain.

 

Ben sat in his living room watching the Great Escape. Steve McQueen gunned the Triumph T60 up the small hill and took off right over the barbed wire fence. 

 

He jumped up from his seat, and punched the air, yelling, 

 

“ That’s it, that’s fuckin it. That’s the way tae dae it. That'll show they inbreed fuckers fae Winchburgh. Wie a can ae nitrogen, A’ll fly right ower that fuckin hedge. A’ll show that long tongued, aye, and forked tongued,lying bastard Greengrass… Say I. Wee Ben’s cumin fur yie, yie cannae hide fae me noo.

 

“ Yie there ya fanny?”

 

“ Aye, whit is it noo?”

 

“ A’m aw exited. A cannae wait tae tell yie “

 

“ Well tell me, will yie, whit is it? “

 

“ A know how tae git ower that jaggy hedge.”

 

“ Whit’s yir idea Ben? A hope it’s a better idea than that Zoo fiasco. Ma heid is still thumpin fae that freak rapped me ower the nut wie that pimped up baseball bat.”

 

“ Naw it’s nuthin like that, A’ve found a way tae git ower the hedge… Nitrogen gas.”

 

“ Nitrogen? How’s that gonnie help? Are we gonnie fly ower it in a balloon? At least A’ll no huvtae look far for wan ae them, eh?”

 

“Naw, A’ll inject the nitrogen intae the carburettor ae the Zundapp, like they dae in that movie wie that baldy guy, whit’s he called? Oh aye, Dan Weasel. We’ll fly right ower the fucker like ET oan his bike. I’ll pick yie up oan the motorbike in half an hour. Say I. It’s gonnie be brulliant mate.” 

 

Paul put the phone down, and while shaking his head; he went to get his motorbike gear.

 

The familiar growl of the Zundapp was soon heard outside. Paul wearing his WW2 German helmet and greatcoat, climbed into the sidecar. Ben was similarly attired although he was wearing scarf and goggles. 

 

“ Yie right?”

 

“ Aye.”

 

They headed to Winchburgh. At the Tally Ho car park, Ben stopped the bike with a noisy and dramatic skid, he revved the engine a couple of times, just to let the locals know he had arrived.

 

“ We’ll go in here and git a canister ae nitrogen aff the bastards. A’ll huvtae split the sidecar aff the bike tae reduce the weight afore we try tae fly ower that big hedge. Talkin aboot weight, whit weight are you ya fat lookin bastard?”

 

“ Shut it ya dwarf. Wie you bein half the size ae a normal human being that’ll affset any weight A might be carryin. “

 

 Ben booted the front door of the Tally Ho and they swaggered in. Two big guys were playing pool while a third sat at a table reading a newspaper. 

 

" Awright ya pack ae six fingered freaks, how yiz daein the day?"

 

The barman stepped back from the counter, he raised both extra fingered hands in the air and while shaking his head he said, 

 

“ Look boys, A don’t want any trouble, jist take it easy, will yiz?”

 

“Ach settle yirsell doon fur Goads sake, ya webbed footed bastard. A’m only want a wee favour aff yie. If yie could see yir way, that is?”

 

“ Aye? A favour fae me? Whit could A dae fur the likes ae you guys?”

 

“ A see yie huv Guinness fur sale there. That uses nitrogen gas tae pour it, diz it no?”

 

“ Aye it diz , but A need aw the gas A’ve goat tae pour ma beer here and it’s expensive stuff.”

 

“ Away ya tight fisted, forked tongued bastard. Say I. A’ll pull yie ower this counter and ragdoll yie aw ower this fuckin pub. Ya tail waggin piece ae shite.”

 

 Ben stood on a stool and leaned over the counter trying to grab the barman’s shirt in an attempt to carry out his threat. The three big guys, one carrying a pool cue, began to walk towards the bar. Paul nudged Ben in the back saying, 

 

“ Ben watch yirsell, here come the cavalry.”

 

Ben swung round and while still standing on the seat, he stared the three men down, saying,

 

“ Say I. Paul, while A’m cleanin the shite up in here, will yie go inta the cellar and git us a can ae nitrogen gas?”

 

“ Aye okay Ben, but don’t hit them wie yir hauns, yie huvtae steer the motorbike remember.”

 

“ Say I. That’s okay A’ll jist boot the shite oot them.”

 

The barman yelled.

 

“ Right, right, yie don’t huvtae wreck the place. If it’s only a canister ae nitrogen gas yiz want, jist take the fucker, and git yirsells oot ae ma pub, for oanny fuckin favour, ya pair a bastards.”

 

They took the gas and left for Ben’s garage in Polbeth. Ben removed the sidecar and attached the canister to the side of the bike. He ran a hose from the canister to the carburettor via a t-piece with a toggle valve. To send the gas to the carburettor he just had to flick the switch.

 

“ Right let’s try it.”  

 

The Zundapp ks 750 carrying the two German helmeted lizards leaned low to the right. In one fluid movement, the riders using their body’s weight, flipped the responsive machine quickly over to the left, as they negotiated the tight Newpark roundabout. They straightened out and a flat, smooth, newly tarred mile and a half empty ribbon of road stretched out in front of them. Ben flicked the gas switch. The tone of the engine raised a few octaves and the machine accelerated quickly along the road. 

 

The two men lay almost flat along the body of the speeding motorbike. Ben struggled with the shaking handlebars, which were bucking and writhing trying to escape his grip. He risked a look at the speedometer. The bike was eating up the road at one hundred and thirty miles an hour and still accelerating.

 

He hit the brakes as the Lizzie Bryce roundabout raced to meet them. The bike overshot the give way and slid round the hazard, coming to a stop just beside the garage. 

 

“ Woo-hoo-hoo!”

 

Cried Ben as he banged the tank of the bike and lifted his goggles from his face.

 

”  Say I. that wiz absolutely brilliant, the nitrogen gas turns this auld bike intae an Exocet fuckin missile. Dae yie no think sae? ”

 

“ Ho ho, Ben that wiz wan scary ride man. A thought when yie turned oan the gas A wiz gonnie git sooked right aff the bliddy thing. The accelaration wiz phenomenal, ma front teeth are noo mixed in wie ma back yins. Aye Ben, that’ll git us ower that hedge mate. A’ve nae worries aboot that.”

 

Aye it will, but we’ll huvtae use a ramp and huv it at the right angle tae make sure ae a safe landing. Aye it’s aw, say I, in the trajectory.

 

An hour later, Paul, standing beside the huge hedge, was examining a four inch long and very sharp thorn. The dangerous barricade was full of them; if they landed on top of the organism at speed they would at the very least, be seriously injured, if not killed. 

 

Paul shook his head and decided to go with the flow. He looked over at Ben who was standing behind his fifteen foot ramp, which he maintained was now at the proper angle for his desired trajectory. He was holding his thumb in the air and moving it from left to right. He closed one eye in disdain, and looked through the other in judgement, as he pretended to know what he was about.

 

“Yie right? Cummoan, we’ll jist go furrit afore it gets too dark.”

 

Paul climbed onto the back of the bike behind Ben and grabbed his webbed belt. Ben turned round and said, 

 

“ Pit yir helmet oan this could git scary.”

 

Ben revved the engine intermittently as he steered the machine slowly in a wide arc before turning round and lining himself up with the short ramp. Both men cowered down like lionesses about to attack. He revved the Zundapp's powerful  750 cc engine, making sure he was exactly where he should be. He slipped the clutch, and the motorbike made it's way noisily towards the ramp. Ben flicked the switch. The bike shot quickly forward, kicking the mud and grass behind it like the rocket he had named her after; there was a shudder and a change of tone as she mounted the ramp. Still accelerating sharply. The bike cleared the steep gradient, and shot right over the hedge, while still rising, the Zundapp ks750, like the missile she was, exploded.