chapter two of the hidden child

My body was in convulsion, violently thudding against the wet sand, the cold soaking through my clothes onto my skin was terrifying. My body was going into shock I couldn’t move apart from the shaking. The pressure pounding onto my chest was painful and heavy. I was frightened, surely this was not supposed to be the way it felt when you are dead, it was not meant to feel this scary and exhausting. It was so relenting I just wanted the cold to leave and feel the warmth. In that instant, all I could feel was heavy pounding on my chest and hear a muffled noise, which began getting louder and louder.
“BREATHE GOD DAM IT BREATHE”, I then realised that someone was pushing against my chest trying to force the air out of me. This couldn’t be happing, there wasn’t anyone around, and I made sure of that. Why was this happening? I didn’t want to survive I wanted the coldness to take me away. As my thoughts began to drift, I felt warm gentle lips press against my cold shivering mouth and breathe into my lungs. Straightaway the sea jerked up from my lungs and convulse from my lips, leaving a lingering of salt in my mouth. I started to cough and splutter and I jolted upright instantly.
“Thanks goodness I don’t what I would of done if “
Said a soft voice I expected it to be my mother but it was a man’s voice, very quiet and very gentle voice. I opened my eyes and turned to face the man that was staring right at me. He looked almost as frightened as I did. He was leaning over me dripping with water and I noticed he was holding my hand tightly. The warmth of his skin against mine was soothing. My body was still shaking from the cold, which he must have noticed, because before I could finish thinking how cold I was he was removing his black leather jacket from around his shoulders and placing it over mine. I could not refuse the gesture; I was so cold it was almost unbearable. I slid my wet skin through the arms and wrapped it round me. I stared at him, He had such as soft voice, yet his face did not match his gentle tone. He had a rugged look to him, unshaven with an olive tone to his skin and floppy brown hair, which waved, across his beautiful eyes, they were as blue as the ocean and the way he spoke he almost seemed angelic. There was something safe about him like he was filled with light you could almost make out the aura lights around him he was so beautiful.
I went to stand on my feet, but between the drowning and the vodka, I seemed very uneasy on them, and stumbled back to the cold and damp sand. Before I could even think about standing up again, his arms where around my waist, they felt very strong but also very gentle as if he was trying not to hurt me.
“Are you ok “
“I thiiiiinnnnnkkkkk sooooo” I replied with my teeth chattering.
“God what am I thinking I should call for an ambulance you could of died out there. He had more alarm in his voice this time as if the seriousness of my situation had finally kicked in.
“I’m fine honestly I’m just really cold. I tried to reassure him. I was far from fine I was disappointed. Disappointed that I was still here, that this person, this stranger had just saved me. This was by far the last thing I would of ever wanted to happen to me I had my life planned out I wanted marriage, kids, a career but that was all taking from me and robbed me from my plans.
“No really I’m fine I just need to get warm then I’ll be fine” I wasn’t sure who I was trying to convince, him or me, and with that I could feel the tears stream down my face and I was crying uncontrollably in front of this mysterious man, a man who was dripping wet from saving me. a stranger who had not only denied me the right to end my life ,but had somehow given me a strange reassurance, a feeling of safety, as if he was so familiar, as easy to recognise as my own family. He cradled me so gently I felt myself relax into his warm body. He made me feel secure and warm and for some reason even though I had never met him, I needed him at this point, to cry to let the pain pour out of me something I hadn’t done really. After the tears had stopped, he wiped away the remainder from my eyes. there was something about this man that made me feel warm it wasn’t his warmth from his touch on my skin it was his soft enlightening voice so calm and peaceful the made me less on edge.
“Shall I take you home” he tightened his grip around my waist and pulled me up to him. My head reached the top of his shoulders and he looked down at me with puzzled eyes.
“Can I ask what makes you so unhappy that you thought life wasn’t worth living anymore?”
I stared back with blankness. I wasn’t sure how to answer that, I knew the answer but I couldn’t tell him. Even thou in some bizarre way it felt like I had known him forever. I just wasn’t ready to say the words out load, admit the truth. There was no way to answer him. I gave a little shrug and looked away with shame. He stopped when we got to the bottom of the steps and gently placed his finger under my chin and pushed my face towards his. He gave a sigh and softly said,
“If you ever decide you want to talk about it then remember this, I’m always here”, I looked at him with confusion, his words sounded like he already knew the answer, but that would be impossible. He held me upright all the way to his car, then gently released one hand and unlocked the passenger door. Part of me wondered if I should be frightened, I didn’t know this man and after everything I had been through, how did I know I could trust him. Yet somehow, I knew that I could with complete certainty that he meant me no harm. I knew he would not want anything to happen to me I could see that in his face when he dragged me out of the sea.
I climbed into the passenger’s side and before I even shut my door, he was sat next to me in the driver’s seat. He reached out to turn the heaters on I could feel the hot air blowing up from the floor; it sent a shiver through me. It felt so nice to feel my finger and toes again. My body was starting to come back to life and the reality of what I had tried to do was starting to hit me like a brick.
“Do you mind if we just sit here for a while?” I asked him quietly. He switched the engine off and smiled in my direction we sat in the warm car staring out to sea. I become lost in my own thoughts for a while I was contemplating what my life would have been like out if this had never happened to me. I became very much aware that this stranger was staring at me I glanced over to him he seemed to be lost in his own thoughts I wasn’t sure what they were but he almost looked sad.
“Are you ok” I asked quietly He quickly looked away as if awkward.
“I’m ready to go home now if that’s ok” I knew mum would be wondering where I was and I knew if I stayed here any longer this mysterious man that had risked his own life would speak my truth. I could tell by the way he was looking, searching for a way to bring the subject up. Looking into my soul for an explanation. I only lived two minutes up the road, I could have easily walked, but I was too grateful for the warm air that was blowing around my body it felt wonderful. I could feel my feet coming alive and the feeling in my fingers were returning. I could also feel the vodka starting to leave my body, because I was suddenly very aware that he was heading towards my house, when I haven’t even told him where I lived.
“How do you know where to go?” I asked sheepishly his bit the side of his mouth and looked uncomfortable
“I live next door to you I’ve seen you around a few times” I hadn’t seen him before surely I would of notice such beauty walking past me or was I really to drunk to ever notice him.
We pulled up at mums she was up the curtains where open she must of known that I wasn’t home. Had I pushed her to her limit did she not care anymore what would she think when I turned up with and paused I didn’t even no his name I didn’t no anything about him but some how I new shortly I would no everything.
“Can I ask you what your name? I asked quietly
“It Stephen” he smiled with the sweatiest smile I had seen in a long time.
“I’m Amy” and I smiled back and lost my thoughts into his mesmerising blue eyes
“Do you want to get some breakfast in a bit?” his voice sounded nervous was he asking me out, had he known my reputation and now was trying his luck.
“I don’t know” I replied wearily I wasn’t sure what his motives where and for some strange reason for all his beauty and rouged complexion I didn’t want to sleep with him I new that he was going to mean more than just a one night stand. I no its sounds silly how would anyone ever no that he was stranger but I new I wanted to see him again and I new that if I offered myself on a plate like I usually did I wouldn’t. Why would he want to see me again I wouldn’t. When you become as easy me people loose all respect for you I new that and I couldn’t bare the thought of him not respecting me.
“No pressure just thought you might like to” he looked disappointed and for some reason I felt guilty
“Ok breakfast sounds good” his face seemed to light to my response and he nodded in agreement
“I pick you up about an hour is that ok” I agreed that would be fine and I stepped out the car to an angry mother
“Where have you been Amy” mum spoke whilst glaring at Stephen who had just got out the car and was walking over to his house. I didn’t answer her I was to busy wondering how I never had noticed him before how he lived so near but I never seen him. I shrugged mum off and walked past towards my room mum was still demanding an answer I could hear her muttering to herself as I walked away but I didn’t see a point of telling her how I felt how this strange man made me feel safe and tingley. She woudnt understand she would automatically think he was just another notch on my bedpost. I sat on my bed and for the rest time I felt hope that this might be the one that would bring out the best in me help me love again trust someone.
I opened my eyes the sun was shining through the window. I had forgotten what it was like to wake up of my own accord, no sweat dripping down from my forehead no nausea sensation from the horrific nightmares this had been the first time I had woken up and I didn’t feel violated dirty like I was being attacked all over again. I felt rested and slightly peaceful the awful flash backs had not come to haunt me once. It was so exhausting yesterday I felt so mentally drained that maybe I had just giving in maybe I needed the rest from the twisted nightmares that haunted me like a poltergeist, but I knew they would be back, back for more heart wrenching terror, But for now, I was just going to enjoy this feeling of refreshed tranquillity. After lying there basking in this alien feeling of peace. I grabbed some clothes from the pine draws, and headed towards the bathroom. As I left the bedroom, I noticed the clock on the wall it read 10.32am. I turned the shower on and faced the warm water that was pouring over me. Then the terrible flash backs of the past night hit me like a bullet to the brain. My head fell in shame my poor mother what would she of done if I had succeeded in ending my life. One again the guilt washed over me and I tried to scrub it away. Then I remembered Stephen, his soft gentle voice his strong arms around my waist, then I gasped, god he wanted to meet for breakfast and I had slept for so long. I quickly turned the shower off and jumped out the bath to get dressed. I flung on an old pair of jeans and a white sleeve V-neck top, brushed my hair through and ran down the stairs. As I hit the last stairs I could hear my mum laughing, oh please god don’t let him be here already I thought to myself. I slowly walked through the ark to enter the living room. My worst nightmare was confirmed, because there sat on our sofa was Stephen, Looking even more gorgeous than I had remembered. His hair was lightly brushed away from his face showing his beautiful eyes, they were so crystal blue so inviting. My mother cleared her throat rather loudly; she must have known what I was thinking.
“Morning love, Stephen dropped by to take you for breakfast but as explained to him you haven’t been sleeping lately so I thought it was best to let you wake up on your own accord” she seemed embarrassed how much had my mother told him surely she wouldn’t of told him why I wasn’t sleeping.
“You still could have woke me mum”. My voice was agitated my mother was never polite to anyone I brought home; actually she was mostly dam right rude. I was embarrassed now I had not known how long they had been talking and what they were talking about, they both held secrets about me, were they swooping stories. No I thought to myself they would not do that I was just being paranoid. Stephen rose from the couch, he was so much taller than my mother was, and he was so much taller than I was. Yet he was not over powering with it. He walked over to me slowly and gracefully and quietly asked if I was still up for breakfast this morning. I wondered if he was referring to the events that had happened that morning, or did he really did think that I would not be interested in breakfast with him. Either way I gave a slight smile at his insecurities and assured him I would love breakfast. I waved mum good-bye I quickly left the house before anyone said anything that could spoil this day.
It almost felt wrong; I had spent so long being miserable that it felt wrong to feel slightly happy. Less than few hours ago I was trying to kill myself, admitelly I was drunk unstable even, but today the world didn’t look so terrifying I almost felt like a normal 22 year old. I couldn’t help and wonder if it had to do with my new friend. We did not say much in the car it felt almost strained, I did not know what to say to him and I got the impression that his mind was on a more important matter. He looked almost bemused as if he was trying work out a clue from the cryptic crossword.
“Are you ok”, my voice sounded shaky I was worried about his reply.
“I’m fine” but the way he spoke did not give me any reassurance; he was trying to hard to sound to convincing, as if he was attempting to put my mind at ease but instead he made me more worried. We pulled up outside the small cafe on the outside of tintgagel; he turned the engine off and gave a heavy sigh.
“Have I done something wrong” I wasn’t sure why he was being so distant he was the one that had asked me for breakfast but he almost looked like he didn’t want to be near me.
“No I’m fine honestly,” his voiced seemed high pitched now not as gentle as I remembered it to be last night. I knew there was something on his mind and I knew he was lying. I felt annoyed I wasn’t the one that suggested breakfast, I didn’t want him too feel like I needed a babysitter or he was obligated in some way.
“Are you sure? Because we could do this another time if you prefer” I tried not to sound too disappointed, going home was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to forget; just for a while and when I was near Stephen, not everything seemed so bleak he was like my own little ray of hope.
“No really I just got some work worries, sorry you have my under dived attention”, he seemed to perk up now, it was probably for my purpose but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. We left the car and headed towards the café. Inside it was busy and we sat down in on a 2-seater table, Stephen ordered himself a full English breakfast I was not sure I could stomach that. My stomach was already doing summersaults; chucking full English on top just seemed to be asking for trouble. The last thing I wanted to happen was for me to start rushing to the toilet so I stuck with scrambled eggs on toast. His mood seemed to have picked up and he was smiling again, whatever seemed to be troubling him had vanished from our conversation. We spoke about general things, he commented on how lovely my mother was and how I looked like her. He also asked if I was a single child, which I was, but he seemed to ask me all the question, he didn’t give me a chance to ask him anything. The young girl walked over with our orders and placed are dishes in front of us and I took the 2-second gap from his questioning to get one in of my own.
“So what do you do for a living” I tried to act not too curious but I did not know anything about this man and he seemed to try to dodge any questions I had.
“I’m retired,” he answered as he took a bite from his sausage
“But you said you had work worries earlier” my voice was starting to sound alarmed, why was he lying to me It didn’t make sense unless he didn’t want me to know what he did. However, before my overactive mind could continue he answered me in a very soft voice.
“I’m retired but I still own the company, I’m a carpenter and my father died a couple of years ago and left me the business I didn’t fancy running it I’m not managerial material so I got my friend to run it for me. Some times he comes across a problem and I have to sort it, but for the most part I take a back seat”.
I felt so guilty for mistrusting him the embarrassment must have reached my cheeks because he laughed.
“You look so pretty when you’re blushing”, my cheeks got redder I could feel the intensity of them burning through my face. I quickly looked down and tucked into my scrambled eggs. There was silence for what seemed like forever but it must have only been 5 minutes. I was waiting for him to try to ask about last night’s antics but true to his word, he never asked me any think about my reason to try to end my life. I finished the last of the toast and pushed the plate to one side. I was not used to having breakfast my normal routine was a coffee than half a bottle of vodka. I was feeling slightly proud of myself at that moment for not thinking about a drink first thing, but the thought soon made me realise that this meeting with him would be so much easier if I was more intoxicated with vodka rather than a pot of strong tea. After we had finished we headed out of the cafe and walked slowly towards the car. We did not speak to each other both lost in our own thoughts. As we reached the car in silence, we both reached for the passenger handle and once again, the electric shock rushed through our fingers. We both backed away at the electricity continued running between us. It seemed so weird to have this kind of connection with someone. I have never felt so safe with an individual in my whole life. The more I tried to analyse the reason for this, the more my mind would become confused and untrusting to the situation. I sat silently in the car waiting for him to say the first words. I was feeling was making any sense to me so I was not sure I could come out with a sensible sentence.
“Would you like to take a drive with me, there’s a place I think you might like; obviously I understand if you need to get home.”
“I would like that “I said.
We must of drove for about 20 minutes, we were driving through the country side I kept thinking that at some given point I should start feeling scared but it never happened. I kept arguing with the rational part of my brain that I did not know this person, and that maybe something terrible could happen again. Nevertheless, the more I tried to convince myself that Stephen was going to do something awful to me the more I knew he would not I had never felt safer. It was an uneasy feeling I almost felt vulnerable, was I looking at Stephen with tinted glasses should I listen to my instincts or should I be listening to my head. Because if this was real I didn’t want to let it go this could be the nearest thing that I would ever get to feeling normal again, and I knew if he wasn’t around It would leave a splinter which would cause me pain.
The car came to a stand still I hadn’t really taken much notice of the location; we couldn’t have gone too far as we had only been driving for 30 minutes or so. I looked out of the window and as I stared at the beautiful, scenery. I noticed he had opened the passenger door with his hand held out again. I stood out of the car and looked round. We seemed to be in the middle of a forest and I could feel the sun burning through the trees and hitting my face. He still hadn’t broken his silence and it was starting to make me uneasy, yet he still he never made me feels scared. He was still holding my hand as he shut the car door and he gently lead me to an off road path. We followed the path through the thick forest; I could hear the sound of the birds calling to each other and I was trying to understand why no alarm bells where going off in my head. Suddenly he stopped and looked at me, I looked round and I saw the most beautiful place I have ever seen. We were standing on a small piece of sand it could not have been more than 2 meters long, and beyond the sand was the most tranquil scenery I had ever witnessed. The slow movement of the perfectly light blue lake was moving down stream to the right of us. As I looked up, I could see old wild trees surrounding the lake. It was like a scene from a movie; I had never been anywhere so perfect in my whole life. I looked up to his face, and realised it wasn’t the place I had found perfect it was the man standing next to me. He was a picture of perfection and the more I stared at him, the more I began to have feelings for him. Feelings that I had never felt with anyone else ever before. A sense of belonging that I new I shouldn’t really be having. My mind was so badly scarred that I wasn’t sure if I could ever let any one close to me.
“Do you not like it, you gone ever so quiet”, he asked sheepishly
“It’s just so perfect I love it”
I’m glad you like”. He replied, he sat down on the sand and I placed myself next to him.
“How did you find out about this place?” “I stumbled across it one day and I’ve been coming here ever since I’m glad you like it I thought you might find it peaceful”.
He laid his body down onto the sand and looked up through the trees towards the sky. He looked so picturesque lying there with the sun sparkling against his olive skin and his white linen shirt, which showed of the muscles in his arms. I placed my head beside his and stared in to the bright sky. We did very little from that point; it was as if we knew everything about each other so there was no need for words. I felt like he had been in my life forever, everything was so easy with him there was no awkwardness just peace. We lay there a while and the only sound I could here was the sound of his breathing, very uneven just like mine. I tried to steady my breathing out but the more I tried the more it got uneven. He rolled onto his side and looked at me through his dark tinted sunglasses. I could feel the intensity of his stare, this made my cheeks flush, and I knew they were probably burning red.
“Are you happy “he asked in a quiet tone?
“Yes very”
“Then I need to know why you would try and harm yourself last night”.
I felt my stomach turn to knots inside me, he had promised not to ask me any questions about last night until I was ready. I think by the shocked look on my face he realised I was not comfortable with this Conversation.
“I’m sorry I know I said I wouldn’t ask I just needed to know why you think your life is not worth living”.
I was on my feet now I could not do this. For the first time in ages, I felt normal and he was taking that away from me.
“I’m sorry I can’t do this I’m not ready “, I started walking fast towards the path.
“Please wait I didn’t mean to upset you please”. I felt his hand grab me round with more force than he had held me before. It made me flinch away from him, he had a look of rejection across his face and he released his grip.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you“, he was shaking his head in disbelief I felt guilty I hadn’t meant to make him sad, I just wasn’t ready to talk about it.
“You didn’t hurt me I’m just not ready yet”,
“Please stay” he was pleading with me now “you have no idea how special you are to me“. Even thou I did not really know him I knew he meant every word, because I felt the same. I felt like I could not be apart from him like he was my world now and nothing else mattered. I know it probably sounded stupid but I knew he was here to save me, I knew he was about to become part of the bigger picture in my life. My body slumped, I knew I could not leave even if I had wanted to; it was as if he was a magnet pulling me in. I placed my hand out for him to hold, and we sat back down on the grass looking up at the sky. We talked and asked each other general questions about our life, what jobs we did, about our family life, but he never asked me anything intrusive. He always avoided any awkward questions that he knew i would not like, And somewhere joined together like an invisible thread between the past, present and future, I knew that the questions in his head had already been answered. That he already had a sense of who I was. Time and time alone would give me the space and trust I needed, like a small light in my heart waiting to grow in its warmth. A warmth that would glow and extinguish the fear of the past and allowing me to forget.