So there I was. Riding down the High Street on a sunny Sunday morning. Jacket zipped right up to my Adam’s apple. A borrowed bike beneath me. Only three gears.
If I were Father Christmas I wouldn't bother shoving pillows up my jacket to make me look round and jolly. I'd be the first of a whole new breed of introspective Santas.
It's not easy to find somebody to love you. I was in Waitrose on Tuesday - they had a lot of mince pies and Christmas puddings - but I couldn't find somebody to love me.
I lived in a small town once. The people there tried to stick me in a can with a new label. The new label said, 'ONE OF US'. The can didn't agree with me much and I didn't agree with the can.