If I were Father Christmas.

If I were Father Christmas I wouldn't bother shoving pillows up my jacket to make me look round and jolly. I'd be the first of a whole new breed of introspective Santas. Lean and pointy would be my look.

I might not make with the ho! ho! ho! a lot, but I'd slip down your chimney like a greased up penguin through a water slide. And I'd have way more room for those lovely mince pies you left for me. Thank you kindly.

Yes, there'd be a very different Father Christmas on the block. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen - Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen - you can all put your hooves up in front of the tv. My sleigh runs on long life batteries.

So get with the new order. You don't have to be fat to be funny. And a studious Santa would never give you something you didn't need. So let's hear it for slim and slender. And the next thing I'm going to do is shave off this stupid beard!