The Enigma
So, your life was not worth living
Then it was not worth writing about.
Was it to make sure we were grieving
So you left that note to remove any doubt
That you needed to tell us why?
Why did you have to burden us?
What good could it possibly do?
Why did you have to make such a fuss
Was it to make friends suffer like you?
There was no need to tell us why!
There was not a thing we could do
You created such a commotion
In revenge because none of us knew
So now I have drunk the deadly potion
Since you insisted on telling us why
You know nothing can stop it now
But it gives me no pleasure to tell
That I’ve broken God’s most sacred vow
So now I will see you in Hell
Though no one will ever know why!
Comments
gerardineanne | January 7, 2012 - 23:09
Hello Denzella ,I've been away and catching up on your stuff.
I think this is powerful in it's narrative and painful too.
I think, maybe,and I only say this because I know you say you want an honest response, again you could shorten some lines for more impact.
But you are an honest writer,you speak true.
Maureen
Denzella | January 8, 2012 - 00:42
Hello Gerardineanne,
Maureen
Thank you for reading and commenting on my poem. Yes, you are right I do want an honest response and I very much appreciate you giving me one. I know also that you are right. I do struggle with length of line and I try to read as much of other peoples' work in the hope that I will learn from them.
In the meantime I struggle on and I am glad that you cannot see the length of the lines of some of the poems I still dare not post!
Thank you
Moya
celticman | January 8, 2012 - 18:21
Ha. Certainly very poignant. I'm not sure about the use of chain of motion. A poem that sticks.
Denzella | January 8, 2012 - 19:14
Hello celticman,
Thank you for reading and commenting on my poem.
I like the poem too but I know the lines are too long and I agree with your comment about "chain of motion" when the more common term is chain of events. But in view of what has been said I will attempt to re-work it. Who knows...one day, I might just write a half decent poem. I don't intend to throw the towel in just yet...not when I know the world awaits a masterpiece. You will let me know if that day ever comes because I wouldn't recognise it if it jumped up and bit me on the bum! Still, I try...
Thank you
Moya
gerardineanne | January 10, 2012 - 09:57
The shape is neater on the page and the lines read more uniformly ,at least, to my ear.
What do you think,Denzella?
Denzella | January 10, 2012 - 18:22
Hello Gerardineanne,
I agree about the shape but still not sure it reads that well. I think it's an improvement though. At least I hope so.
But thank you for commenting I do appreciate it.