The Party A Monologue
In the present economic climate I have become increasingly disillusioned with the current political setup. All the more so since the Expenses scandal and for this reason I have cast about looking for a party that in my view holds out some vestige of hope for this country. The party that seems to most fit the bill is:
The All New All Singing All Dancing Monster Raving Loony Party.
After a great deal of soul searching I concluded that this was a party for the people and as a consequence I applied for membership. To my intense satisfaction my application was accepted and I hope, when you have read their manifesto, that you too will be encouraged to join our party. We are of the opinion that the Coalition will not last for very much longer and another General Election will have to be called. From what we are hearing the general public are behind us and so we have every reason to believe that we will be the next party to form a Government.
Therefore, I list below present Loony Policies:
Education and Defence
With Education we would replace the three R’s with one ‘R’ one ‘W’ and an ‘A’. The reason for this is that the three ‘R’s have, under all previous administrations, traditionally stood for reading, writing and arithmetic. It does not need me to spell it out; well actually, it does, because anyone with just a modicum of education can see that all preceding governments couldn’t spell. One ‘R’ is correct but the other two are incorrect and this from the people who, in the past, have been charged with educating our children.
As for Defence we would combine this department with that of Education by bringing back free school milk. In fact, we would expand this idea by providing free milk to everyone under the age of nineteen. Opposition Parties have argued that such an idea would cost a bomb. The Loonies answer is, on the contrary, that it would buy a bomb! We would buy all the milk from Sainsbury’s and collect Nectar points which we would use to buy a Cruise Missile. One should be enough, we are only a small island and popular with all nations throughout the globe…Zimbabwe being an excellent example! Besides we’ve got nothing left worth bombing.
To boost our economy we would sell Scotland and Wales to the highest bidder. In fact now that Scotland hasn’t got any oil we might sell Wales and throw in Scotland as a buy one get one free offer. We have it on good authority that Ireland would be interested in bidding even though they have no money because although they might have to borrow some more billions this does not give them cause for concern as they have no intention of paying back what they already owe. However, the only collateral they could offer was a recipe for brewing Guinness, which was of no interest to us!
Another method of boosting our economy is that we intend to go to the IMF and ask if, like local banks, they issue countries with credit cards. If they do then we would apply for one and then go on a spending spree and just pay back the minimum amount which would keep our heads above water until the next election and then it probably wouldn’t be our problem.
The Loonies are committed to taking money out of the NHS because it costs too much to keep the population healthy but this would not affect front line services as people would still be able to see a doctor. There would be a picture of one hung up in every hospital ward. Patients would still be nursed but the cleaners would take on this role under the supervision of a round the clock nurse who could be contacted at home in an emergency but patients themselves would have to take over the cleaning of their wards as the Loonies have been advised that this would aid patients recovery and do away with the need for costly physiotherapists. Apparently, there is nothing more beneficial to a recovering patient than having to leap out of bed, vacuum and mop the ward floor before one of the cleaners does a ward round.
There are some interesting proposals in the pipeline regarding Social Security, the first being that anyone who really can’t work will be given free passage to another country. Persistent but able bodied spongers would be collected up and deposited on the Isle of Man and taught a useful skill such as how to ride a motorbike in a TT race. They would only be allowed back on the mainland when they had secured gainful employment such as becoming stunt men or women as that is a profession that seems able to create very many job opportunities due to the demise of its many careless employees. In fact I can see real possibilities here if we don’t limit the criteria to able bodied…
Another proposal is that those people, at present on Housing Benefit, who are an enormous financial drain on our society, would be dealt with, at a stroke, by just giving them a house. Straight away there would be a massive saving in Social Security payments and why previous governments have not thought of this is a mystery.
Incapacity Benefit would change to Capacity Benefit which would mean the more you can do the more you get. Job Seeker’s Allowance would change to The New Seekers Allowance which would mean that anyone who could sing “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing” while waiting in a queue outside a Job Centre on a wet and windswept, winter’s morning, freezing their nuts off would get an allowance sufficient to keep them in coke, the type that comes in cans, for the first six months of unemployment. After that they’re on their own.
Pensioners would also benefit in that we would abolish them. Put simply it would be against the law to be a pensioner. Never again would our streets be littered with slow moving old people and by so doing we would rid this country of a further drain on our resources.
Law and Order
For too long now successive governments have not grasped the nettle and dealt with the increasing pressure criminals put on our police force, law makers, and the public in general. It is obvious, therefore, that the country needs a radical change of direction. The criminals in our society can no longer be allowed to hold the law abiding public to ransom and The Loony Party are the only party that would see to it that all criminals were dealt with in an appropriate manner. We would make sure that they were removed from society and put behind bars where they belong. This would keep them off the streets and would mean that all public houses would be fully staffed and so stem the tide of pub closures.
We would replace the sombre “God Save our Gracious Queen” – The National Anthem - with “Let Me Entertain You” sung by Robbie Williams a song which we think has more appropriate lyrics and accurately represents the ethos of our great nation as it is certainly true that Johnny Foreigner, by that I mean the one or two people that still live in other countries do find us enormously entertaining.
Another Social Policy that we feel will have an enormous impact on our society will be implemented straight away because it would be the start of a policy to gradually get rid of all the letters in the alphabet in order to get back to a system of nods and grunts which we feel would make for a superior system of government. With this in mind and with immediate effect the letter ‘P’ will be removed from the alphabet. One Labour M jumed u and shouted “You’ll never get away with inching our ’s. To which I relied “Iss off…you illock! We already have!
We also feel that certain buildings and olitical arties would benefit from a Name Change. First the Houses of Arliament would be renamed The Asylum.
Second, M. A.’s (Members of Arliament) would become known as Members of The Asylum. Third the Monster Raving Loony Arty would be shortened to The Loony Arty and its members would be known as The Loonies.
So you can see that, contrary to our oonents’ views that, we know nothing about economics or olitics, I think the voters will be able to see, desite never having been in ower before, that our manifesto shows that we can think and act just like bankers and oliticians. Furthermore, come the next Election, I think the Oosition arties will have a real fight on their hands if they try to get the Loonies out of The Asylum.