Short Stories

Hi 'Packed Off' left me feeling...how can I describe it? Um...**flips palms outwards and pushes hands forward towards monitor** indifferent. Couple of typos in there: 'monetary terms in meant early retirement for him.' Maybe cast a critical eye over some of your punctuation too: ' "I don’t want other people.” She spat.' I think it should be a comma and lower case 's' but don't take my word for it because I'm crap at all that too! lol. What was the theme of 'Packed Off'? I'll come back to thee regards the second tale. ;) There's nothing more mind-teasing than the incomprehensible eagerly avowed - Dennett

Hi 'Slanging Match' was uninspiring, unoriginal and **again, turns palms upwards and gestures asif to say "is there more?"** Again, I'd check spelling, etc. 'best Friend' being one of them. I'm going to take a guess at your age without checking: 14? Am I close? If so then I'd say that, for a 14 (or thereabouts) year old you've definately got talent as a writer and you've definately come to the right place to develop your skills, so welcome. ;) There's nothing more mind-teasing than the incomprehensible eagerly avowed - Dennett

My apologies regards your age. There's nothing more mind-teasing than the incomprehensible eagerly avowed - Dennett

"I'm going to take a guess at your age without checking: 14?" wtf? A 67 year old beginner writer isn't any better than a 14 year old. If someone's a beginner, with talent, but not much practice, age doesn't come into it. 'Packed Off' has two adverbs ('-ly' words) in the first sentence, which jars, and immediately gives the impression that the piece is overwritten. "'You won’t have any stairs to go up and down in the nursing home mother.'" Need a comma before 'mother' there - when someone's addressing someone else at the end of a sentence, you usually put a comma there as it can alter the meaning of a sentence eg. "Are you Josh?" versus, "Are you, Josh?" Also: "“I don’t want other people.” She spat, clutching her handbag." If you're describing the speaking action ('he said', 'she sat') after the dialogue, you want a comma at the end of the dialogue and no capital letter, because the sentence is continuing. Like so: "I don't want other people," she spat, clutching her handbag." 'outlive' is one word. The setup is a cliche - wanting to pack your parent(s) off to a home for their house. I think you need to do a lot more with it than make it a battle of wills. Also, as a battle, it doesn't feel there's any real toing and froing, or that the result is in doubt. Espeth is being stubborn - we've seen this before - we know she won't budge. The greedy son always goes away unsuccessful. Is there anything more you wanted to do with this story than practice retelling this event? ~ I'll Show You Tyrants * Fuselit * The Prowl Log * Woe's Woe

I agree with Jack's comments on technical stuff but, that said, I think technically these are both quite competently written. The problem is that that you're not saying anything. You've got a reasonable premise for a story but you haven't written a story. If 'Packed off' was just "son wants mother to move out of house so he can sell it for cash, mother doesn't want to go" it would tell you exactly the same amount of relevant or interesting information about the characters as the current story does. It is - as Yan points out - not a very original idea but it's very difficult to come up with a completely new idea for a story, the point is to show the reader things about the characters, their situation, their experiences that use that old idea to tell the reader something new. 'Slanging match' is also a story waiting for a story. The action you give us could be a decent outline for a story but we don't learn anything about the characters or their motivations, so it's very difficult for the reader to think anything other than "so what?"