Poe Girl...A classic retold

Since the death of her husband, Leah Cranium has successfully finished a batch of the family's trademark porter ale, Captiva. A family legacy since 1915 lands in the hands of a Cranium by marriage. This would be a daunting challenge for a blood relative with ale in their blood, so I can only surmise the huge obstacles Mrs. Cranium will have to overcome. Her humble background, lack of education, work experience and pedigree, or lack thereof will be a few of the stumbling blocks she will have to navigate in order to be a successful brewmeister. A brewmeister of one of the oldest and most successful breweries in local history.

It is customary for the wife of a brewmeister to be in charge of all things social and charitable. The brewmeister does the brewing, experimenting with yeasts, and the formulating of recipes. This particular artisan field is run with expertise, flair and a head for business. I hope Mrs. Cranium is up for the task. This inaugural batch of liquid courage will make or break Cranium Breweries. Will this novice from simple beginnings be the end of an empire? All eyes and mouths will be eagerly awaiting the answer to this question when Leah Cranium unveils her first batch of Captiva as acting CEO and brewmeister at the annual Witch's Brewfest. All proceeds from the annual brew and chew will aid The House of Hope, a safe house for victims of domestic violence.
Anita Robinson

"Enough is enough!" I threw down the paper and walked five steps to the end of the hall, touched the wall and walked six steps back to the table. Over and over. It was a comforting route I knew all to well. Calm down and think. He's not here anymore, it's o.k. I'm o.k. ..3-4-5, turn. I have stood by and taken her countless personal attacks hoping they would blow over. 1-2-3, I have ignored this woman and yet she is still here. 4-5-6. This, though, This is bullshit! 1-2-3-4-5, My professional ability will not be insulted. 1-2-3-4. No one messes with me and gets away with it. 5-6. Stop, stop this pacing. I am in charge now. The days of being a victim ended with Richard's death. Anita Robinson will pay.

The annual witch's brewfest will be perfect for my plan. Anita Robinson may have been a well respected, even feared critic but her contempt and underestimation of me were her weakness. She may have been a connoisseur of ale, but little did she, or most of the other people know that when Richard was alive, I was the brewmeister. He was the last of the Cranium heirs and had no talent when it came to brewing good beer, or running a business of such magnitude. I did.

The beer was flowing, the music was blaring and the smell of fried foods hung in the air. Laughter was plentiful and I had a long line at my booth. Captiva was a success in the eyes of the carnival goers. It was a couple of hours into the party when things began to get interesting.

I knew my costume was perfect when I saw Anita approaching my beer garden. She was dressed in a gorgeous turn of the century gown, the colors of a peacock feather. A diamond encrusted tiara sat on top of her head. She even had an accessory every queen desired, a silver bell to ring when she needed a servant. It was perfect, she was a royal bitch and I a mere tavern wench.

"Leah, hello", she gave me an air kiss to my cheeks. She was overly friendly and overly drunk. Her breath wreaked of a pale ale from my competitor and she had fried mushroom crumbs on the neckline of her gown. This was too good to be true.

"Anita, nice to see you. It's an honor for you to stop by my booth." I lowered my head a bit in a show of submission. " Captiva is a success but I know I have to diversify in order to compete. I have just finished a new recipe for a light pale ale. It's made with Huckleberries. I know you are busy, but I would be honored if you would come taste it sometime and give me your opinion."

"Huckleberries?" she slurred "Huckleberries? There have only been a few, a rare few who could make a nice ale made with Huckleberries. That is pretty ambitious of you. You are a novice. I am intrigued Leah. I want to taste it now." she rang her little bell and one of her lackeys brought her shawl.

"Mrs. Robinson, thank you, but I can't impose on you. I'm sure you have other things to do than baby-sit a new brewmeister. "

"It's the least I can do. Richard was a dear friend of mine and I feel I owe it to his friendship to make sure his legacy is not ruined. No offense dear."

"Well, if you are sure it is not an imposition. Then let's go. The batch is being made in the original brewhaus, down in the cellar. I felt it was the perfect place to try it out without the other employees watching me. You understand I'm sure, with me being a beginner and all."

The brewhaus was not that far away so we walked. Actually, I walked and Anita stumbled. She still had quite a buzz going. I had to hold back my laugh at the sight of her catching her shoe on the bottom of her gown repeatedly. There were a few close calls on her falling down, but even in her drunken walk she tried to appear like a queen and that blasted bell kept ringing.

We got to the brewhaus and went inside. I grabbed her arm as if she were an old woman who cannot walk without assistance. We were walking across the marble floor in the foyer on the way to the stairway when she stopped and stared. On the wall over the mantle hung two coats of arms. One was the Craniums and it was depicted by a red shield with a silver dog. It has hung there for an eternity. The other was the Amontillado's. My family. It was a red lion holding a sword on a yellow background. The words Nemo me impune lacessit were on the bottom of it. I hung it there earlier that morning.

"I recognize the Cranium's coat of arms, the other, I do not. Does it belong to your family Leah?" she asked while pointing at it. "What is that phrase on the bottom. Is it Latin?" She squinted her drunken eyes to try and see. "What does it say?"

I hesitated. She took me by surprise by noticing it. My stomach turned a little and I wanted to pace. Instead, I squelched the butterflies, stood up straight and looked into her drunken eyes and answered. "It is my family's motto. It means No one messes with me and gets away with it."

The laugh that came out of her was sickening. "Leah, that is from your family? Fabulous! I don't believe it, but it is fabulous."

I grabbed her arm again. This time not so delicately and steered her towards the staircase to the cellar. I had to refrain from throwing her down them. I restrained myself, gently took her arm and cooed in her ear,"Come now, Anita. I know you don't have a lot of time. You are a very important woman. You will be missed at the brewfest."

The staircase was steep and long. It was exactly 37 steps to the bottom. Every step Anita took that blasted silver bell rang. It was starting to get under my skin. When we were at step 22 Anita went into a wheezing and coughing fit. I held her tighter and sat her on the step so she wouldn't fall down. She was having an asthma attack, a big one. I gently pushed her head down between her knees, so she could catch her breath. This was not an easy task with all of that taffeta. After what seemed an eternity she was done.

"Anita, are you o.k. Do you have one of those inhalers?"

"I haven't had an attack in years. I don't carry one around. I think the dampness and the exercise triggered it. I'm o.k. now."

"Do you want to continue? We can do this another time. Your health is important." I asked her with concern.

"Stop coddling me." she snapped recovering from her show of weakness. " I am a reporter and I can handle anything. If someone like you can work down here, I certainly can walk down these stairs and see what is going on with no problem. Let's go" Her bell rang the remaining 15 steps.

When we got to the bottom Anita shrugged her arm out of my hold. She took off her shoes, grabbed the bottom of her dress and strutted without further assistance. "For God's sake Leah, how much further do we have to go"

I grabbed the flashlights I had waiting and handed one to Anita. I turned mine on and led the way. There wasn't much light until you got to the end of the house. "Did you know that Richard was really into the medieval dungeon games?"

Anita smirked a little. "Leah, I am not going to pretend anymore that you didn't know that Richard and I had an affair. Of course I knew, he liked to role play during our little liaisons. He would be the lord of the manor and I would be..." she stopped suddenly when she noticed the shackles. "What is that?"

It took me a minute to recover from what she said. Of course I knew about her affair, but the boldness of the statement shocked me. The contempt in the way she spoke was disgusting, even for her. She had no respect for me at all, not even as a fellow human being.

I took a deep breath then I shined my light on the object of her intrigue. "Ahh, that is what I was talking about. This is from his private collection. It is supposedly the shackles his great, great, great grandfather used on competitors who would try to steal the original recipe for Captiva. He was obsessed with power and control just like his ancestors. Would you like a closer look?"

She was already up there getting a closer look when the chance presented itself. I quickly banged her head against the wall. She slumped and fell down. I picked her up, turned her around and secured her to the shackles. She came around pretty fast and still had that damned bell in her hand. Every time she screamed and cursed the bell rang. The constant noises were going through my head and blinding me.

"Shut up! Shut up!" I backhanded her with a fierce slap that stung the back of my hand. It shocked her and she became quiet and still. I believe she was sobering up.

I had to stand still and get my breath. This chaos had to stop. The room was spinning and I needed complete silence. I started using breathing techniques I learned at Lamaze classes when I was a coach for my sister. It was working, the breathing that helps you prepare for birth, prepares you for death. Amazing.

"Leah, what the hell are you doing?" She was still trying to boss me around while being shackled in a dark, damp cellar. I guess I had to admire her for that. It has taken me a long time to stick up for myself. Then she started to wheeze a bit. Finally, she was nervous.

"Hush, you aren't going to have another coughing fit are you?" Now I was disgusted with her. I went to my tool box that I had down there and brought out my trowel. She noticed that next to my tool box was the mortar and bricks. She was an observant creature. I'll give her that. I guess that is one of her special gifts that helped make her an excellent beer critic, reporter and whore.

"Anita, you know about my humble beginnings. The ones that you always write about. Did you know I come from a long line of Masons? Even though the group is for men, my grandfather taught me a lot. He even let me in on some of the secret rituals they do to initiate you in the club." She was stunned. or scared. I continued chatting.

"I have also been the beermeister at Cranium Breweries the entire time I was married to Richard. Well, except for the first year. Do you remember the year of all the disasters? The one where they used all the available PR at their disposal to look like the beer had been tainted by infiltrators from another brewery. Every mishap that happened that year was because of the ignorance of Richard. He had no talent for brewing, business or anything that required a brain." I let out a belly laugh, because I just realized that he was dumb and his last name was Cranium. The song Ironic came into my head immediately and I started singing.

Isn't it ironic...Don't you think?

"It's like ray-ey-ain..on your wedding day,
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...it figures

Anita was horrified at this point and I looked at her with curiosity. "Don't you like that song?"

She whimpered, "Is this because I had an affair with Richard?"

My God, she was as stupid as he was. "No, you see as I was saying, Richard had no talent for the business, well accept for the schmoozing part of it. He was the face of Cranium breweries, and what a pretty face it was. If you don't remember his handsome face you can see it for yourself. He is in the vault right next to you. His face is probably gone by now though. Flesh has a way of going away after time."

"I thought he went missing and was presumed dead on that ski trip? You killed him?" Fear was seeping in now.

Anita went into another coughing fit, followed by unattractive heaving at the thought of Richard being next to her, dead. She knew I was serious at this point. Finally, a little respect. That is all I wanted. That isn't so much to ask. I am a human being.

I began on the third tier of bricks and she wanted to talk, to beg for her life, but it is my time to talk. "We were very happy when we married. We weathered the year of the disaster. I learned that I had a natural gift for brewing, so I took over. We were a successful brewery once again and The Cranium's were thrilled. Only a close few knew of the situation. I let Richard take the credit. I didn't care about that. I loved him. I just wanted to have a happy family."

Anita, was trying very hard to hold back the wheezing, but the bell kept ringing. She knew it was upsetting me and she just kept on ringing it. She let out a string of loud screams alternating with defiant silence. The bell kept ringing all along.

"Brave till the end, huh sugar. The bell keeps ringing but no servants are coming. Are they?" I laughed at my own wit. This domination business is more fun than being the victim. "As I was saying, I was the one at the helm and after awhile Richard couldn't handle it. So, he took out his frustrations on me. The first time he hit me, he cried and begged for forgiveness. He said, he didn't know how to handle the failure. How could the man of the house let the woman do all the work? He was ashamed."

Anita stared at me in horror. It was becoming clear to her now. "Leah, did he continue to beat you? That must have been so hard. I saw you at all the functions. You never let on. I just thought, you were a shy mouse of a woman, out of your element. I wondered what someone as dynamic as Richard saw in you. I wanted him to leave you and be with me, now I know why. I'm sorry" she said with a bit of venom dripping in her tone masquerading as sympathy.

"isn't it ironic...don't you think...it's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.." I sang a bit more. " I love that song and I can't seem to get it out of my head. " I rotated my shoulders to shake out the stiffness from the brick laying and continued my story.

" Yes, Anita, the beatings became more frequent and more intense. He knew just where to hit me so it wouldn't show. He also liked taking his aggressions out on me in the bedroom. I wanted to leave, but I feared for my life. However, I am smarter than a Cranium. I am an Amontillado, you remember our motto. Don't you? No one messes with me and gets away with it. So, he paid." I went back to the soothing hard work of laying the bricks and story telling.

" I knew his obsession with shackles and enticed him down here with my Huckleberry ale, just like you. Along with pushing me around that is another thing you have in common." I took a deep breath and continued.

"He loved it. He was turned on by my aggressiveness. I seduced him with kisses and ale. I stroked his ego and his alter ego. The rest, well, I don't kiss and tell. You will have an eternity to talk it over with him though. Your dreams are about to come true, you are going to be with him forever."

The tiers were about up to her neck now and I was getting thirsty. I pulled out a couple of the infamous Huckleberry ale bottles, opened them and took a swig. Then I looked at Anita. "Where are my manners, here take a sip."

I held it up to her mouth and she took a drink. Even in shackles she was a critic. " I could tell she liked it immediately. She swirled it around in her mouth, her eyes went hazy then she spit the sweet ale in my face.

I wiped it off with the back of my arm and laughed. "I should have seen that coming. It's time to finish. I want to get back to the carnival and see how much money was raised for Hope House. A worthy charity, don't you think? "

The last of the bricks were going up when she went into a big coughing fit. She was hacking, coughing, wheezing and screaming. The bell was ringing constantly. I couldn't take it anymore, so with one more swipe of mortar I set the trowel down. The brick was heavy and was hard to get into the last hole.

Anita, could barely breathe, yet she was trying to scream. "Leah, I am begging you to stop. Please"

I hesitated for a moment. I was struggling with my conscience and the ringing of the bell wouldn't stop. Breathe, I needed to breath. 1 breath, 2 breath, 3 breath. That is better. I was in control again.

"Anita, I learned early on that begging doesn't work. You just have to suck it up and take it. Then, if you are smart enough you take control back. Goodbye."

The last brick went in smoothly this time. The ringing stopped. There was silence, blissful silence.

I sat down and took another swig of my pride and joy. The first taste was sweet, then a bitterness followed. I am going to have to tweak the recipe some. It will be a shame that I won't get feedback from these two. I laughed at myself again. No, not really. I make the rules now. I am an Amontillado.

Nemo me impune lacessit!