Through the Haze - Part Nineteen

When things get bad, sometimes we just need a friend to help us through. --Sanchez Mikano, Book of Hope
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BEEP....BEEP....BEEP...BEEP...BEEP....BEEP...BEEP..BEEP..BEEP..BEEP.BEEP.BEEP...BEEP....BEEP...

Gabriel listened to the alternating beeps that somehow breeched the interior of his mind, making it through the haze as it sought him out and guided him out of the darkness that threatened to claim him. His eyes slowly fluttered open and he glanced around. The walls were white, the ceiling was white, the sheet that covered him was white, his pillow was white...Everything was white. It was a dull color, he dimly noted. A breathing mask covered his mouth and nose, helping him to breathe. It misted, briefly, when he let out a breath. He noticed the bandages that covered his chest and torse, and slowly lifted his hand, feeling something itching on it. An IV was in his right wrist, being evasive of the bandages that surrounded it. A dull pain throbbed in his right arm, reminding him of what had happened.

He felt something on his head, and dimly noted the bandaging that was there, under his bangs. Why was that there? He couldn't remember being hurt there, though he was sure his headache had something to do with that. He sighed and the breathing mask misted briefly. Things started coming back to him, slowly. The chill. The sickness. Lou...

Loukoi. He'd been attacked, too, back at the hotel. What had happened to him? Where was he? He glanced around, but didn't see his friend anywhere. He was in the hospital, too. He absolutely HATED hospitals, and knew that Lou wouldn't bring him there unless it was a necessity.

He allowed his eyes to slip closed. He wasn't sure how long he lie there, slowly curling and uncurling his fingers to calm himself, when the door opened and closed and footfalls announced the arrival of a visitor.

He opened his eyes to see Lou coming closer to the bed, looking exhausted and deflated, completely out of energy. Lou's eyes brightened when he saw that Gabriel was awake, though.

"Finally woke up, I see," he said, trying to smile, but it came out like a grimace.

Gabriel flinched inward. "What's wrong?" he searched Lou's face for an answer, but it looked so tired and drawn that that was all he could see. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Gabe. I'm perfectly fine, just really, really tired. You, on the otherhand, scared the shit out of me."

"...I'm sorry."

"Damn right you're sorry," Lou snapped, eyes suddenly hot with anger. "Do you know how I felt when you went out like that? When you stopped fighting and gave up? When you stopped breathing? Do you have any idea what that was like for me?"

"...I'm sorry..." he said again, looking away.

"How could you do that? You were weakened enough already, Gabriel! Why'd you have to go up against that thing, too? Why? Do you have some sort of death wish?"

"No..."

"Well then? Why?"

"...It would have killed you..."

"Like it almost did to you? Gabriel, you should have let me fight it. Don't pick my battles. You were in no condition to do what you did, and you know it. Do you want to die, is that it?" Lou's voice was angry and pained all in one.

It made Gabriel's heart ache. "No."

"Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

"No..."

"Well, you're making it look like you are! Do you know how scared I was when you two went at it? Do you know what I was feeling? Do you?"

"No..."

"Of course not. Do you have any idea what that was like for me? Watching my best friend die right in front of me? Do you have any idea...?"

"No..."

"Of course you don't! You should have let me fight it! Let me pick my own fights!"

"...You would have died..."

"Then let me die! Let me die in my own fight, Gabe! Don't pick my battles, that's my job. You were in no condition to do what you did, and you knew it. You KNEW it, Gabe. You did. Do you know what it would have been like for me if you had died trying to fight my battle? Do you? It came to me first, Gabe. You woke up when it was after me. It was my fight."

"Not going to let you die."

"But you don't mind dying in place, right? Do you know what that would have been like for me?"

"I'm sorry, Lou, but you would have died...." Gabriel murmured, glaring at the far wall.

"I may not be as strong as you, but I can fight. Let me fight my own battles, don't try to protect me. Do I make you stay out of battles? Do I make you stay put just because you could die? No, I don't. So don't do it to me."

"....I'm sorry..." Gabriel whispered.

"Are you trying to push me away?" Lou asked.

"What? No!"

"Because that's what you're doing. You don't talk to me anymore, Gabe. For these past few months, you hardly talk. You hardly eat. And when I try to help, you push me away or change the subject. You're pushing me away. Is that what you want? For me to go away?"

"No!"

"Because I'll go if that's what you want. I came to look after you, but it seems that you don't even care enough to look after yourself. And I just...I can't...." he trailed off shakily.

Gabriel looked at him, feeling a stinging sensation in his eyes. He blinked them repeatedly. "...Can't what?" he asked, though he wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer.

"I can't do this anymore...." Lou whispered, hanging his head low from where he stood next to the bed. "I just...I can't, Gabe..."

"...Can't do what?"

"I can't do this....I'm not strong enough. I can't keep going with you. You didn't want me along originally, anyway. I'm going to go home, or maybe I'll just go get wasted in a bar. But I can't do this anymore. I don't want to be there when you decide that you've had enough and give up and let yourself die. I can't deal with this anymore, Gabe...I just can't. I don't want to be there when you die. I wouldn't be able to take it. I can't do this anymore..."

Gabriel blinked to clear his suddenly blurry vision. "Lou..."

Lou shook his head. "Don't apologize again. You are who you are. You've always been like this, Gabe, but here lately it's just gotten worse. You just don't care anymore, do you?"

"I do-"

"Prove it," Lou said lowly as he looked up. His eyes were red and glimmered with unshed tears. "Prove it, Gabriel. Prove it to me that you care about your life."

Gabriel hesitated.

Lou nodded. "That's what I thought."

"Tell me what to do to prove it, Lou, and I will."

Lou shook his head. "No, Gabe. No more. You don't care about your own life. I wanted to go with you, brother, to watch your back, but I can't do it all. I can't do it alone. I can't...I'm only one person. I find it's just too hard to save a life that doesn't want to be saved." he turned away from Gabriel his head hung low as he brought a hand up and wiped at his eyes.

Gabriel watched him, feeling something deep within him break.

"I'm sorry...but I have to go. I can't do this anymore, and I'm sorry. I tried, Gabe, I really did. But I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I'm not strong enough."

"Lou-"

"I know you tried to fight it, Gabe. When you were sick, you tried. But you did that in your condition. You went up against that thing when it was my battle. You almost died! Why?"

"Because I..." he swallowed. "I didn't want you to die," he answered truthfully.

"And I didn't want YOU to die, you idiot," he said. "I've been up here for three days, wondering if you'd wake up, wondering if you'd live, wondering if you'd have the will to come back. You woke up, and I'm happy, I'm overjoyed that you lived, but I just can't do this anymore. I'm at my limit. I can't."

"I'm sorry..."

Lou sighed heavily. "I know. And I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry for yelling at you. I'm sorry I failed you."

"You didn't-"

"I did. I don't know what I did wrong, but I'm sorry for whatever it was. I wish you'd care more for your own life, Gabe. I really do."

"I do-"

"Really? Prove it," he said again, his voice a mere whisper. "Prove it."

"Lou, please-"

"Prove it."

"Please-"

Lou sighed and shook his head. "My train is coming in three hours. I'm going to go to a bar until then. Goodbye, Gabe. When you care about yourself, look me up." he started to walk out of the room.

"Lou, wait, please...please don't go," Gabriel whispered desperately, feeling tears burn in his eyes. To see Lou walk out on him...it was like losing a major part of himself, and he didn't want it to happen. "Please, Lou..."

"I'm sorry....I'm really sorry, Gabriel, but I can't take this anymore. I've made up my mind." he grasped the doorknob.

"Wait-"

"I'm sorry."

"I DO care about my life!"

"Prove it," came Lou's quiet whisper, his hand still gripping the doorknob. He was gripping it so tightly that his knuckle was turning white. "Prove it, Gabe..."

"I care about my life, Lou, but I can't stand by and...I couldn't just lie there and watch that thing thing kill you....I couldn't."

"You should have."

"What would you have done?" he asked, tears shimmering in his ice-blue eyes. "If you were in my position, what would you have done?"

Lou said nothing.

"You would have done the same thing, Lou. The SAME thing."

Lou was silent, gripping the doorknob tightly.

"I care about my life, Lou...but I care about yours so much more. You're my friend. I...." he trailed off and swallowed thickly. "I don't want you to die..." he murmrued, looking away.

"I don't want YOU to die," Lou whispered. "You scared the shit out of me."

"I'm sorry. YOU scared the shit out of ME when you hit the wall and didn't move afterward. I thought it had killed you! But you were alive, and I couldn't let it hurt you again....I just couldn't."

Lou sighed heavily and turned to look at him.

"You would have done the same thing," Gabriel whispered. "The exact same thing if our places were reversed."

Lou nodded slowly and cracked a small, tearful smile. "Yeah....I would have. I'm...I'm so sorry, Gabe..." he murmured, coming back to the bed as he let go of the doorknob. "Can you forgive me?"

Gabriel smiled softly. "Of course. You're my brother, you're always forgiven."

Lou's face crumpled. "Brother's fight sometimes, Gabe..."

"But that doesn't mean they don't love each other, Lou," Gabriel concluded. "You're always forgiven, you know that. I care about my life, but I care about yours more. The chill was after me; you didn't deserve to die because of it."

Lou sighed heavily. "Just--Just don't scare me like that again....okay?"

"Promise," said Gabriel. "As long as you don't try to take that thing on alone."

"Gabe-"

"You'll die," he said slowly. "Don't scare me like I scared you, and I won't scare you like that again. Deal?"

Lou smiled. "Deal."

And they shook on it, two brothers, two friends.
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Isaac towered over Ember's bed, his ribs throbbing distantly. He ignored the pain, absorbed with the idea that Ember was getting better, that he wasn't dying anymore. In the past three days, Ember had improved dramatically, as if whatever had taken him under had released him, too preoccupied with something else.

Isaac had gotten better, too. His ribs didn't hurt as much, but then he was on pain medication. He couldn't move very much, but Roo had finally given in to him seeing Ember. It was what he wanted more than anything.

"Ember?" he asked quietly, his voice a mere whisper. "Emb? Are you awake?"

Ember's eyes blinked open, and he slowly focused on Isaac. His eyes brightened in recognition. "Isaac..." he whispered faintly. Ember was drugged, he knew. He was drugged so that he would stay asleep so his body could fight off the rest of the fever and illness. "Are...you okay?"

Isaac closed his eyes tightly, breathing a huge sigh of relief. He'd waited so long to have Ember open his eyes again, waited so long to heard his voice. It just didn't seem real anymore.

"....Isaac?"

"I'm okay," he said. "I'm just glad you're alright." it was a huge understatement, he knew, but at the moment that wasn't important. "You...you scared me."

Ember frowned. "I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fault." Isaac's face crumbled. "It was mine. The chill, it got you because I brought it here. The gift brought it here. I'm so sorry, Ember...." he clenched his eyes tightly closed. "I never meant for it to hurt you...."

Ember shook his head. "I knew....the risks. It wasn't your...fault, Isaac."

"It was," Isaac whispered. "It was, it was, it was....I'm so sorry, Emb...."

Ember sighed heavily. "If you're...going to insist...that it was your fault, then...I forgive you."

Isaac opened his eyes and looked at Ember's pale face. Ember was still pale, but not nearly as bad as he was before, and Isaac was grateful for that. He hated seeing his friend so pale, so out of it, so sick...it made his heart ache. "Thank you..." he managed to get out as tears filled his eyes.

Ember cracked a small, tired smile.

Isaac shook his head, clearing the tears away. "Get some rest, Emb," he murmured as he turned toward the door. "Get some more rest and you'll be better in no time."

"Yeah...take it easy, kid....don't hurt...yourself...." Ember was already fading away, Isaac knew.

He smirked. At least he knew Ember would be resting and not faking it, like he had done a lot lately, too tired to sleep, too bored to just lie there and stare at the ceiling. He slowly opened the door and exited the room.

"Goodnight, Ember...and thanks," he said quietly as he walked down the hallway, heading back to his room.

Things seemed to be getting better.