Autumn Chill

Cherry

By Dynamaso

Sat, 07 Jun 2008
  • 3374 reads
11 comments
 

AUTUMN CAME

I Wintered in the valley
Of your breasts
Warm, soft and comforting
They were everything
The shape under your dress
Promised them to be

Spring was in the scented petals
Between your thighs
Heated, honey-dipped and glowing
Responsive to touch
And the passionate yearnings
I had once imagined

The pools we spent in Summer
We carved out of bed
Rocking, swirling, tumbling
In waves of rigid, sweaty lust
Peeling our desire down
Layer by layer

Too soon Autumn came on
No sooner said
Than done, finished and withering
Despite your giving hands
To be replaced by clinical disdain
And a lack of conversation

Certificate 15
Poem
Poetry & Song Lyrics
Erotica

Comments

Submitted by mikepyro on
wouldn't quite classify it as erotica, as the end is rather depressing (eroticas tend to have happy endings, pun intended) much more deep than the average love piece. emotional and resonate. well done.

Give me the beat boys and free my soul! I wanna getta lost in ya rock n' roll and drift away. Drift away...

Submitted by Dynamaso on
Mike, thanks very much for your considered comment. I don't necessarily agree with you that erotica always has a happy ending, though. Some people take a lot of pleasure from other's suffering.

 

Submitted by jennifer on
'I Wintered in the valley Of your breasts' and 'Peeling our desire down Layer by layer' are simply superb lines. I think you could lose the last two lines which are totally out of sync with the structure of the rest of the piece without losing any of the intended meaning.

 

Submitted by Dynamaso on
Jennifer, thanks for reading and your considered comments. The 'Peeling our desire down' line is my favourite. As for losing the last two lines, I agree with you. Self-editing is not a strong point. I will make them disappear. Voila...

 

Submitted by jennifer on
Bravo! Yes, I think that's much better. Self-editing is nigh-impossible, I struggle with it constantly (that's a lie, I tend to live in denial or totally overdo it til I've screwed the poem up.)

 

Submitted by Dynamaso on
Jennifer, I know what you mean. I tend to more take the denial route. I'm pleased you said what you did, though, as this is what I'm looking for with my writing. Thanks very much again. You're a gem...

 

Submitted by paperandink on
Nice work with the word choices, but I agree, the end begged for the loss of love as much as the revel.Might think of adding another stanza or two on the flip side/down slide of love. It's worth pursuing. Good work.

Submitted by Dynamaso on
Paperandink, thanks very much for your comments. The four stanzas are supposed to be in keeping with the four seasons. Still, you have given me food for thought.

 

Submitted by jennifer on
Thank you, Dy, yes this is what the site is for, isn't it? Improvement through peer review and comment? But this only works if people bother to comment! It's such a shame that so few people do... I confess I am very lucky to receive a lot of comments, but then I enjoy reading others' work and make a point of commenting on almost everything I read, and checking back for interactions. I am also very fond of the 'random story' function, but then, the site doesn't let you comment on older work - is there a reason for this, I wonder? Let me stick it in the forum... http://www.abctales.com/forum/2008/06/10/commenting

 

Submitted by paperandink on
Point well taken on the seasonal theme. The last two lines seem too corporate to me. The transition throughout the stanzas seemed fluid and then the ending fell, perhaps 'branches broken from the frozen distance' or something along those lines might have brought completion. It's a very good poem. I think it's worth another look. I like the critique aspect of this great big box to type in and if we are poets who appreciate it as such, why not hone the skill. Just a thought....peace.

Submitted by Dynamaso on
As I said in your Forum post, Jen, I will continue to comment on other's work because it does 'hone the skill' (to borrow papernadink's line). I agree completely, Paperandink. I only want to become better and the only way is by having others read and comment on my work, such as your good self. I will be revisiting 'Autumn Chill' very shortly but I need to have a little distance from it first. I do like your 'branches...' suggestion though. Thanks very much.