Dangerous Times.

We find Arthur ensconcing himself in a seat at the Tuk Lae Dee (Cheap and Good), a popular dining establishment in Bangkok. It’s a long counter basically, with stools, where you can watch the food being prepared in hygienic conditions. Fortunately it’s not too crowded. Good. To his right a bright-robed West African entrepreneur, to his left a massive, lavishly tattooed, rather intimidating, bicep.

‘OK dude?’ it is the owner of the bicep speaking. American accent, leather waistcoat over sleeveless plaid shirt. Body-builder type. ‘Got enough elbow room?’

‘Fine thank you.’ says Arthur as he surveys the menu. The specials look interesting, Bavarian Meatlove (sic.), Dixie Sausages, Waiting for Godot Sandwich.

Arthur plays it safe and orders the American Breakfast. Then he quickly changes his mind and decides on the Dixie Sausages, much to the irritation of the lady taking the order, who, used to the ways of falang smiles happily. So that's that. The decision has been made. Now it’s just a question of waiting.

Across the counter a Thai woman is squeezing oranges. She cuts them in half then presses them. Arthur becomes absorbed in the rhythmic movements of her hands. What bizarre instruments hands are, thinks Arthur, such versatility is only found in certain Nabokovian passages which some find pretentious and difficult to read.

‘Buddy of mine,’ says the colourful arm, ‘told me about this place. He’s a contractor in Eye-rak, killing sand-mans.’

Let me guess thinks Arthur, you’re a Navy SEAL. Bangkok is crawling with these types lately, relaxing after a few months in Iraq. Loaded with money too.

‘I’m a Navy SEAL.’

‘Really?’

Arthur doesn’t feel much like dialoguing today. Actually he feels like that most days. It interferes with his thinking. He has enough Houellebecq type information to deal with already. He knows people are just being friendly. He wishes they would be friendly somewhere else. Especially during the breakfast ritual. Tell the truth he feels detached from his physical self today. Almost amorphous. And he’s trying to remember something Anthony Burgess said about death.

‘Only problem with this place is they cram the customers in.’ says the arm again.

Arthur agrees. That is the only thing about Tuk Lae Dee he doesn’t like. The proximity of fellow diners. But there isn’t a lot he can do about it.
‘It’s clean though.’ says Arthur.

‘You can say that again.’ says the American.

Arthur certainly can. That is his prerogative. But he decides not to. It’s OK for Amis and Son to do the snotty limey thing but Arthur doesn’t want to risk it. Everybody is so touchy these days. Taking the piss can quickly backfire. Plus his Dixie Sausages have just arrived and he wants to give them his undivided attention.

‘Looks good,’ says Hulk Hogan, ‘my girlfriend here,’ indicating the young lady to his left who smiles and offers a generous glimpse of gold jewelry and cleavage, ‘dumb bitch, wanted to eat at one of them street places. No way would I take a chance with that crap.’

‘Very wise,’ says Arthur, ‘one needs to be circumspect these days.’

‘I got her in a go-go place in Soi Cowboy. Mamasan’s a friend of mine.’

‘Good for you.’ says Arthur. ‘It pays to have connections.’

‘You a Brit? Thought so. You gotta be careful right? Thailand has gotten to be a dangerous place. Check out the websites dude. Some of those street hookers! Jeez I was walking around Sukhumvit last night. It’s a zoo.’

‘It certainly is.’ Arthur cannot but concur. He’s one of the animals.

I should be writing this down, thinks Arthur, you need details like this in a book. Arthur does write things down occasionally. He has aspirations. One day, perhaps, when he gets it all sorted out, he will take it down to Asia Books. Who knows? With any luck he might even get accepted into the Bangkok School of Fiction! But first he needs a piece of paper and all he’s got is a damp napkin. So much for that project.

‘They’ll kill you for a few thousand baht.’

How many times has Arthur heard that lately? He’s lived in Thailand a long time. Heard plenty of horror stories. Is Thailand getting more violent in recent years? Hard to say. There isn’t a lot he can do about it in any case. He wonders how long it will be before the conversation turns, as it inevitably does in Bangkok, to sex. Just as he is starting on his second Dixie Sausage probably. But no. His breakfast companion is busy with his own ante-meridianal ruminations. He has just asked for, and received, with a smile, a second cup of coffee. Now he’s shaking out some pills. Steroids time.

‘Gotta love Thailand,’ he says, ‘in the US these days you gotta speak Spanish to get a goddam refill.’

Ah got it! The Anthony Burgess quotation about death has surfaced and here it is: “It’s a good idea to think about death while you are still alive.” So that’s what Arthur decides to do. Enjoy the tasty sausages and think about death. He doesn’t see any contradiction in this. It’s the ultimate joke in a way. Sixty years, if you’re lucky, thinking your little life is important then it’s game-over. Or is it? Life is strange thinks Arthur. You just start to get the hang of it then your time’s up. So what’s wrong with joking about it? Rough, tough SAS men joke about it…why shouldn’t the rest of us?

The American is paying his bill and his girlfriend is getting up. They are on the move. Arthur wriggles his seat a bit to give them more exit room. The girl gives Arthur a flash of white teeth and a little golden wave. The American nods goodbye and off they go. It occurs to Arthur that if this story is going to get anywhere it will need a Le Carre twist.

‘Take care.’ Says Arthur.

‘Don’t worry dude. Nobody fucks with me.’ Then the American does a strange thing. He takes Arthur’s hand and guides it to a bulge in his belt. There, through the shirt, Arthur feels something hard and metallic.

‘That’s my big kahuna. Heckler & Koch MP5K ‘kurtz’ version? Designed in the 1970s, 9mm x19, short post front sight. Highly accurate in the right hands. You read Lee Childs' books?’

'No. Can't say I have.'

‘Great writer. One needs to be very circumspect indeed these days...right dude?’