We interrupt this Eisteddfod for an important channel 9 announcement...

We interrupt this Eisteddfod for an important channel 9 announcement...

What on earth do you think you’re all doing?
What on earth makes you think its ok?
To be outside enjoying the arts in the Fens
On this perfectly suitable television day

Did you think that we just wouldn’t notice?
Well, did you?
Did you think we’d just let it all fly?
All those months programming trash
Just to make you all laugh
The odd clip show to watch
While you’re running your bath
Those phone in quizzes
Where the prize really goes to our staff
That was all done for you,
Or at least on your behalf
Did you consider going outside
a victimless crime?
Thinking ‘It can't be possible
to watch TV all of time!’

Well big mistake!
Because we are channel 9
And we select our execs
with much less of a spine
Over time we've grown attached
to your fickle attention
We won’t give your eyes and ears up
Without due intervention

So we’ve rallied ourselves
In our Channel 9 tower
We’ve scowled at the ratings
For hour upon hour
We’ve digested the spreadsheets
In darkened decor
We’ve tortured researchers
Then tortured some more
Called in focus groups
Wrapped them tight in barbed wire
Slammed tequila in boardrooms
Chucked kids on the fire
And when it all seemed quite hopeless
The Fois gras all but gone
A junior executive
Soulless and young
Leaned in and said...

Do you remember that film in the 80s?
The one with Kevin Costner?
Where he spent all his time with those Native Americans,
Till he lost the Westernized ideals,
That stopped him from keeping it real
Instead he learned from nature how to feel
And hunted for his meals
Well, why don't we steal
the title of that film,
Then use it literally?
And imagine the slick kick to the public we'll transmit
When we break all the rules
When we give the public what we know they deserve
When we give them

Celebrity Dances With wolves...

On Ice

Nice

It’s a subtle blend of
Heartwarming
Howling and growling
With desperate TV icons
Who haven’t yet thrown the towel in
Yes,
Real Deadbeat celebrities
Real ravenous Wolves
And real Ice
Yes real ice
Everyday after school
Watch the crusty old host
In a shiny new suit
Watch the wafer thin model
In a dress that’s minute
The parade of the wolves
Who’ve been starved for a bit
How long will Keith Chegwin last
Till his jugular’s split?
You’ve got to admit
We’ve got our hands on a hit
As you pick up the remote with confusion and sit
And watch
All
Of
It

Fear, mixed with our
finest canned laughter
Whenever a wolf catches hold
Of his or her dancing partner
Smell the confusion, the menace
Taste the blood and the sweat
Hear the gnashing of teeth
Beneath each pirouette
And so you’ll come back,
lie suspiciously deep
in your seat
Suckle tentatively on
our CGI’d teat
Yes, you like that you fools
You idiots, you dogs
Channel 9 will envelop you
Till your senses are robbed!

And as you sit there absorbed
by those hounds in ball gowns
We’ll buy up the green spaces
And burn them all down
So there’s nothing to distract
From the wolves that are hurled
On ice thin as your link
With the rest of the world

And you can boo all you like
But the future is here
Forget family and friends
They'll soon disappear
It’s a future of nature in tatters
Of Technicolor despots divine
The futures is no not yours
It is ours...

The future is now Channel 9.