The Suffering.

A freezing wind bites my cheeks, stinging my eyes, her wrath all consuming as the Ferris wheel violently sways to and fro. The fairground now, little more than a blackened shadow of its former self, as darkness cloaks the world. A place in which the laughter of children could once be heard, now little more than fading memories of a yesteryear that time forgot. But I can hear them. I can still hear them squeal in delight as they toss back their heads, daring to hope, that their ‘todays’ will never end. But now, this once esteemed place, this place that had once been alive in majestic brilliance, lays abandoned by those very same children. Discarded as a doll without limbs; unloved, unwanted. Victims of a fate that only time can dictate.

An unforgiving sea, crashes violently into the worn out shoreline; whispering secrets she has held since the beginning of forever. Calling. Mocking. Taunting.

My teeth chatter as the coldness of the night air bores into my very being; I cannot get warm, yet still, I rub my hands together in a futile effort to generate what little heat I can, pulling my body further in to itself. I am cold and beyond hungry; my stomach tearing in and out of spasms as it demands to be nourished. I am beyond caring. All I can do is wait. Because soon, she be here. If I can just hold on a few minutes longer. But I am strong. I can do this.

I pace up and down; up and down, forcing my ‘here and now’ from the parameters of my mind. And then, I see her. First, as a tiny dot that my eyes strain to see in the distance as she makes her way towards me. My heart racing with excitement and anticipation, working overtime. Because any second now and I will embrace the woman that I love with all of my heart. The woman who I would give my life for; Ella. My Ella. I run towards her to greet her, as the cold and my unbearable hunger disappear momentarily to some far away place. I need not eat if I have her. I am a man who needs nothing when I have her in my life.

‘’Ella! Ella!’’ I have waited so long for this moment. This precious moment.
‘’I’ve missed you so much baby!’’ She looks up, rushing to meet me; her face, slightly older but etched with the inherent beauty she holds. I will always love Ella!
And as we embrace, and I hold her close to me, the dampness of her tears falling onto my cheeks, I become aware of my own, involuntary tears. Those of a man in pain.

‘’Ella, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I’m so very sorry.’’ My sobs now merciful as
I care not what the world thinks anymore. I only care about her.
But despite her love, she seems distant. Distant as she pulls away from the circle of my arms as her eyes now meet the floor. And distant as she places the wreath upon the ground.

‘’No! No Ella! No God, please no!’’ I beg her, as I fall to my knees.
‘’Ella! No! No! Please, God no!’’

But she turns and leaves me. In the same way that she has every year for the last decade.

‘’You can’t leave me! Don’t leave me here in this place! Please, don’t leave me!’’
But my pathetic screams are drowned out by the sea. And still; she is taunting; mocking. Calling.

‘’Come Johnny.’’ Her arms outstretched towards me to encompass me in her watery grave. My eternal dwelling place.

Reminding me of that day. And reminding me of the fact that I chose to end my own pain, ten years earlier. But now there is a much deeper pain; much deeper than that of any mortal. And much deeper than any man can ever begin to understand. It is the pain of eternal limbo.