"The Weeping Man"
By francisraymondarevalo
Tue, 23 Feb 2010
- 1781 reads
5 comments
Ends meet not but as he did,
The rest no mend but as he grieving
Lotus leaf opened and the berry rid
The sky went down, into the man weeping
Under merry glad being, humms
Pots and mockery shone a mystery
Lost in time soaked fifteen rums
Alone with nothing at heart, a misery
Scoffed the tear drenched scaping eye
Landscape headed on, the wounded scar
In memory on about his cry
The night of his, had no single star
And as the sky went down the weeping man
His thoughts went up the mind he ran
by Francis Raymond Arevalo
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Comments
The only thing that slows me
The only thing that slows me down is the pacing. It seems off, perhaps a comma here or there might help that. I like the originality and the symbolism throughout. It's a great start, when you tighten it up it will be that much stronger. Hope I helped you, as best I could.
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Much better. Sonnets are a
Much better. Sonnets are a tough form, you handled it well.
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