I'm really, really, really, really good at board games

This piece was written as part of my double act called ‘Dead poets.’ In the show I try to learn more about hip hop culture whilst trying to share what I know about poetry with a hip hop MC called Mixy. In our final performance there were various members of the hip hop community there and this was written to crack them up/say thanks for helping me out during the project.

This is a safety announcement
For all the rappers in the building,
Particularly the grimers
The angry little rhymers
Who use snappy one liners to hint their life is violence
The truth is at the weekend you're all youth work providers
Badly dressed power rangers, generous but spineless
Clutching at your gear to cover your vaginas
You're a threat to me?
No way do I buy this
And I think you'll find that I'm talking seriously,
You're tough words mean nothing to me
That includes you G,
Just cos you got a beard I refuse to treat you gingerly,
Forget that image that you're relaying
And those fake words you keep on saying
You're not dangerous
But I am
Whenever playing
Board games

Because, you guys in the hood think you're up to no good
But your skills with a d12 are lame
I'll top trump you weak punks, you'll get trashed in kerplunk
I'm really, really, really, really good at board games

I'm like an MB innovation,
Rolling dice and dishing cards without any reservation
When it comes to Risk I'll tell you this
I am the global nation
Coming atcha through Kamchatka like a blue cannon infestation
A Stone Age deforestation
I give mousetrap demonstrations
And every game of operation
Is like a military...um…operation
You'll soon make the observation that there's nothing trivial in my pursuit
Cracking skulls every evening when I'm out of this suit
Playing the odds on Pirates cove stealing your booty
I do pretty well on Atmosphere
Even though that DVD was spooky
I don't give a toss about a loss against you on Call of Duty
Cos I disemboweled you in Guess Who when you were Sue and I was James
That’s cos I'm really, really, really, really good at board games

If it's Punch out I'll Split your lip
If it's poker I'll take each chip
Buckaroo, I'll make you make him kick
Then lightening quick I’ll sink your last Battleship
I fry bacon when I play Pass the pigs
Till you wee wee wee all the way home
And my meeple are lethal in every game of Carcassonne.
I’m in the zone with monopoly
There's just no stopping me
While I'm hop over pieces as the little silver doggie,
So I snap up those oranges, you're stuck on crap property
Ooh! On Mayfair again? Well! What will you offer me, Blud?

Cos you guys think you're tight, think you're up for a fight
But you clearly aren't prepared for the pain
I'll dice you up...as long as it isn't a school night
I'm really, really, really, really good at board games

I'm better than good, I'm...very good
Trained since the cradle
To dominate any kitchen table
In Settlers of Catan I get more ore than Castle Greyskull
While you just get the sheep, which are pretty cheap
And your bartering then is painful
Are you into role-play? Yeah, well I'll dabble
But I'd rather take you down in a game of scrabble
Waving triple word scores
Like they were lethal short swords
Spitting fire on to the board
So second place is your reward

Because the boys in the hood think they're up to no good
But winners live forever and no one will remember Flips’s name
And I'll probably get the shit kicked out of me tonight
But I'm still really, really, really, really good at board games.

www.deadpoetry.co.uk