Industrial Processed Nutrition

If you've been reading the newspapers, you will no doubt have read that Industrial Processed Nutrition have recently merged with our former opponents, the Wholemeal Organic Healthy Additive-Free Alliance, to form the Wholesome Foods Coalition.

As a result of the merger, there have been some major changes in our boardroom, with the appointment of five new Directors who will play a leading role in shaping the direction of the company. These include Mr Click-Negg, the new Director of Beverage Requisition. The Board was grateful for Mr Click-Negg's efforts to support the recent Directorate meeting, though following the incident with the misplaced tea-bag, he will be requisitioning the refreshments from Starbucks in future. It was perhaps misguided to burden him with responsibility for production so early on in his career.

I need to eradicate some confusion about the exact duties of Mr V. Able, the new Director of Banking. I must make clear that this new role doesn't involve Mr Able in managing the company's finances, nor will he be able to sign cheques, or have access to company bank statements. His duties will be solely concentrated on the management of Mr Piggy, the pink-spotted piggy bank used as a swearbox during Board meetings. On this same topic, I'm pleased to report that the Board raised a record £4.63 in the inaugural meeting of the new company, largely attributable to the incident with the misplaced tea-bag. The money raised has been donated to the local Big Sock charity (which supplies free footwear to homeless people with a shoe-size of 12 or higher).

The addition of WOHAFA's principles will be a major driver in the development and delivery of IPN's new range of products and initiatives. These include our new FatSnacks range, high in fat, high in sugar and ridiculously high in salt, the perfect between-meals munch for anyone trying to put on weight, a full twenty percent less healthy than any rival product on the market, offering genuine choice to those that want to get fat and die young. We were delighted to have local celebrity Lord Cheeky of Opik to cut the ribbon at the FatSnacks launch party.

Finally, I have received reports of women being seen in the Boardroom. I must remind all staff that women are banned from the Directorate area, with the exception of Mrs May, the Directorate Cleaner. There is clearly no reason for any woman to enter the area of governance, or to attempt any involvement in the governing process. Any other woman seen entering (or even leaving) the Boardroom in the future will face immediate dismissal.