Exposed

How do I feel inside?

One the surface I am sad, I have been a cheat to someone I loved, I have commited sins against my friends and held secrets from them. On the surface I am cold and calculating, I am also scared and lost. My father is a weak man and I am afraid I am the same. I don’t want to be like him. That is my biggest fear to turn out like him.
I left home at 16 and developed psoriasis at 17, I left home because of relations with my father. He was a bully and possessive with his silly little material objects. He never did anything with me or my sister and my favourite day was Sunday when he would go out to the club. I enjoyed that day because he was not in the house spreading his poison. Anything on Tele that I liked I was not allowed to watch, he had his one seat that he never moved from, he was a nosey bastard always noseying out the window.

Now how do I feel about him?

Now I feel pity for him, he is a weak man who never became anything, nor had the courage to become anything other than a piss head.

How can I change?

I have to be honest with myself and not hide behind a mask, my life is mine not his.
I will not turn out like him even if I followed his every step because I am me and he is he.

How do you feel about those you have hurt?

I feel ashamed but at the same time angry, angry with them because they feel anger towards me, which I know is wrong but I have images of them all gathering together and calling me, which at the same time must be some sort of bad personality trait on my side, wanting them to talk about me.

Do you want forgiveness?

No I don’t deserve it, I want to crawl away and start again as someone new, that’s probably why I have psoariasis, my skin trying to grow into someone new everyday.

When will you be free?

This only time can tell, I am moving forward in a positive way but every now and then unconscious aspects climb up out of me and drag me back into darkness, I know I am on the right path but not sure where the right path leads.

What do you want out of life?

I want to be happy and comfortable in my surroundings, I want to achieve a life of love and leave something behind for my children so they can be proud of whom their father was.
I am not a material person but I want to be able to see the world and live in a beautiful home with a vast garden for me to grow things on with a lake nearby that I can visit, and beautiful scenery for me to submerge myself in. These things cost money at least in this modern world, so I have a contradiction, I crave wealth to buy all the things I want, yet I despise wealth for all the opposites that go with it like poverty and starvation and modern working slaves.

How can you change things?

I believe the only way to change things is by making a change in yourself, it is no good preaching to others about wrong and right if you still don’t understand the wrong and right in yourself. Jacko said it best, I’m looking at the man in the mirror, Im asking him to change his ways.
Trouble is the whole world seems to be against you when you follow this route, society wants you to conform and be part of the system, the friends you grew up with want you to conform and be part of their system, if you venture out and do your own thing you are called a weirdo.

So whats the solution?

There isn’t one, you either get on with it, or turn into the reckless drinker who want’s to destroy the world in one swoop. Some people just want to see the world burn, others become anarchists.