A is for arguing

A is for arguing. Mum and Dad do this all the time at home. When they stop, we all walk on eggshells and Dad tries to make us laugh as if nothing’s the matter, and then Mum notices so we run to our rooms and close the door on the madness.
B is for bastard. This is what Josie, my sister, calls me when I annoy her. She only says this because it annoys Dad when Mum says it to him.
C is for Christmas. Mum and Dad always make a big deal about Christmas and I used to get excited about it when I was younger but it always goes terribly wrong on the day. I wish Christmas never happened. It’s a very big let-down.
D is for Dad. I know I’ll always love Dad because he takes me out of the house when things get out of hand with Mum. Josie stays at home with Mum to make sure she’s alright.
E is for extension. Dad has threatened to build an extension for ages but Mum reckons he’ll never do it. She jokes that if he ever gets round to it, he’ll probably bury her under the foundations.
F is for flip. This is what Dad says instead of fuck because he promised not to swear in front of us kids when I was three and Josie was six. He’s stuck to it pretty well.
G is for grandparents. Mum says that Dad’s parents don’t want to see us, but Dad told us once that it’s because Mum won’t let them see us (but we mustn’t tell). Mum hates her parents, so we never see them.
H is for horse. Josie reckons that she loves her horse more than anything else in the world. She wants to be a show-jumper and her room is covered in rosettes from competitions.
I is for insulation. Mum hates the cold but Dad says he can’t afford to get the roof insulated and replace the windows with double-glazed ones, so Mum keeps the heat on all winter and laughs when he sees the heating bill.
J is for jig. When Mum and Dad have had a few drinks and are in good spirits, they have a jig. This makes all of my troubles disappear and I often cry when they do this. They dance so beautifully together and I never want that moment to stop. When they argue, I sometimes close my eyes and see them having a jig together.
K is for kicked out. If I get a bad report from school, Mum tells me I’ll get kicked out if I don’t pull my socks up and concentrate. It’s a private school and she never lets me forget how lucky I am to be there, even if I hate the place.
L is for ladder. This is what Dad uses to get all the leaves from the gutters around the house and to clean the windows. Mum hates to see the ladder in the garden when it’s not being used. She says it’s an eyesore. Dad says he needs them.
M is for Mum. No matter how much she screams and rants at me, I know she loves me. Dad says that Mum tries her hardest to cope and that we should help her whenever we can because she loves us no matter what.
N is for new. When something breaks down, Mum and Dad have an argument, and when I need a new pair of shoes Josie gets a new pair as well.
O is for oven. Mum has cooked some beautiful meals from the oven and once I catapulted a bird from the sky and wanted to cremate it so I put it in the oven and it exploded.
P is for ‘pardon?’ If me or Josie say ‘huh?’ or ‘what?’ Mum flips her lid and sends us to our rooms. I’ve never understood this because all my friends say huh or what to their Mums and they always get away with it.
Q is for queer. If Mum calls Dad queer, he hits the roof and storms out to the pub. When he’s gone, Mum tells us that there’s no fire without smoke, fetches a drink and sits in the kitchen by herself.
R is for religion. Dad reckons religion is rubbish but Mum says that if we go to church, people will respect us and give us jobs and money.
S is for shit. When I’ve done something wrong, Mum tells me to go to my room and when I’m nearly there she calls me a little shit under her breath, but I can always hear her say it.
T is for test. Dad reckons life is a series of tests and that if we make it through one test the next one will be easier to overcome. He’s right about that because I’ve tried it and it works every time.
U is for useless. Even when I’m trying my hardest to help Mum, this is what she calls me. Josie calls me useless when we play Scrabble or cards.
W is for wedding. Mum and Dad never married because Dad says they don’t need a piece of paper to justify their love, but Mum says that he just doesn’t love her enough to give her a wedding.
X is for xepofrone. This is the drug Mum takes every day to stop her from going mad. I make sure that she’s always got enough xepofrone and tell her when there are only ten left in the bottle.
Y is for yukka. Two years ago, we went on holiday and someone stole all of Mum’s yukka plants from the garden and she made the police do an investigation, but they never found them. When we go for walks, Mum still looks into gardens to see if they’re there.
Z is for Zen Funerals. When Mum’s taking us to school, she sometimes tells me and Josie that these people will organise Dad’s funeral when he dies so that we don’t have to worry about a thing. Even when she doesn’t say it, I can’t go past that shop without worrying that Dad’s going to die.