Boy

It wasn’t like it used to be, it used to be fun and entertaining. It was drained and boring, something that had to be done; a chore. Yes, that was it, it became a chore, a routine. That’s what made it so sad.
Of course you never realised, I woke up every morning with the same face I was supposed to have, the right expressions to all the sounds you made. The correct movements to every shadow you made. Semantics. It took a while, but slowly I realised I never enjoyed it, it wasn’t something I could do or agree with. Perhaps it wasn’t even me that changed but my surroundings, what am I saying? It was my surroundings that changed, I knew it all along. I used to test myself you see, I never told you, but I used to do it. Every day, every time the thought crept into my shallow brain, every time the idea popped up in the bubble over my head. I repeated and repeated those words, over and over, again and again, just to see if it hurt. It never did, never. Maybe I should have listened to myself, but that’s the thing about love, you expect doubt, and you ignore it.
I.Dont.Love.Him.
I could say it you see, I could say it every day, I could look into your eyes and say it. I could imagine my life without you, I could imagine my time without you. I never asked myself why I did it, I just knew I never felt pain when I said it. I never cared, I liked the idea of being free. But it took over 4 years to be free. Four.
I grew up when you didn’t, I grew when you wouldn’t, I explored when you couldn’t, I tried. You just lived. You didn’t want you had, you never tried or reached, your goals were achievable, you never fought. You never even fought when I left, just cried, and begged. But the thing is, life isn’t how you want it, you have to try, grow, fight, explore. You didn’t.

I wouldn’t have stayed though, if you fought. Because you suffocated, we out grew each other and most of all, you didn’t like who I was. The way I don’t move in my sleep, or sing along to songs, or smoke, or enjoy the feeling of clubbing until 3 am, or dancing like no one is watching. You hated the way I loved to go for walks, you hated the way I would sit in warm rain, or cry to songs. It annoyed you when I silently laughed to films, or didn’t want sweetener in my tea, when I wanted to be thinner, whiter, taller. The way I liked music you didn’t, or wrote poetry that rhymed. You hated so much about me, which makes me wonder, why you cried when I left.
Was it because no one was there to do your washing? No one was there to hug you at night? No one was there to do your injections, make sure you ate well or nag you about being healthy. No one was there to ride you, to kiss you, to cuddle you. No one was there for you to attack, to put down to control. I wasn’t your mother, your nurse, your prostitute or your slave. I was me, and you hated me.