Princess

When I was a child my younger brother died of an illness. It happened suddenly, and his passing left a shadow across my family.

My father, who had always been a stolid and reliable man was broken by the loss of his son and left soon after. My mother had nowhere to go, except to withdraw inside herself.

She had been a warm and loving mother, drying our tears of sadness and joining in our laughter at times of joy. But the darkness that fell upon her now was like an impenetrable wall to me. I could not break through it. I felt as if I might have died along with my brother, and was but a ghost that remained, a reminder of what she had lost.

I missed my brother greatly, but I was young myself, and had the resilience of youth to find hope and joy in the world, so while I tried to understand my mother's retreat, I could not truly comprehend it.

A few months after my brother's death and on the orders of her doctor, my mother and I went to stay awhile in the countryside at an old inn. It was miles from anywhere and I soon missed the company of my friends, but I did not complain. Every day I hoped to see a glimmer of light reawakening in my mother's soul.

Every day we took long walks in the rolling green hills that surrounded the inn, and one day, on the suggestion of the innkeeper we walked up through the wood to the barrow in the field beyond. The innkeeper had called it the Fair Maiden's Hill and recommended it as a local landmark.

The barrow was nothing more than a grassy hill, perfectly smooth and rounded, rising like a bulge from the earth. There was not much to see, but the day was warm and pleasant, and the flowers of summer had begun to blossom, so it was with idleness that we walked the perimeter of the mound before settling down on the cool grass to rest.

The rain came on suddenly, a summer downpour of large, warm and soft droplets, which sent my mother and me running for shelter. I laughed as we ran and I don't know what caused me to, but I glanced back at the barrow.

A beautiful rainbow reached down from the heavens to touch the ancient monument.

I remember calling to my mother to look, but she must not have heard and thinking me to be following, had run on into the shelter of the trees.

I should have gone to her then, but the rainbow held me spellbound. I had seen rainbows before aplenty, but they always fell the next street across, or disappeared behind the distant hills. This rainbow came down in the field directly before me. I had heard the story of crocks of gold hidden at the end of the rainbow. And here was one within my grasp. Already imagining the happiness the riches might bring my mother, I found myself running back across the field towards the rainbows end.

I was young, but not a stupid child, somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that rainbows were just illusions made by sunlight and rain. I knew that as you move towards them they move away. I had chased rainbows before. But this rainbow did not retreat before me and I felt excitement and hope swell in my heart. I felt the colours wash over me as I ran through the end of the rainbow. It was cool like water, but tingled like static across my skin.

There was no gold at the end of my rainbow, instead I found myself greeted by a peculiar little man. He wasn't even as tall as I was, and was dressed in a smart old fashioned tailcoat and a tri-cornered hat; there were buckles on his shoes. His ears and nose seemed out of proportion to the rest of his face, which was tanned golden as if he worked all day in the sun.

He bowed low to me and smiled. I realise now that I should have felt afraid. I had been told innumerable times about not going with strangers, yet when this funny little man turned, and without a word walked away into the barrow, I followed him without hesitation.

A hole had opened up in the side of the barrow. The smooth turf now gapped, revealing the sill of a small opening formed from huge slabs of rock. I was certain that I would have to duck my head to enter the hill and I'm not sure if the portal grew larger, or if I became smaller, but as I passed through the entryway, I had no difficulties at all.

Inside the barrow it was dark and musty and smelled of the earth. There was no light source that I could tell, yet I found I could still see. The little man trotted before me down the passage, glancing back with a reassuring smile from time to time to ensure I continued to follow him. The walls of the tunnel were lined with more of the huge stones that had framed the entrance and passages led away on left and right but we kept straight on.

As we passed, more tiny men and women spilled from the adjoining passageways, falling in step behind me. Some were like the man that led me; others were much scruffier, dressed only in rags. Many were more inhuman with pelts of fur or clothes made of leaves. Some were squat, some spindly, some were part animal. I knew they were fairy folk.

You might think I imagined it to be a dream, yet I knew it was not and still I felt not an ounce of fear.

At last I was led into a grand chamber, the walls were lined with seams of crystals which brought to the room a glowing, ethereal light. That light fell upon a high dais, where, on a throne of intricately worked gold, sat an elegant queen.

The Queen of the Fairies. She was beautiful. Her features were delicate and pale, her hair the colour of moonlight. She smiled at me kindly, and the warmth in her eyes was that of a mother to a child. It was a warmth I had not felt for many months, and I basked in it.

"Welcome child," She greeted me, "I am Queen Eavan of Tegmaes Howe, I have waited millennia for your coming."

"Why am I here?" I asked.

"You have known loss and pain. But no longer do you have to suffer. We offer you immortality; we can release you from suffering."

"But why would you do that?" I wondered.

"I am immortal, but I shall not always be queen. When the time comes you will have a choice." She told me, "You must choose between taking my place as Queen of the Fairies and in doing so will be granted immortality, or you may choose to return to your own mortal world to suffer and perish."

It seemed like no choice at all then, but I was young and ignorant.

"Tonight you will be crowned Princess of Tegmaes Howe."

~~~

That afternoon I watched with awe and fascination as all around me the fay folk prepared for the celebrations. The women took me off to a brightly lit chamber and began to dress me in clothes more beautiful than I had ever seen. The cloth was so light and soft, and it radiated with its own light. Jewels like drops of morning dew were strung around my neck and wrists and threads of what must have been pure moon beams were woven into my hair.

The procession started after midnight, Queen Eavan led the way out of the barrow astride a beautiful white horse, and I followed on a horse of my own. There was no saddle, and the bridle was so fine it might have been made from spider's webs.

Behind us came all the goblins and fays and fair folk, singing, dancing and playing music as they trouped. They carried lanterns which glowed with a pale white light, like tiny captured moons, and the moon itself rose full and huge above us all in the clear night sky.

The barrow was no longer a tiny grassy bump in the middle of the field, but an enormous rounded hill, its entrance marked by towering sarsen stones and before it lay a forecourt marked by standing stones.

I must have taken an hour to complete a circuit of the hill, then the parade re-entered the forecourt where I was helped down from my steed and told to kneel before the Queen.

She placed a crown of wild flowers upon my head and so I became the Princess of Tegmaes Howe.

~~~

The festivities that followed went on all night, then just before dawn the barrow began to shrink back to its worldly proportions and the fairies scrambled for cover from the coming day.

As I let them lead me back into the darkness I happened to glance back and see in the light of the rising sun, my mother standing there looking out across the field. Her face was stricken, like it had been on the day my brother had died. Tears streaked her face and her expression was more remote than it had been even then.

I realised then that I had not thought of her for one moment since I had entered the barrow. I had not meant to forget her; it was like my memories from my mortal life had been subdued, covered over, put away. Now seeing her there brought it all back. Had she been there all night, I wondered, searching for me. Why hadn't I seen her, why had she not seen me? I wanted to run to her. I began to turn, but a hand as cold and hard as ice gripped my shoulder. I looked up to see who had restrained me. It was Queen Eavan. The maternal look she had first greeted me with was gone, she looked angry. She steered me forcibly back into the dark hill and for the first time I felt the flutterings of fear awaken inside me.

"You will have your choice when the time comes." The Queen reminded me. When she left me in the darkness, the barrow had sealed itself against the world once more.

Though the blanket of forgetfulness once more descended upon me after that, that last glimpse of my distraught mother was like a seed of discontent inside me and over time it grew.

~~~

As princess of the fairies I saw and experienced things more incredible than you could possibly imagine. There were feasts and games, balls and hunts. I rode out often with the Queen on my beautiful fairy steed at the head of the nightly procession around her lands and she talked to me graciously, and taught me much about the Otherworld.

There were no chores to do, no lessons to attend, I was treated with deference and affection by all the fay creatures that lived under Queen Eavan's rule. I wore clothes of the finest cloth and slept in a huge feather down bed. It was a life of luxury and idleness and I was young, so very young, how could I not immerse myself with enthusiasm in my new life. Yet, was I happy?

As time passed I found myself wondering more and more, what was missing from this seemingly idyllic life. I am ashamed at how long it took me to realise what it was.

I was sitting beside the Queen on the dais; we were passing the time in conversation when it came to me. Queen Eavan treated me like her own daughter, yet under all the attention and care she lavished on me, beyond those loving looks and tender words, there was no real love to give them weight and meaning and so that seed inside me germinated and I began to search for the feeling of having been loved that I had once know.

As time went on I glimpsed again and again little things in the life of these beings which added to my knowledge of their essence.

We feasted on foods more delicious and delightful than any food that had passed my lips in the mortal world, yet the fay did not seem to savour or appreciate the delicacies that filled the tables. They gorged on the ambrosial splendour that lay before them with indifference, like starving men in a disgusting display of gluttony, intent only on eating more than their neighbour.

They would dance all through the night, the most amazing intricate dances, never stopping, filled with laughter and cries of joy, yet when I glimpsed the faces of the goblins whirling past, I saw a deadness in their eyes. The music they played was otherworldly in its beauty and expression, yet again, even when I looked in Queen Eavan's eyes I saw none of the emotion that the music inspired in me.

But above all, it was their treatment of mortals which showed the true natures of these fairies. Often I would hear them talking of some poor mortal they had led astray or tricked or frightened. At first I thought them callous and heartless, but then I realised it went deeper than that for when they pranked and cheated each other (which they did at least as frequently as they preyed on mortals) it was to the amusement of all, even the victim. They did not appear to feel hurt and anger, fear and grief as mortals do, they did not understand the harm they were causing.

Likewise, despite their merry façade, they were not able to feel great love or joy. True love walks hand in hand with the deepest grief, but as immortals it seemed, they could experience neither.

I had thought their life the better one, the easier path to walk, but now my mind was clouded by doubt and gradually the seed of discontent grew.

~~~

Years passed, though how I knew I could not tell. Time seemed different in the barrow. My body remained that of a young child, but my mind aged and became wiser.

From time to time, when the opportunity arose and when the fay folk lay all about drunk on nectar or exhausted from their revelry, I would take my chance to slip away from my hosts back into the mortal world.

I had no real power to escape, but could send a seeming of myself out into the mortal world. I would visit my mother then and watched over her as the years and the sadness of her two lost children grew ever heavier on her.

She never remarried or had more children; her life shrank around her to become a monotony of work and lonely nights. I watched her grow weary with age and thought of how she had been before, when we had been a happy family, of all the life and promise she had to give. But that was wasted now, struck down by sorrow.

So when at last it came time to make my choice, I had already decided.

I was taken before the Queen. The chamber was filled with the hushed expectation of the watching fairies.

Queen Eavan stood, she was radiant as ever, not changed or aged by time or worry. She smiled that same beatific, yet superficial smile and raised me from where I knelt before her.

"My child," She said warmly, taking me by both shoulders, "I am ready to step down as queen. Now you must make your choice."

I could see she had no doubt about what my choice would be.

Even though my mind was already made up I found myself standing there thinking of all I would leave behind. But it was no choice in the end.

"I choose to return to my mortal life." I felt the ripple of surprise wash over the audience but I could not tear my eyes away from the Queen.

Her face turned from one of beauty to that of a horrible and frightening visage. She rose, screaming her anger at me like a storm. Bright blinding light seemed to emanate from her body and a wave of icy wind blasted me. Her hair snaked wildly about blown by the violent squall and her mouth gaped impossibly wide, her eyes were wild with fury. I felt like I was caught in a blizzard of fury, such was the cold intensity of her rage.

I stood my ground; I did not feel fear of her, but pity for her. For the first time I saw in her a true emotion. I realised then that she too must have once been asked to make this choice. How sad that having once again felt something after so many years, it should be hate.

"You said it was my choice. Why should I be free from death and suffering, when every mortal on the earth must face such challenges? I would rather free just one person of their grief for even a moment than live an eternity of superficial joy." My voice did not quaver and I felt stronger with every word. For the first time in years I felt myself again, "I have chosen! Now take me back!"

I thought she might refuse, might try to make me stay, but even as these thoughts flitted through my mind her anger abated. Before my eyes she shrank into a hunched and desiccated old woman, her beautiful silver hair became lank and grey, her clothes turned to rags.

"I'm sorry." I said and felt it with all my heart for I could not release her from the fate she had chosen.

"You choose pain and suffering over immortality." She croaked through thin, cracked lips, "You chose well, you choose passion and love also."

Then she took my hand, which was young and supple in her aged wrinkled one, and led me up into the light.

~~~

The sun was blinding, I don't know at what point Queen Eavan let go of my hand, when I raised my hand to shade my eyes from the sun, she was gone, and I was standing before the barrow, and there was my mother, not aged and bowed low by the sadness of her life, but young and filled with joy at seeing me.

All the years I had watched pass had been rewound and it was the same afternoon that I had walked into the barrow through the rainbow. Only a few hours had passed.

I ran to her filled with happiness.

"I've come back."

My mother hugged me tight to her. Our tears and laughter entwined with our embrace and I felt the love, the true love of my mother envelope me.

"I'm back now too, I'm back." She said.

I could see in her eyes that she saw the light of the world once more and knew I had made the right choice.

Maybe it was the relief at finding me safe and sound or the realisation that, though she had suffered loss, there was still great happiness to be found in life, but my mother made a full recovery after that.

We went home and after a while my father started coming around again too.

I can't say we lived happily ever after, but we lived, and loved again. We felt pain again too, but that is the lot of a mortal, and should I be given the choice again, I would still choose it over the half-life that is immortality.