Still Doll: A Novel

CHAPTER ONE: THE ESSCENCE KISS

THEY TOLD ME that changelings weren’t supposed to remember, that the moment we entered the Glass Palace our minds were altered, our memories suppressed so that all we would know was this. But if that’s true, how can I remember?
This is how it is. How it’s always been since the birth of the first Vamfyri. Our purpose is to provide them with a human presence, to give them a life they would never experience themselves. Through us they can feel love, pain, happiness, and sorrow. Through us they can see, feel, touch, and taste. We are their mediums, their gateway into the mortal world. Without us they are little more than animated corpses.
In my dreams I seem to have breached the barriers that hold back my memories, my awareness of another life. In my dreams I am free. I can’t explain why. It doesn’t make any sense to me. The second we cross the threshold willingly into our lifelong prison; we give up any alternative life. This becomes our fate. In that moment we are bound to the Vamfyri in ways we can’t even comprehend. (They in turn our bound to us as well.) The bond is irrefutable.
So why would Irial allow me to be free?

***

I start at the sound of a door-the hallow creak of enchanted glass. In my hands I hold a white glass blown heart bound by a golden chain. It is the symbol of our slavery. At its center is a hole-key shaped. Only the Vamfyri hold the key.
Irial approaches. I can smell him, he smells faintly of lavender and moist earth. At his throat is a chain similar to mine cast in silver. Around its clasp is a key. I can hear it clink against his chest as he saunters forward.
“Alice,” The name flows from his lips effortlessly, smooth and clipped. Pronounced in a way I’d grown so accustomed to during my stay at the Palace.
I nod in acknowledgement, my eyes fixed on the mirror before me, “Irial.”
A pair of slender fingers grace my shoulder, as pale as the heart in my hands. “You look lovely, as usual.”
“And you look like you’re on the verge of death,” I turn to face him and find myself gazing into the eyes of a creature virtually devoid of life. Even under the cover of an illusion, Irial’s skin is paler than usual. His face is worn and haggard, the scars across his left side stark against his skin. His hair hangs lank and tangled across his shoulders. Standing before me, he looks like a faded portrait. “Really you look terrible. When was the last time you fed?”
He waves his hand dismissively. “It’s of no importance. I’ll be fine. I only have to wait a few more days…”
“In a few more days you could be dead, Irial!”
“Dead?” A quiet laugh escapes his lips, “I have never been alive.”
Anger boils in my blood. I can feel it burning in my cheeks. How could he be so selfish? “If you’re looking for pity you’ve reached a dead end. Take care of yourself. Stay alive. Feed. I don’t care to lose my life because you were careless with yours.” My words are vicious. I can feel the venom in them. I try not to care as I run a brush through my hair. I slide my fingers through the strands and pull them back at the neck.
“Feed.”
“Alice…”
“Fine, if you prefer a kiss…” I turn to face him and begin to stand.
“Alice I don’t want to take from you.” His expression is pained.
“Then why am I here? What purpose do I have?!” I look him in the face, stare hard into his eyes. “Why Irial?”
He opens his mouth as if to say something and then closes it. Words seem to have escaped him.
I can feel the tears tightening my throat and welling in my eyes. I struggle to hold them back.
“Alice…” He reaches forward hesitantly, as if trying to decide whether or not he should console me.
“Don’t!” I back away until the vanity mirror prevents me from moving any further. The glass lock drops to the floor from the impact. Irial withdraws as if he’s been struck by a physical blow, his face contorted with anguish.
“I can’t…Alice, I don’t want you to think you have no purpose here…you do…you have no idea…,” He sighs and buries his face in his hands, “Honestly I don’t know how you handle these emotions. It’s so much simpler to live without them…” He breathes deeply, gathering his thoughts, and continues, “I need you, Alice. I know it’s a heavy burden but…shouldn’t that be enough?” He looks up through his hands with a piercing gaze. There are words hidden there that he did not speak aloud, though I can’t quite decipher what they are. Before I can respond, he stands, and in a single fluid movement, he has reached the enchanted gate. I hear it clang shut with a jerk, as if it had been forcefully closed.
“Irial…” I’m left standing before the mirror in silence. Even my thoughts seem to stop for a moment. Something in Irial’s face just now told me that there was something deeper between us than just a ‘simple’ Changeling-Vamfyri bond. He was really upset. The look on his face was genuine pain. I didn’t think it was possible for a Vamfyri to understand that feeling. Maybe I was wrong.
“Ach!” A sudden pain grips my chest, intense, excruciating. I double over and feel my legs begin to buckle beneath me. I fall to the floor, gasping and clutch my chest. My vision blurs and darkens and it becomes difficult to breathe. It feels like death. Am I dying? I gasp. “Irial!” Speaking burns and pierces my torso like daggers, but it doesn’t matter now. I suddenly understand what’s happening. I fight through the pain and try to crawl to the gate at the front of the room. I reach out and grasp the glass bars in front of me. The door swings open at my touch. Irial didn’t lock it. I look around the door but there’s no sign of the enchanted heart. My body convulses with a sudden jolt of pain. I feel as if I’m sinking. I’m getting closer. “Irial.” My voice is hoarse, inaudible. I try to speak louder but it’s no use. I push myself forward.
I gasp at the sight of him. Time nearly stops as I absorb the scene. Irial lays crumpled on the floor, motionless. I can’t detect any movement in his chest. It’s very possible that he’s lying dead before me. No! A sudden rush of adrenaline pushes me to my knees and then to my feet. A powerful emotion wells up in my chest but I can’t detect what exactly, all I know is that it’s strong. I realize, as I approach Irial that the bond between us must have directed our shared energy toward me. As he dies I grow stronger. I can feel the energy radiating from him and absorbing into me, like a human sponge. The realization frightens me.
My heart lurches and pulses rapidly against my chest, shortening my breath and scattering my thoughts. Through the shock I can see only one thing, Irial.
I suck in a deep breath of icy air and attempt to step closer. The sudden shift in energy weighs on my body like a ton of lead, limiting my movement. My legs are stiff and heavy with essence. In spite of the burden, I push myself forward.
Slowly, gradually I reach my destination, fighting through the spiritual current until I fall to my knees at Irial’s side. My arms and legs tremble with exhaustion, the shaky breaths I draw from the air flare in my lungs until they are quieted with painful coughs. Tears well in my eyes and I fall to the floor, breathing hard. My pulse beats loud in my ears.
For a moment I just lay there, trying to regain my strength before I succumb to fatigue. Finally, I push myself up onto my knees, biting back the urge to cry out at the effort. As I lean over Irial, a wrenching cough ripples through my torso and the metallic taste of blood flows over my tongue.
The corpse beneath me stirs, aroused by the presence of blood, and trembles slightly before his eyes flutter open and his back arches with a sudden convulsive jerk. I look into his misty gaze with fear. His sightless silver eye sits locked on me while the violet eye on his right flashes crimson against his pale face. His lips part slightly, revealing a pair of extended canines. I gasp.
“You just couldn’t let me go, could you?” Irial’s voice resonates, hushed, worn and hoarse, within my mind. The unbalanced energy between us must’ve allowed him access to my mind. He chuckles humorlessly, “You simply won’t allow me to die…even if I will it…”
“Is that what this is about?!” I ask aloud to the body below me. My voice is hushed and angry. “You wanted to kill yourself. That’s why you’ve been depriving yourself of essence?!”
His lids flicker closed and his voice whispers in my mind solemnly, resigned, “I’ve lived long enough, if you could truly call it life…for centuries…countless mortals have wasted away at my expense…I cannot allow you to do the same…I will not watch you die, Alice…I can’t.”
Well if you think I’m going to let you die, right here, right now, you are sadly mistaken, Irial Amethyst.
I bend over his body determined, brush the damp shocks of hair from his face, and run my fingers across his translucent skin. Beneath the glamour traces of his true form can be seen, carved and cool as stone, his ghostly pallor deepening to a rich violet hue glimmering as if inlaid with living diamonds, veined with smoky curling wisps of shadow, laced through his skin like marble.
My hand hovers less than an inch above him, extended as if to touch him though frozen in midair as determination turns to wonder. Suddenly my finger twitches and comes to fall upon what feels like a smooth transparent barrier suspended above his body, like an invisible coating. As my finger brushes the coating, I feel it give and suddenly the layer shifts and audibly breaks, forging a single crack that snaps across his casing. He shifts and gasps, glancing at me with an unreadable expression. In a matter of seconds the crack expands to thousands of splitting fissures lined in pale white rays that suddenly pulse and collectively force the shards into the air, their transparent silhouettes dissolving into nothing. He thrashes, tossing his head from side to side as if in great pain, clenching his fists as a strained scream escapes his tightly pursed lips. A radiant light throbs beneath, pulsing in sync to his screams and glides along the jolting body below leaving in its rapid wake the breathtaking sight of Irial’s true form. He writhes and twitches, thrashing roughly against the ground then falls still. His weary eyes close and he releases a shaky sigh, resigned, suddenly relaxed.
He’s no longer holding back…
Whether it be due to exhaustion or by will I don’t know. All I know is that with the sudden appearance of Irial’s true form I feel a budding fear begin to grow in my chest, a sudden awareness that I know nothing about this creature laying before me, even after living beside him for years. I have no idea what he’s capable of…and I’m not sure I have the courage to find out. Do I really want to save something that could kill me at a moment’s notice? I sit paralyzed, suddenly completely at a loss. I have no idea what to do…
Beneath me, the immortal stirs, rolls onto his side, and though my eyes are shifted elsewhere I can feel him looking into them. His gaze is persistent and piercing, unavoidable. I struggle desperately to avoid his scrutiny, looking everywhere but at him. After a few minutes in spite of myself I look into his eyes. I find myself taken aback at the unguarded longing softening his chiseled features. He begins to crawl on hands and knees, slowly traversing the few feet remaining between us. He is exposed and I can feel my face flushing with embarrassment, though he only smiles in response, amused by my discomfort. My heart beats like a drum against my ribs, my senses blur. The kiss…I must…
“Irial Amethyst,” I address him, beginning the summons of the essence kiss, the strongest exchange of essence a Changeling can offer their Vamfyri. He senses my tone and interprets my intentions, his shifting emotions suddenly turning to fear that pierces me as well like icy daggers. I ignore them, “immortal being of the damned…of which the blood of fey and vampyre coincide…”
“Alice…” He cups my face in a crystalline hand and draws close. I squeeze my eyes shut and in the darkness behind my lids my lips are left defenseless to endure his own probing mouth, caressing me gently, progressively intensifying into an unexpected passion. Thin batlike wings envelop me, pressing me close to his smooth cool body. The scent of lavender is heavy around me, Irial’s scent. Long lilac strands tumble around my neck and shoulders as he continues to kiss me, his lips sliding from my mouth down along my neck where he pauses, licking the skin, his sharp teeth brushing against me, sending shivers down my spine, taunting me. A distraction. I push away, “!”
He pauses, horrified and wrenches back, shuddering, hissing as his canines extend, his eyes turn to crimson, thrashing and resisting in vain before suddenly lashing forward, twining his fingers around my wrists, attempting to pin me down, growling and snapping. I panic and push against him thrusting him backwards a few inches while I crawl away, broadening the distance between us.
He lifts his head, moving slowly, disoriented with yearning. His features quickly twist into a scowl as he notices the distance between us. He pushes himself onto his feet and staggers toward me angrily, rejected. He swipes a hand and nearly grabs a handful of my hair. A strained scream escapes my lips as I force myself trembling onto my knees. I feel the essence begin to shift toward him, beckoning. I stumble to nothing, tripping in no particular direction, my gaze obscured unfocused as I throw my head wildly around, frantic. My limbs are thick, resistant, useless. Behind me his anger multiplies and he releases a deep guttural growl, building and burning in my ears. My heart stutters at the sound and I falter, stumbling forward into the carpet, my face slamming into the ground, pain bombarding my skull. Adrenaline courses through my heavy veins, shooting into my heart like electricity. Frightened tears begin to well in my eyes as I moan into the floor.
What have I done?!...