Fortunately And Unfortunately

© 2013 David Jasmin-Green

Unfortunately I'm feeling a little nervous about telling our story, and with my long list of new responsibilities I don't have much time to relate it so it'll have to be told in bursts and spurts whenever I have a few spare minutes, but fortunately Teddy has agreed to sit on my desk and keep me company while I get this record of events written down.

Unfortunately Teddy is an inanimate object made of fun fur stuffed with kapok or nylon or whatever they stuff cuddly toys with, and he's not really a teddy, he's a red and blue stripy thing of indeterminate species. Fortunately, though, he's been my best buddy since I was four years old, and he's an excellent listener. Unfortunately Teddy can't hear me pouring my heart out, but fortunately I don't care a toss, and I tell him all my troubles anyway because unfortunately nobody else is willing (or has time) to listen.

Unfortunately our energy provider cut off the gas supply a few months back because of our ever increasing arrears after June and I lost our jobs. It would be bloody freezing in the house, but fortunately I ripped out the plasterboard covering the old fireplace, so at least we can keep one room reasonably warm. Anyway, now no one has gas or electricity whether they've paid their bills or not, so we're all in the same bloody boat.

Unfortunately I only have a few trees in my garden (or had, I should say, because I've long since sawn them into conveniently sized logs), but fortunately there's plenty of standing timber in the gardens of the numerous vacant properties around here. Also there's a huge nature reserve at the end of the road that I visit most days under the cover of darkness. If you're good at reading between the lines you'll understand that the term 'nature reserve' roughly translates as 'an almost infinite supply of firewood, or at least a supply that will last a bloody long time, hopefully until this mother of all winters draws to a close'.

Unfortunately it's late July, and the icy weather is unlikely to pass for some time because we're suffering a nuclear winter - London, Birmingham and Manchester were all bombed by we don't know who at the end of April. The rest of Europe is probably in ruins too, maybe the entire world, nobody knows for sure because there's been a total breakdown of communications. Fortunately, so far, a powerful easterly wind has blown most of the fallout away from this part of the country, but I guess our luck could change at any time.

Unfortunately my computer doesn't work because we don't have any electricity, but fortunately I found an old typewriter down the cellar that I thought I'd dumped years ago. Unfortunately the ribbon had dried out, but fortunately I found one at the bottom of the bedroom drawer (fuck knows why that didn't get chucked out), and it works just fine. So fortunately I can type my tale because unfortunately my handwriting is totally illegible.....

Unfortunately the government food drops that the British public were promised at the beginning of the troubles failed to materialise, but fortunately there are lots of empty shops and houses with large stocks of non-perishable food to plunder around here, the majority of people vanished from the area in search of greener pastures not long after war broke out.

Unfortunately the same cruel government that's failing to feed the surviving populace have declared a state of martial law, but fortunately the troops are few and far between, and if you go out at night and travel mostly by back streets, alleyways and canal tow-paths you can avoid the murderous fuckers.

Unfortunately there are a lot of other murderous fuckers prowling around, and they'll kill you for a little food or your clothes (or sometimes just for the hell of it), but fortunately I have several shotguns, a hunting rifle and an enviable supply of ammunition that I stole from the house of a wealthy local businessman a little while after the bombs dropped. Unfortunately the poor fucker was in London on business when the sky turned red, and he was no doubt instantly vaporised (fortunately for us, I suppose you could say).

Unfortunately the bands of scavengers roaming the street have increased dramatically over the past couple of weeks, I have no idea why. Fortunately, so far we've managed to keep the vermin out of our house – the term 'an Englishman's house is his castle' has never been so appropriate – and our fortress would be surrounded by the corpses of our enemies if I didn't tidy up at night.

Unfortunately one of the bastards shot my teenage son in the shoulder, and the fucker got away, but fortunately my missus is a nurse, and she managed to dig out the bullet and clean the wound. Unfortunately the bastard keeps coming back with ever larger groups of fellow bastards with conquest on their minds, guessing, I suppose, that if we have guns and ammo we have plenty of food, but fortuna