almond lies

By a.lesser.thing

Tue, 16 Apr 2013
  • 380 reads
3 comments
 

armor grows out of his skin
when you don't look. he is
all angles, and in the nighttime,
curly tangles. he has freckles,
but only if he stays still;
his eyes' almonds closed.
he has a button nose,
and he's never
been one for surprise.

and oh,
that boy
lies.

a knight in shining armor
looks like night in a crying
corner. bruises weep, paths that
are steep, and if you hold him down
like this, it looks like he's praying.
and maybe he is.

love, like a sword
like a knife, like something
that fits in your wrist at
the end of the fight.
and you think,
at the end,
"maybe they
were right."

Certificate 12
Poem
Unclassified

Comments

Submitted by scratch on
I would delete "almond eyes" it acts to distract, pursuant of the interrupted reference to "eyes closed". Without it: "when you don't look. he is all angles, and in the nighttime, curly tangles. he has freckles, but only if he stays still with his eyes closed. he has a button nose, and he's never been one for a surprise." And don't be concerned about the loss of the loose rhyme, it's still there with "his eyes" and "a surprise". If you definitely what the "almonds" in the piece consider extending the reference thus: "when you don't look. he is all angles, and in the nighttime, curly tangles. he has freckles, but only if he stays still; his eyes' almonds closed. he has a button nose, and he's never been one for surprise." And a further advantage here is that the loose rhyme between "closed" and "nose" is strengthened. Again I want to draw your attention to form. We have talked about the use of uncapitalised 'I's" and your preference is for lower case, fair enough but; If you are going down the route of ignoring grammatical convention go the whole hog. To include full stops (I think is the right thing to do) but then to begin the next word in lower case simply seems uniformed. I think that this is a strong submission from you again ALT. Well done.

 

Submitted by littleditty on
intriguing poem, agree with scratch re the almond eyes, but almond eyes are so engaging, I'd want them somewhere in the poem, and perhaps sneak those almonds into the title, Almond Lies..or almond lies. Re capitalisation - well..i get it, and so do I. I think if something stylistic is uniformed it works -if not, by contrast, it can work too :)

 

Submitted by a.lesser.thing on
I used the second suggestion because of how I wanted the reference of "almond" to use as a suggestion of innocence, even through his lies/the aggression displayed in this. I nearly wrote this using capitalization, but backed off because there was a conflict between fingers and mind and it seemed as though it worked with both forms. I've been amusing the idea of switching to capitalization for a series that I want to try, because some people prefer it and also because I need to try new things. You guys might be seeing some of that soon. Thank you so much, Scratch! Also switched the title for you, Littleditty. :) I'm more partial to lowercase, and prefer reading it myself, but like I said - need to try new things!