Trevor's Troubles

"Dammit!" Trevor punched the empty bed next to him with downward force. Not, again, he thought as he looked down to the tent formed with his sheet.
He raised his hands to his forehead and ran his fingers through his hair, leaving them to rest behind his head with his eyes closed.
"Not again, Lord, not again," he whispered in an exasperated prayer.
'At least I managed to send Rosa home last night, it wasn't easy after all that red wine, but I couldn't have handled her too this morning, not like this,' his thoughts rolled on.
'It's been months. Months, and no reprieve, no break. Every weekend, without fail the dreams continue. Her; her in my arms, her less clothing, her making me feel more like a man than any woman ever has. Usually it would end there, but not this one, not this one, this one, this dream, why do I want to hold her, why do I want to protect her and make her feel safe and loved?'
"For fuck's sake Lord, I've never even kissed this girl. I haven't seen her in years now, Lord, YEARS!" he sat up yelling at he knew not what, did God even exist? Did He even care? Who else would be torturing him like this? Who else could get into his dreams?

It had only been a few months, she was his sub-ordinate, he was her manager, he was the boss. She was a fly-in and out, she didn't even have the stamina to last longer than 3 months in the organisation. Granted, the work was tough, not everyone was made for sales, but tough people could do it. He was tough, he'd put in the time, he'd climbed the ranks, he'd become mates with the CEO, he was in there. He rocked. She, well, she was this little, timid, weak, smiling, delicate, beautiful soul who made him feel like heaven could be on earth… He sighed. No matter how much his mind put her down, no matter what excuses he came up with, none of them worked, his soul wouldn't let them. She was, yes, she was 'the one', and she wasn't with him.

He couldn't deny it. He had wanted her from the moment he saw her, even though he had told his girlfriend, Lucia, every night on the phone that he loved only her, he was lying, she wasn't the girl on his mind. His girlfriend wasn't the one who made his body so hard that being a man took on a new definition. Those three months had been torture enough. He had taken her to lunch, he had bought her coffees, he had made sure their staff meetings were daily and just between the two of them, she'd eventually told him that they didn't need a meeting every day. She told him; that had made him mad, even though she was right: they didn't; but he wanted to be in her company so badly, just to have her there had made him smile. He had reshuffled the seating plan of the whole team so his desk could be next to hers, "so he could help her in getting to know the products and in using the systems". He hadn't been prepared for her showing him the poor editing, the flaws in the systems and the necessity to upgrade all the inadequate training materials. He'd never had the guts to tell her that half the things she'd ripped to pieces, with precise and unarguable reasoning, were his creations. No one ever told him what to do, or told him that he got things wrong. Man how that had enraged him, and he couldn't show that rage, he couldn't fight against indisputable logic. What woman is logical like that anyway? Women are all emotional and men do a better job, where did she come from? He tried to find out, he used the charm that had worked on every other girl he knew, to find out more about her, but her lips were zipped. Everything came back to work. Then there would be the odd moment where she'd let some jewel slip, a peel of laughter, a song lyric, a quote and Trevor had caught the slightest glimpses of the real woman behind the heels and sexy suits. Boy did she know how to dress, even on casual days in those jeans and sneakers, more than once he'd had to visit the men's. Casual days became ones he both longed for and wished he could skip.

He stared at the ceiling above his bed, longing for the after effects of his dream to rest and not send impulses to his brain to practice what he'd learnt when he first found his big brother's magazines. 'She could be in those magazines, but if she were, I'd kill her. I want her all to myself.'
'Stop it Trev! Stop it.' He told himself, 'this obsession has to end.'

Who was he kidding? Rosa was incredible, the third incredible girl since… since Chantial had walked out of his office. Rosa, a beautiful Italian girl who kept him more than happy; and looked so hot on his arm when he went to those client functions. She would make a great mother, she cooked like a dream, she was intelligent, she was great, but she wasn't Chantial.
'Seriously, who am I kidding?' Trevor rolled his head to look at the empty pillow next to him. Her head should be there he thought, as he raised his hand to touch the white linen softly, imagining it was her skin, he knew she must have soft white skin.
That part he hadn't figured out yet, his girlfriends had always had olive skin and dark chocolate eyes, not pale white skin and glistening denim blue eyes. When did his taste change? Why did it change? He was very happy with the exotic look, nothing more beautiful than that tan beneath his fingers, unless it was her untouched, delicately precious body connected to that smile that echoed the nature of an angel, a heart of love. Lying next to an angel. No, he wasn't worthy of that. He couldn't take that responsibility; squeaky-clean girls weren't his style. So why did he know, why did he feel, that Chantial, would be more than incredible…?

The thoughts sent vibrations through his body, vibrations that had resonated in his body since her email the day she left: "I knew you had a girlfriend, even though you didn’t tell me. I know I'm not an exotic beauty, I know I'm not your type, but you haven't acted like it. I'm sorry I let my feelings get in the way of my professionalism, but they have, it was that dance… that stupid dance… please leave me alone today. Thanks for your help whilst I've been here, you've been amazing, and I think that's why I've fallen for you, but being the other woman isn't my style. Please leave me alone today Trevor. Thanks. May God bless you abundantly. All my love, Chantial."

He felt pure jubilation when he got that email, the joy that bubbled over inside him when he read that last line was like nothing he had ever felt before: "All her love", he had all her love! He had never felt so unbelievably, ecstatically happy before! What an awesome way to start the morning. She wasn't at her desk yet, but he couldn't wait to see her and tell her that he felt the same. He went back to read the email again, and that's when he froze. He had lied to her, he had played her, he had, but he loved her too, but you don't play someone you love. You don't keep things from someone you love. "God bless," even though he'd really been a bastard…

On the third read Trevor's mind flashed back to reality with the first line: Lucia! She was visiting him, she was at his flat right now; he was cooking dinner for her tonight. Lucia was there, Chantial was leaving, Chantial wanted him to leave her alone. Trevor put his hands in his head and nursed all the thoughts running riot inside. He wasn't turned on when she eventually walked in and went to her desk. She barely nodded a hello. Gone was that electric smile. She looked different, her eyes were shinier, her hair was down for the first time ever, she had no make-up on; she looked like a little girl, yes, a little girl who had been crying. She avoided him, he felt awful. He felt his world collapse, what had he done?

The moments from the last three months ran through his brain, he'd told his work colleagues that he would "get this one"; he'd manipulated so many situations to be there with her; he hadn't told her about Lucia, he didn't even know how she had found out. What else had she figured out? He'd created problems with things on purpose so she'd have to stay later, when he knew she had to take a long walk home. He'd even paid off Mike, a divorcee who had accepted Chantial's offer to baby-sit his kids when his ex-wife had cancelled on him. Trevor did not want Chantial in that sleazebag's house, over his dead body would that happen.

Looking at it all, it shouldn't surprise him that she was avoiding him, because he knew the soul she had. What the hell had he done? Why did it matter with her? He'd done it before; he'd won his way before. Why didn't he win with her? She was definitely physically attracted to him, at the Annual Dinner Dance Awards Evening the two of them had danced together like he had never danced with anyone before, and boy could she move. Those hips, those steps, wow. He'd always hated his older sister for making him dance with her, but that night, he couldn't have loved his sister more for teaching him how Chantial deserved to be held and led around a dance floor. After that dance he had been in uncharted territory, he didn't know what to do, Chantial had openly hugged him thank-you, but she hugged everyone, she gave love to everyone, she'd never singled him out any differently to anyone else, until that email. When she hugged him he felt like he'd stepped off the planet. He'd never felt that happy before, that confused, he'd stopped listening to the music, like he was dancing with her in heaven, the crowds had disappeared and that moment seemed to echo what should be in eternity, the two of them dancing. He went to the men's room after the dance, came back to the room, and then left without saying goodbye to anyone. She sent him a text an hour later, thanking him for the evening and the dance and she was sorry she didn't get to say good-bye. It was such a Chantial thing to do, say thank-you. His mind had being going through images that didn't deserve any thanks. That dance; his body reacted to his mind's re-enactment again, like it always did.

It was no longer just a pillow next to him; it was Chantial and their baby daughter. He moaned at the vision that had been haunting him and turned over to have his back to them. Tears brimming in frustration, desire, and pain at the emotions and thoughts living in him. He felt her hand on his back, he didn't know how, he didn’t know why, he'd stop asking those questions long ago; there haunting presence was just there now. Then the voice telling him it was going to be ok. Then his prayer began:
"Lord, help me, please, help me."
Trust Me, was the reply, trust Me.
"How can I trust you? How can I, when I lie here, haunted, plagued by guilt, knowing that I hurt her, feeling that she still feels me, that we are still connected, somehow. How can I trust when the feelings are so bad? How Lord, how?"
Through faith my son, faith in what you feel, faith in what you know. You can lie here for years to come, or you can trust me and go and get the gift I have given you.
"Are you insane Lord? I don't deserve such a gift! I didn't even deserve the forgiveness she gave me. Lord, You know what I have done, who I am. You know that I'm not worthy of someone as precious as her. I'll only fuck it up."
Trevor, you are my child, you are destined for amazing things, and Chantial has all the love you need to help you achieve it all. I love you Trevor, more than I can possibly tell you, so I want to show you, I am showing you.
"How can you love me? You know me."
I know everything about you, past, present and future. I know you are delaying the future, you are putting off the awesomeness I created you for, all because you doubt yourself and you doubt Me. It is because I know everything about you that I love you so. It is because you are my child that I love you, and it is because you do deserve it that I have blessed you with Chantial. She is even more amazing than you have come to imagine, and I would love you to experience My love for you through her. Let yourself Trevor; trust your knowing. Have faith; trust; and all the confusion, the pain, the fear, it will go and you will be left with nothing but love.
"Lord," Trevor was openly crying into his pillow, consumed by the love his soul knew, the truth his heart knew and the years of unworthiness his mind had convinced him of.
He sobbed, relieving the tension he had been carrying for months, letting go of the burdens he'd been unnecessarily carrying for so long.
"How Lord? How?"
Roll over Trevor, roll over…
Trevor did, and Chantial was there to cup his face in her hand, to softly kiss the tear marks on his cheeks. The tears carried on flowing as Trevor felt his heart swelling into his throat, overwhelming him beyond all measure and description.
"Email me, my love, email me." she whispered into his ear.
His voice gone, his defeated thoughts reverberated with: What? What do I say?
She whispered again: "Hi…"
He choked and laughed, a peace settling in his soul… :"Hi?"
"We'll take it from there, gorgeous. We'll take it from there." She giggled and moved back to look him in the eyes, "I won't make you apologise just yet," her beautiful denim wink forced him back to his teenage practices, but he didn't feel like he was practising alone…