Memories Of A Broken Mind

Memories Of A Broken Mind : Remembrance By InsanityMumbles.

An Introduction :

A thank you to all the people who have helped, inspired and supported me to do this.

R.a.a I wish I could tell you how much you have done for me. You have shown me what is true and for that i can never thank you enough.

To my best friend, I couldn't have wished for a better brother to acompany me through life. You have done more for me than i could ever expect of a brother.

As much as writing this could hurt me or you it is something that i have to do.

- I am but only a creature of love, jailed by time , ruled by emotion -

Part 1:

If ever I were at my most vulnerable it would have been at the age of 13-14. I remember lying on the couch upside down, pondering about love and its secrets. Then your name popped up , MissNerdy . We talked and talked until well finally I started flirting. Now imagine the joy I felt when an angel as stunning as you had flirted back - Never before had anyone shown such interest in me.

Despite the distance and the hardship of not being able to hold you - who I at that time had barely known - and comfort you when you needed it, I stayed positive.

Then the time came, a hellishly angelic moment.

Part 2:

We were driving for what seemed to be hours to reach the concrete giant.  Entering the parking lot the shadows would start dancing, hiding only when the sun would show its vibrant rays.

Finally we came to a stop - Not my heart no, it refused to be tamed - walking impatiently i started searching for you. Then i spotted it, a white mazda with two girls sitting in the back. We phoned your mother and she answered in the gentle tone she always does.

You got out of the car and my lungs, they ceased breathing, my eyes, they immediately focused. You were so radiant .. Two cyan bands in your hair , heavily shaded eyes. My body gave a step forward to hug you but my mind wouldn't aggree! Then it happened our arms wrapped around eachothers souls and your stench hit me , dazed i tried to break free.

Getting into the car your sister greeted me with a warm nod - she was never one for words - , beautiful as she were , you were my only fancy. Again the shadows danced until the car broke free , into the dieing sun.

The drive was numbed by emotions pushing to the surface... I still remember you gently removing your blackberry from your pocket showing me photo's wich had no apparent meaning just to ease the stress.

We stopped at a pharmacy , most likely to find your sisters diabetic things . Everyone was out execpt for your father. Stepfather, I never did like him.

Arrogantly i layed my hand down on my lap, sweating as a pig. I opened it up and invited you , gracefully you accecpted and took my hand in yours. My heart raced , a door shut and your sister had a mocking grin on her face.

Part 3 :

The movie store, a small one wich consisted of three rectangles and a oversized booth. Thats when we really talked for the first time. Nothing particularly important but still the memory has its charms.

On our way home - my home to be - things were more relaxed . We stopped in the garage, I got out to take my oversized red camping bag wich contained mouthwash on the sides for easy access . Beautiful portraits hung on the walls, admiring them i didn't notice the little jack russel sprinting towards me. He greeted me lovingly and then moved on to the rest of his family.

We went to your brothers room, the sky was darkening and dinner would come soon. You showed my photos of you when you were in Australia - on your brothers bed we lay as it was the only sittable surface near the computer - for the remaining two hours my mind kept echoing " Kiss her,Kiss her".

Finally i gathered the courage... I stared into your deep soft blue eyes , the silence was aggonising but then our lips touched.I rolled on top of you and the kiss turned into something else, something more like lust rather than love . Our first -kiss- had just happened when your mom called us for dinner..

Part 4:

*I refuse to go into more detail than what is needed. I do have my morals. *

For dinner, a feast worthy of kings . Sausage, potatoes and lamb mixed with the most scrumptious sauce my tongue had ever had the honour of tasting. The conversastion might have been stale but the food sure as hell wasn't.

Departing from dinner and back to the bedroom where once again the photo's appeared on the screen. I couldn't take my eyes off you, out of nowhere we kissed once more...

The day grew weary but our passion , our connection flourished. We kissed and kissed until it became a bore. With nothing more to adore I sat back, stretched my arms behind my back and removed my shirt.Lock the door you had said, at first I was shocked but the privacy was something i valued. Back onto the bed and into your arms as lust had willed it. At first I was petrified of my chest touching yours . Using my arms as support to keep a safe distance until they failed me.

I retreated immediately and then laid back down ... My chest gently touching your breasts and our lips locking. This would be the start of a horrifying night.

-Time passes as the distance once more towers above us. -

Part 5:

Again the concrete giants came but this time we skipped them - making a sharp right before the mall and into the parking lot where your mother and you waited patiently.

In the car again, holding hands and waiting for the end of this aggrovating ride. - Your smell, as intoxicating as before. It still haunts me to this day. Hoity Toity-

We stopped once more at the house but instead of your brothers room - because it was occupied by a lovely couple - we had to take yours.

Again time passed as time passes. I found myself in the bed with you once more. Kisses were slowly becoming numb. Again the shirt went off , to my suprise so did yours.
Losing track of the time it continued until the point where neither I Nor You had any clothes.

With nothing but the blankets keeping us apart the kisses grew more impatient. In the backround slowly playing fall out boy stood. After a good while your lips finally uttered the words please. As a man then should i followed with -no-

The events repeated three times now I was in your room for a critical moment in this story. Almost like a tape being watched over and over again it happened . The air was cold so sticking close to each other had a valid excuse. You asked once more but this time you leaned into me and softly in my ear... I said no. You asked again. I said -No, i want to get married first- . Then you said those unholy,unmissable and unforgetable words - I'll marry you -

Being foolish in my youth ofcourse i believed it. The night faded , what had just happened I could not turn back nor ever give to anyone else . Both a curse and a blessing.

That was the night I had lost my innocence . I lost my virginity and with it my sense of purity.

Fragment 1 :

Lying in the bed my eyes were slowly shutting from the other end of the house i could hear the shower water. Then came my dreams, vivid and shallow of nature.

Suddenly little drops of water careassed my cheek... Waking up i saw you, gently squeezing my hand. You climbed on top of me and looked me straight in the eyes. I still remember the whirl of the ocean in your eyes and the smile that played slowly across your lips.

You leaned closer to me.. Your wet hair was now tickling my cheek. Then I was kissed only once but it was so plaintively amazing.

Finally you lay down next to me. Pushing my body against yours I wrapped my arms around you as we both slowly fell into each others dreams.

The next morning I woke to find that you had already scurried of. There you were in the kitchen making french toast. My stomach loved you so.

The syrup was done so you made your own. The smell of vanilla essence clouded the air and the sugar was added , then mixed with a little bit of water. You had your mothers cooking ability.

Fragment 2:

Walking up and down, occasionally running in the streets near your house was always fun. The sun was shining brightly although slowly fading. Hand in hand we walked, singing any random song that came to mind - a teenage vow in a parking lot until tonight do us part -.

Back at my home. Just my luck my room consist of only two bunk beds and cuddling in one was fairly uncomfortable. Before i'd go to sleep I would sneak to my sisters room, kiss your forehead and gently whisper goodnight.

Part 5 :

So sitting at home without you was always a crude punishment of fate but it was something I had to get used to.

I was putting up some photos of us and trying very hard to get your attension on whatsapp , you seemed abit distracted that day. Getting out of the shower I sent you another message - Obsessing over wether or not you were ok - and I then immediately received a reply "We should take a break." . Knowing that obviously this meaned trouble I got upset.

An hour or so later I recorded myself singing broken of seether and sent it to you as a sign of my love. All in all that night is vaque to me but i remember the exact point when I realised it's over. I got up crying. Hitting my closet with all my might. Luckily my parents were out otherwise they would have been worried. I completely destroyed the altar I had made for you and then gathered all your things. In my fit of rage i threw them as far I could. Realising what I had done around the same time the cold started biting me I scaled our wall and ran up and down the streets in search of our love.

Needless to say I found nothing.

Part 6:

I had different ways of coping. Sometimes I'd take a piece of glass or pen and cut my legs just to feel something. Anything was better than the gaping hole in my chest. It became a habit to put my hand on my chest and listen to my throbbing heart every night just to make sure its still there.

A year later I was still constantly thinking of you and when a friend invited me to a party I had no choice but to go or to stay and rot in my own darkness.

The party started out fun. His 16th was a day I thaught he'd remember. Clearly I was wrong. Around 11 a clock that night the matrics offered me some Vodka and Coke, not wanting to spoil the party I gladly drank up.

Slowly the world started to spin more and more. The night seemed to lighten and the music seemed louder. The party had just started for me and it involved playing a round of Kings, yelling at dogs and then hugging them and ofcourse poking my friend with a piece of straw!

The next morning ofcourse I had my head in the clouds ! I couldn't wait to brag to all my friends and got to it immediately. That day I lost a friend who I cared for more than I would have liked to admit. She was like a sister with me but the fact that I got drunk scared her.

Having a short temper I told her to get out of my life in a more colourful fashion. I regret that night every day.

As if I wasn't down on my luck already , you angel, you just had to show your teeth. My phone rang impatiently and I read the text. - Your a daddy :) - Not expecting this I might have acted immaturely.

Part 6:

The last part of the year passed slowly. Some nights I'd dream of you , others were less charming. I'd wake at night wondering if my child was dead or if he/she had ever been alive in the first place.

About a month or so later you texted me once more and I asked you what happened and if you were pregnant your gracious reply was " I was only fucking with you. ".

The end.

Not every love story has a happy ending.

- I'm sorry but I don't feel worthy of you, not you my first no not you, but rather you (I hope you know who you are :3)-

Although I regret Not being able to tell the entire story my only hope is that this teaches someone something and maybe spares another the pain I have faced.

-Insanitymumbles@gmail.com