Mandy's Hot.

Mandy’s Hot.

 

While never being a very good Football player in my youth, I, however, enjoyed more success as a coach.

I coached boys and men in an amateur capacity. in all aspects of the game.

The camaraderie and banter, I thoroughly enjoyed at all age levels.

While coaching an Amateur team with players, aged twenty to thirty - ish, in my hometown of Bathgate.

I came across a situation, where it would be prudent to change the names, to protect the guilty.

 

The goalkeeper, say-‘ big Norrie ‘, had turned up at the game with his kit-bag over his shoulder, nothing unusual you would think but big Norrie hadn't trained on the previous Wednesday so, was not eligible to play in that game. 

 

" Eh! Whit’s the bag fur Norrie?"

 

The big guy squared his shoulders off, and with a slight mischievous grin, he answered.

 

“Am I right in thinking, that, if a player missed training on a Wednesday, making him ineligible to play the next game, but the said player, namely myself, had a very good reason for missing training and if that reason was accepted by yourself and the majority of the team. The player could play?"

 

“Aye! There is that provision."

 

Norrie held his open palm out, to indicate he may have an acceptable excuse.

 

"Right boys!, look-in!," I called to everyone.

 

"The big fella here, thinks he has a good reason for missing training on Wednesday, which would allow him to play in today's game."

 

All the players, who at that moment, were in various stages of changing, as one, all sat down to listen.

I nodded to big Norrie. His gambit went something like this;

 

 " Well yiz all know my wumman Mandy?”  

 

(Mandy, it has to be said; was stunning, she had all the qualities a healthy mature heterosexual male dreamed about).

 

The men all nodded,

 

"Right!!" 

 

He continued.

 

"I was leaving for training at 6-30pm on Wednesday and I was standing at the front door of me and Mandy's house.

As some of you may know, in my place, if you open the front door, there is a small landing and the stairs begin there and go right up to the bedroom?”

 

All the team with no exceptions strangely, nodded again..

 

Big Norrie, Lowered his eyebrows and stopped for a second. After giving himself a shake, he carried on regardless. 

 

"I opened the front door and just as I did, Mandy called from the top of the stairs.”

 

"Eh! Where are you off-tae big man?"

 

'The Fitba Training darlin".

 

" Mandy opened her dressing gown, aw fur Goad sake guys, she was wearing the come and play wie me gear. Aw! She wiz lookin amazing! With fishnet stockings,stilettos and basque. I had no choice lads. I closed the door, as any of you guys would have done and headed up the stairs to attend to my duty."

 

All the team, again with no exceptions,raised their hands in supplication. The big Guy had wangled it. 

As one the team chorused,

 

" Git stripped Big-Man, yir playin.”

 

Big Norrie though, wasn't finished for the day. All the guys got changed and headed out onto the park for the pre-match warm-up. I was busy preparing the injury and first aid bag.

 

In the bag, I had three ‘magic sponges': One for the cold water bucket, for cooling down knocks; one in a sealed bag, soaked in TCP to clean cuts, and one wet sponge, for pre-cleaning wounds, along with various unguents, cooling and or heating sprays.

 

The big man was busy rubbing Wintergreen into his legs to heat them, as it was pretty cold out.

 

The Ointment he was using, was a particularly virulent concoction, used to heat and releave muscles and certainly an ointment one would not advise to use anywhere near a cut and definitely under no circumstances near the eye, or any part of the body with nerve endings.

 

While he was massaging the unguent onto his legs and in my estimation, over applying the cream. He kept looking at me, and then looking away, while rubbing the same leg over and over again.

 

" Whit the hell is it big man?  Spit it oot, whit dae yie want? Whit ur yie hingin aboot fur?"

 

He stood up smiling," Paul, you were young once?"

 

I nodded.

 

"The thing is, it's big Mandy. She wants tae make-out in this changing room. The smell ae the ointment and the guys aw sweaty and that,well it gits her aw going, and she's desperate tae dae it the day. Can I have the keys when you go out tae warm up the team? Wev'e half an hour before kick-off?"

 

" Far be it from me to come between a man and his Wuman. You are both consenting adults, and what you do behind closed doors is entirely your own business, but Big-Man? As you know only too well; aw the guys' stuff is in here; wallets, car keys and the like and that's my responsibility to keep safe, so, when you two have finished daein whit you say needs tae be done. Make sure the place is secure and I get the keys immediately before Kick-off. It's the Scottish Cup and we need tae win the day."

Norrie' was smiling and his head was nodding vigorously as I handed him the keys and after picking up my equipment, I headed out the door, passing Mandy, on the way in.

She never even looked the road I was on. She was in, and the door slammed, I heard the lock turning as I descended the stairs.

 

I walked onto the field and called the team over for the wind-up talk.

During this, we all heard a wailing desperate woman screaming in agony. 

 

"AAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!"

 

The dressing room door was flung back. Norrie was standing with his shorts at his ankles, shouting "sponge! Sponge, Cold water sponge, Mandy is oan fire. I don't know what's wrong with her?  Her minge is burning she says."

 

The center-half dipped into the bag and innocently threw the TCP sponge to Big Norrie the goalie; caught it in one hand while pulling up his shorts with the other.

 

" No!"  I shouted but too late, another scream was heard from the dressing room and Mandy ran out the door half naked dragging her clothes behind her, heading fast to her car and the accident and emergency department of the local hospital.

 

Norrie had forgotten to wash his hands and during his foreplay with his Wumman, had placed his wintergreen fingers, where no wintergreen has any right to be. The TCP sponge, added insult and more heat to Mandy’s injury.

 

Thankfully she recovered quickly.