VILLAINS! 2

(SCENE 2. Scene Change to Mourning Wood: Mild lighting. Enter STRIZAD and THALLIAH)

 

STRIZAD: (Looking at map) Now I'm not positive mind you but I think we might have made a slight directional blunder at the talking oak tree.

 

THALLIAH: You made a blunder. I had nothing to do with it. I wanted to ask directions from those Gnomes but you insisted you knew where to go.

 

STRIZAD: Thalliah, I will not degrade myself by asking directions from garden ornaments. We have a perfectly serviceable map here (looks at it), ah see: all we need to do is make a quick short cut through the tunnels of doom, pass over the troll bridge and row over the lake of souls and we should end up...

 

THALLIAH: (She gives him a look) Where? Where should we end up?

 

STRIZAD: At the edge of the known world apparently, hmm (Turns map upside down)

 

THALLIAH: (Falls to her knees) Lost. Thalliah Darius, lost in the most infamous forest in Oppai with the stupidest manling that ever lived.

 

STRIZAD: Hey, I resent that. I'm half Elf.

 

THALLIAH: You are not you big fat liar.

 

STRIZAD: (Kneels down and points to ear) Oh yes I am, see how this one is slightly pointed.

 

THALLIAH: It isn't pointed at all, you're fantasilly.

 

STRIZAD: You're fantasilly.

 

THALLIAH: No, I'm cold and tired and hungry and suffering from a dangerous lack of superfluous appraisal (Lies down in a huff).

 

STRIZAD: (Puts blanket over her) Okay okay, we'll call it a day and pick up at dawn. Things will look better tomorrow, or at very least well be able to see the monsters stalking our every step..

 

THALLIAH: About that. Are you sure it's safe for us to sleep out in the open like this?

 

STRIZAD: (Gets under blanket and puts rock statue at their feet) Not to worry, I stole this protection charm from the West Side Witch a while back. Wards off all evil spirits.

 

THALLIAH: Oh, are you sure it works?

 

STRIZAD: Well the Witch was slain by a demonic ride-by a day after I took it, so I assume so yes.

 

THALLIAH: All right then, goodnight Strizzy (Lies down and closes eyes)

 

STRIZAD: Night Thal (a moment passes and STRIZAD slowly moves his hand to cop a feel, she instinctively elbows him before it touches, he recoils his hand) Ow.

 

(Another moment passes. RUTTERGUT and HILLY enter, and seeing the sleeping pair. Point and set their voices to a whispers)

 

HILLY: Awww look at that, bless the poor things. Ducks must have come from Castle Darius.

 

RUTTERGUT: Bleedin fools to be dozing out here with no protection - (kicks over protection charm) - deserve what ever comes to them. (Spots sack STRIZAD is holding) Don't mind if I do (Tries to prize it from him but STRIZAD is resistant to let it go in his slumber).

 

STRIZAD: (Murmured) No... my shinys... (RUTTERGUT gets the sack)

 

HILLY: Ruttergut the sixth, have you no shame? Stealing from youngsters while they sleep, I'll teach you: shazam! (throws glitter at him. He rubs eyes irritably).

 

RUTTERGUT: Don't you gimmie that tripe Hilly. I am a first class career bandit, and as such: must remain outstanding in the three key areas of banditry. The first being taking whatever I want (shakes sack), the second being doing whatever I want (he spits out phlegm to the side) and the third being breaking out in a musical number whenever things go my way (he looks in sack, pulls out a fist full of treasure, grins madly to HILLY and starts to sing loudly as HILLY tries to shush him) Oh my old man's a raider, he wears a raider's hat- (STRIZAD and THALLIAH wake suddenly)- he wears old rotten trousers and he (notices pair awake) lives in a council... dungeon.

 

THALLIAH: (Backs away, spitefully to STRIZAD) I thought you said the charm would protect us.

 

STRIZAD: From evil spirits, not from bandits and... um (looks quizzically at HILLY who smiles expectantly) I'm sorry what are you? (She looks downcast)

 

RUTTERGUT: To be honest we're not quite sure ourselves.

 

HILLY: Oh, where are my manners, I should introduce us. I'm Hilly, resident magical creature lf uncertain species and occasional gardener of Mourning Wood and this is my prestigious partner in crime: Ruttergut the sixth.

 

RUTTERGUT: (Pointing out as if its important) Son to Ruttergut the filth.

 

HILLY: Yes and-

 

RUTTERGUT: Grandson to Ruttergut the fourth.

 

HILLY: Well sure-

 

RUTTERGUT: Great grandson to-

 

THALLIAH: (Snarky) Ruttergut the third?

 

RUTTERGUT: (Bit embarrassed) No er, great grandson to Colin. Bit of a rebel that one.

 

STRIZAD: (Noticing sack) Hey that's our treasure, give that back!

 

RUTTERGUT: No can do lad, it's finders keepers out here. You snooze you lose.

 

HILLY: Job opportunities are a bit scarce... sorry.

 

THALLIAH: (Angrily) Oh plague to this (turns STRIZAD to face her) Strizad, you are going to man up and take that treasure back or I swear to the high gods I will cut you in places you didn't know could bleed. (Pushes him in front of RUTTERGUT, who takes out an axe. STRIZAD smiles nervously, looks back at THALLIAH and decides he's better off fighting the bandit. Raises fists).

 

HILLY: (Moves between them) Oh have pity on the poor dears. What were you two doing out here with all this bounty anyway?

 

STRIZAD: Well we were hoping to run away together actually, so we stole the treasure from her father's chest to pay for the boat to Londres. I'm Strizad, and the devil-kin behind me is Lady Thalliah Darius.

 

THALLIAH: Just Thalliah, I wont be called Lady any more.

 

RUTTERGUT: You mean you stole from Low Lord Darius? (STRIZAD nods) That's ballsy lad.

 

HILLY: (Fawning) And all in the name of love. Oh Ruttergut how could we ever steal from them?

 

RUTTERGUT: Like this (Walks away whistling. HILLY moves in front of him and snatches the sack away) Oi!

 

HILLY: (Looks through sack) Look there's treasure enough here to pay for ten voyages to Londres. How about this, we take half the bounty as payment for guiding you love birds through the wood. And you can keep the rest?

 

RUTTERGUT: Hey I never agreed to this! (She clicks her fingers and he loses his voice).

 

HILLY: It's the best deal you'll get out here. (The young couple look at each other)

 

STRIZAD: We accept. (THALLIAH crosses her arms irritably. HILLY puts half of treasure in her bag).

 

HILLY: Great, you can stay the night at our place, and we'll head off tomorrow. (She clicks fingers, RUTTERGUT clears throat and she hands him bag, Group start to move) Oooh you two can try my famous unanswered riddle while we walk. Here 'I am formless, yet I move nations. Ancient, yet I am born every day. Invisible, yet you follow me everywhere. What am I?'.

 

THALLIAH: (Grumbles) A smelly swindling hippy.

 

HILLY: No that's not ri- hey!

 

(Lights out. Scene change)