Chapter One

"Right where I left it..." I whisper oh

so silently to myself. I open up the tiny little box to find them just where I
left them. My tiny little frenemies are sitting there just as I had left them
two nights ago. They're so small and sharp. My little exact-o knife blade bits
and pencil sharpener blades are my options for tonight. I walk over and open
the door to check to make sure everyone's lights are off. Just as I thought,
everyone is asleep. I shut my door and walk over to my desk chair. I sit down
and dump out my blades. I pick up one of my exact-o knife bits and feel the
point. Still very sharp. This means easy and quick slices with smaller amounts
of blood. Good enough for today. Not a lot of pain but enough. I place it
between my pointer finger and thumb as I would a pencil and start to glide it
across my upper thighs in quick, straight movements. They blood doesn't
pour out immediately rather it pools in little bubbles. I go over
the same spots over and over again until my leg is covered in blood. I don't
feel much pain right now but that's because everything is so numb. So numb from
my earlier break down. After my thighs, I start on my inner forearms. I have to
start being careful because once again, summer is approaching. Long
sleeves aren't really the normal fashion statement in ninety degree weather.

I put the blades away in the box and sit back and
watch the blood spill out. Blood used to gross me out but now, as I sit here
watching it, it is amazingly beautiful. Not beautiful like beauty pageant
beauty but beautiful like trees swaying in the wind. To some they look clumsy
and odd but to others they are so beautiful and graceful just swaying back and
forth. They let the wind take them in every direction. Not everyone can notice
the beauty in everything. My momma says I have a gift for noticing that. If
only she had a gift for noticing what is right under her nose but no she's too
busy trying to raise my brother and I while our father is working. 

I pick up the box and put it back behind my old
teddy bear on my top shelf above my desk. I go to the bathroom to wash the
blood off of my thighs and arm so that my parents don't see the blood on my
sheets. I've gotten good at cleaning it up too. I wipe off the majority with
toilet paper so I can flush it away then use as little paper towels as
possible. I finish washing off the blood then head back into my room which
happens to be attached to my room. Perks of having so few children is you can
have your own bathroom. I change into long pants and a long sleeve shirt so
that if my mom has to wake me up in the morning she won't see. Over three years
and she hasn't noticed once. There have been times where she notices a little but I just made up some lie like I tripped and scrapped my arm on a huge branch or I dropped the knife so she doesn't actually think I am cutting. She's so stupid that she believes any lie I tell her. 

As I lay in bed, the throbbing begins. It pulses
everywhere that I sliced my skin open. I enjoy that pain. It's so much easier
to cope with the physical pain than the mental pain. My phone starts to buzz.
It appears my idiot friend decided he wanted to call me at eleven at night.

“What’s crack-a-lacking, my old buddy?” I decided
to answer it even though I usually wouldn't this late at night.

“J, it appears we have a problem…”

“Nelson, what the heck is going on? You never call
me this late even if there’s an issue”

“Well this one is big, J. Like bigger than when I
found out about your bad coping methods.”

“HEY! YOU DO TOO SO DON’T LECTURE ME!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well anyways, my parents found
them”

“No”

“Yes. And your stash that I don’t even remember you
putting there.” Nelson sounded annoyed by that.

“Hey I told you eventually. It’s not like I even
used them at your house. Those were just in case my parents found mine. And I
thought you said you stopped.” Nelson had told me two months ago that he was
throwing away his blades and going for a better coping method. He chose to do
the extreme, tell his parents about his depression. I have yet to tell mine
because of what happened to him. He was brought right to the emergency room
because he was the idiot who mentioned that he was suicidal. Then that got him
in a psyc hospital for a week. He said it was fine and felt better after. They
put him on medication and set him up with a therapist. I mean I guess it is
fine but I don’t need my parents taking my door or going through my room or
talk to some stranger every week. I thought he was doing better because of all
his help that’s why hearing about blades is kind of throwing me for a loop. I mean I knew he had a few still but I didn't think he would care if his parents found them.

“I did stop but then Bruce came back. He came and
said he still loved me and still wanted me. He claimed he made a mistake for
breaking up with me but turns out it was all a prank. He had said being gay was
just a phase and then beat me up a bit after taunting me. I took apart pencil
sharpeners again. That was just once though.”

“WAIT A MINUTE THERE BUDDY! YOU NEVER TOLD ME
ANYTHING ABOUT BRUCE COMING BACK! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!?” Bruce was Nelson’s
old boyfriend. Nelson came out about three years ago in the seventh grade and
dated Bruce in eighth. Bruce was a huge mistake and waste of his time.

“He came back Monday. And I cut on Tuesday and now
it’s Wednesday so you’re welcome for telling you.”

“Was that why you weren’t in school Tuesday?”

“Yeah…”

“You liar! You said you were sick! Why didn’t you
just tell me?”

“Because I didn’t want you skipping school seeing
that you’ve already missed so much to come sit with me while I have a
breakdown.”

“Nel, you know I wouldn’t give a shit what the
school would say. I would have just faked being sick and gotten sent home. Gosh
dude use your brain once in a while. So are the blades in the trash now?”

“Yes.”

“And you aren’t going to again are you?”

“No. And what about you?” Shit I forgot I told
him I would quit too. I never told him when I would but I said I would.

“Funny story….”

“JENNIFER! You said you would stop! When was the
last time you hurt yourself in any way?” Now he sounded pissed yet really
concerned at the same time. This is why I love him. He cares so much and I have
no clue what I would do without him.

“Please don’t yell, but right before you called.”

“How much…”

“About twenty or so deep ones on my thighs and a
few deep ones on my forearm.”

“Oh J, why didn’t you call me? What happened?”

“My mom and my anxiety.”

“What did that bitch do now?”

“She said I was a disappointment to her because I
just sit in my room all day, only get A’s and B’s instead of straight A’s, and
because my best friend is a gay dude. I can handle the first two but you, I
cannot handle that. Nelson, you’re my best friend in the whole world and I kind
of need you to stay sane.”

“Ignore her. I am fabulous and so are you because
you are my friend. We make each other awesome. I don’t give a shit what she
says because in a few more years, we can go to college together then move into
some shitty condo because we won’t be able to afford a nice one together. It
will be awesome.”

“I don’t what I would do without you.”

“Listen, I have to go but stay strong, I love you,
you REALLY need a boyfriend, and the fairy bear will come tonight if you sleep.”
The fairy bear is something we came up with in kindergarten. It’s this little
fairy that is a teddy bear that comes and puts good dreams into your head but
in order for it to come, you have to sleep with a teddy bear which is why we
bought matching teddy bears. It’s really stupid which is why we joke about it
now.

“Love you too, see you tomorrow ya big bag of nuts”

“Why thank you. Night lovely.” Nelson hung up and I
lay there alone in my bed surrounded with darkness. Eventually I fell asleep
even though I thought sleep would never come.