The Big Day

I am fast approaching my 60th birthday and I am still struggling to 'find' the true meaning of Christmas for me.  My childhood was not always a happy one and despite always having food, clothing, presents and a bed to sleep in it was not a happy time of year.

My parents did not get on and frequently argued.  Usually it was when my dad had come back from the pub and sometimes it got physical.  I used to cower under the sheets pretending to be asleep and desperately pray for calm. 

As a small child I was naturally desperate for Christmas Day and the toys Santa always brought me and the long weeks did not balance with the post-Christmas letdown that began with the endless Boxing Day sales and holiday adverts on TV.  We had Christmas Dinner after my dad came back from the pub and he was usually asleep by pm.  The void of that time was never filled and I grew to hate Christmas.

My teenage years saw a big shift and Christmas changed.  Gone were the fights and silences and in their place a sort of fun.  My first proper girlfriend and the girl I subsequently married both had families who shared the day and made it fun.

Yet the damage had been done for me and I desperately sought to make 'The Big Day' special.  The more I tried, the worse the let-down became.  In fact I get angry when people enquire of me "Well, are you ready for the Big Day?"  I hate that phrase.  For a start it's only 24hrs and often unlike any other day. The mess that was once the Christmas Dinner table lies festering and pleading to be tidied.

I did enjoy watching my growing children open their presents and the family atmosphere we created was sort of special, but my memories haunted me and would not leave me alone.  So Christmas was for me a time to be endured and quickly forgotten.

Then, it hit me.  I had to find the 'Christmas Spirit' in my soul and air it EVERY day.  Those empty, false phrases are for me hypocrisy and deserve to be scorned.  Goodwill is for life, not just for Christmas.

I shall rise on Christmas Morning and sit quietly on my own (I am always up early and love the quiet of the morning to myself) and meditate.  Not with mantra or candle- led worship but reflection.  I always make a point of contributing the the Salvation Army Toy Appeal and my joy is creating an image of someone opening a present that would not be there save for the Appeal.  No one knows it was me and that is important.  If I do good and get found out, It is spoilt for I cannot help but bask all but briefly in praise.  I also sent a donation to REFUGE a charity that shelters (mostly mothers ) people fleeing from domestic violence.  That to will be silently marked in my mind.  I suppose I am seeking 'closure' or something like that.  But rather that than the tinsel-laden celluloid falseness of a commercial venture.

I have found my Christmas and what is more important I need to find it within me every day of the year.  My wish is that everyone finds their true Christmas.