Whoooa-oh-OH-oh, for the Longest Time ...

Noah realized he had fucked up significantly when he found himself in an elevator instead of his friend's house. After a long night of uncommon acts fueled by copious uppers and hallucinogens, he had expected to crack his eyes open and see himself sprawled on a carpet, surrounded by crushed Solo cups, pools of vomit and other body fluids, and strangers in various stages of dressing. Instead, he was gazing at three blood-red walls and a door that seemed to be perfectly formed from metal yet inexplicably archaic at once. And the floor ...

The floor was the most garish shade of green he had ever seen. It was a perversion of his favorite color that utterly clashed with the walls.

Noah briefly assumed that it was a mere vision brought on by substances that probably should not have been mixed. But somehow, he just knew, instinctively, that this was real, and he was dead. He felt like he had been punched in the stomach, but on the inside, in a sort of implosion that surged through his body and into his mind. The party was truly over. Damn.

What he did not know was what exactly had happened - for all he knew a UFO fell out of the sky and struck down the whole bloody house - and whether this elevator was going up or down. There was no button panel beside the door and no indicator above it showing which floors, if there are any other metaphysical floors between Heaven, Earth, and Hell, he was passing.

Before he could even begin to ponder any of those questions, the silence was broken from overhead and all around.

"^Dum-dum-dum

Whoooa-oh-OH-oh

For the longest time!

Whooa-OH-oh

For the longest -

If you said goodbye to me tonight (oo-OO-oo-oo)

There would still be music left to write ... (AH-ah-ah)"

Throughout that first verse, Noah was incredulous. Then his confusion gave way to a grin, then a giggle of relief. "The Longest Time," by Billy Joel. He began to weep, at first because the Piano Man's doo-wop triggered waves of nostalgia of his waking life - the moment his father introduced him to the song and he dismissed it as nothing special, listening to it while driving with friends, singing along to it with his brothers - then because he realized it was a great sign. God, in his glory, had tuned the elevator's radio to his favorite song. Things were looking up, and so was the lift.

He imagined it now: after the ascent, he would be reunited with family members who had long ago gone a stage or two up that road. He might even find his pets from childhood, the hermit crabs he loved so much and the forty-odd goldfish he was deceived into loving as the same three. He would eat all the pancakes he wanted without getting fat, he would giddily beat and destroy shades of his enemies and least favorite people over and over, and he would finally write that epic fantasy novel. Paradise, forever. It was just an elevator ride away.

The song began to fade out, and his thoughts returned to the more immediate moment. What would Heaven's Radio play next from his list of favorite songs? Perhaps "I Get Around" by the Beach Boys? "Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance would be fitting, considering he was on that black parade now. And he had always admi-

"^Dum-dum-dum

Whoooa-oh-OH-oh

For the longest time!

Whooa-OH-oh

For the longest -"

Noah slipped a guttural uh. This song again?, he thought. I mean, I like it, but it's just unexpected, is all ...

He shrugged. It's always been one of those few songs I could listen to on repeat, and I like it enough that I don't mind another round. I guess God just works in mysterious ways.

The first time it played, he had been too surprised and then too lost in daydream to even consider singing along. Now, pleased with the privacy provided by the elevator, he joined Joel in his joy.

"Once I thought my innocence was gone

Now I know that happiness goes on ..."

He sang from the bottom of his heart. Long ago he had renounced his faith and went down a dark path, one that was, in hindsight, filled with unbridled wrath and hedonism. Now he knew that the Lord was real, and as merciful as his parents once stressed upon him (albeit to a breaking point). Better yet, his agnostic doubt about the existence of any sort of afterlife was pleasantly confirmed. Paradise, forever - happiness goes on.

When the song ended once more, his spirits were soaring (literally!, he thought with a smirk). He always loved singing, and though he was subpar at best in life, he felt in death like he had performed spectacularly. He did not know if that was part of a perfect afterlife or if he was just happy and merely thought his singing was awesome, but he felt wonderful nonethele-

"^Dum-dum-dum

Whoooa-oh-OH-oh

For the longest time!

Whooa-OH-oh -"

What.

This ... this has to be some kind of joke.

Right?

He chuckled and asked aloud, with a hint of awkwardness, "Alright, God, you got me. Wasn't expecting it twice, wasn't expecting it thrice. This is weird, but alright. And, uh, and I understand that maybe it isn't my place to make requests, but I'd really appreciate it if you played another song. Just - just, yeah."

"Maybe this won't last very long

But you feel so right

I could be -"

A pause. Thank y-

"- Wrong

Maybe I've been hoping too hard

I've gone this far, and it's -"

"NO. WHAT." Two seconds of silence - not even. "Fine, let's - alright, let's just roll with it." Noah crossed his arms and smiled, but stopped after a second and clenched harder. Well, it's an elevator from Earth to Heaven. Heaven is the sky, right? Or maybe space. But it can't be that far. Maybe He just wants to play my favorite song until we get there. Maybe He just does this to everyone. Well, can't be much longer now. Paradise, forever - hold on to your heart.

He had lost track of how many times the song had played about the moment he crumpled to the floor. That could have been days ago, or hours, or weeks or infinities or mere minutes ago, he no longer knew. All he knew was the hatred he spat at his father for ever introducing him to the song and the subtle "bom-bom" harmonizing in the background of what he called the key-change moments. He cursed at the memories, now foul and destructive tsunamis rather than the pleasant lapping from the first time the song played. He came to savor the two silent seconds at the end of the song, a simple mercy that meant everything for him because they meant hope. But hope was in the bottom of Pandora's box for a reason, and with each "Dum-dum-dum" of doom he thrashed on the ugly green floor and regretted.

Paradise, forever - for the longest time.

Moments before the final verses, the floor shook with a sickening crash, the sound of colossal ships colliding. Noah bolted up, stunned. The music persisted.

An ominous beep resounded, only once, but enough to make an impact. Noah almost cried - it was a new sound, after God-knows-how-long of the same horrid doo-wop. A simple beep, lasting less than a second, but beautiful. A new sound.

The next sound, a thunderous grinding crunch, was less pleasant.

The doors to the elevator, still without so much as a scratch after the many times he banged and kicked and struggled to pry them open without avail, finally gave way. A set of talons, a sickly shade of yellow, spread them apart. They belonged to a vaguely humanoid creature with eyes piercing red where the white should be and cartoonish bumps on his head.

Not bumps, he saw with a shiver. Pointier than bumps.

"I want you so bad ..."

The creature smiled a toothy smile. "Hello, human," he snarled. "Nice to see you down here." Noah felt his stomach drop.

"I think you ought to know that I ..."

Noah's trembling lips sputtered and failed to stammer a prayer as claws stretched toward his face. His vision was engulfed first by yellow, then black.

"... Intend to hold you for the longest time!"