a walk from the pier

By h_v_h

Mon, 04 May 2015
  • 1104 reads
6 comments
 

I walk without purpose

I promise you this:

I shall not if I shouldn’t

Recall what’s amiss

I’ll ignore what is glaringly                           

Obviously true

And I’ll tread past the edge of the pier with you

 

And I’ll hope that our bones will be one with the tide

And remember to soften when we collide

In your countenance I see your unwanted fear

That you will ignore as we step from the pier

 

In the depths I will swallow what my lungs reject

And hands will untangle, eyelids will protect

The sting of the salt in the cuts on my arms

Will, on balance, be worth our new watery calm

 

Before blood vessels burst

We’ll decide silently

That temporarily

We’ve had enough of the sea

But, what’s more

As the roar of the waves will recede

You’ll once more want to jump off the pier with me.

Certificate PG
Poem
Miscellaneous

Comments

Submitted by london_calling79 on

At first calming and then detached and sad. Some jarring rhymed and unrhymed couplets too.

 

Submitted by h_v_h on

Thank you for your feedback Londoncalling, always great to hear someone's opinion on a piece! 

 

Submitted by love_writing on

Yes some nice rhyming going on and flows nicely.

Can I make a little suggestion- did you try the poem without capital's at the start of every line? I know it was historically the case to use a capital letter...and I'm no expert! But I think it can work well if written in lower case unless you want a break in the line ( i.e the end of a sentence, full stop etc) .This is only in my humble opinion so please disregard if you are happy with it the way it is :) 

love_writing

Submitted by h_v_h on

Thank you for your comment love_writing, that's really good advice about the lower case, I'll try that for my next piece :) 

 

Submitted by scratch on

Hi hv,  I'd give that approach that love-writing has suggested a try.  Capitalising acts as a punctuation in and of itself and to readers of modern free-verse it can seem to place a thumping accent at the start of each new line.  Potentially causing a distraction from the poetics.  

Of course there may be a structural or dynamic reason for capitalising each new line.   In these instances using capitals for the start of each line is perfectly acceptable.  In your (very good) poem here, you have been brave enough and experimental enough to avoid punctuation, ok there is a colon and a couple of commas, and it works very well because of that.  Go the next step and remove the capitals and enable the free flow of the words and images.

Peter.

 

Submitted by h_v_h on

Thank you Peter, that's really helpful. I'll definitely use your comments to hopefully make my writing better next time, it's great to have helpful feedback!