A View from the Top (Poetry Monthly)

Cherry

By luigi_pagano

Sat, 04 Jul 2015
  • 4015 reads
12 comments
 

In the sultry air of a moonless night,

on the top-floor flat of a tower-block,

a troubled man cannot sleep

and  leans on the rails of a balcony

with a mixture of anger and self-pity.

 

Contrasting the darkness all around,

across the road on the opposite tenement,

three brightly-lit windows shine.

Three tableaux, each depicting a scene:

an infant suckling at her mother’s breast,

an old man who’s having forty winks

and a couple performing rampant sex,

in full view, without any inhibitions.

It is the latter that evokes in this man

a  bitter memory of the betrayal of his ex,

engendering dark, lugubrious thoughts.

 

The view from the top is all encompassing;

in the distance, on the hill, the lighthouse

winks at the sea and at the incipient dawn

which soon will swap shifts with the night.

Will the sun, nascent on the horizon,

dispel the gloom of the tormented soul

or will its intense brilliance dazzle him?

 

© Luigi Pagano 2015

Certificate 15
Poem
Are you being versed?
Spiritual

Comments

Submitted by Bee on

You capture the composite scene so brilliantly here, Luigi, and the viewer's own feelings on interpreting what he sees. Reading it, I had a strong feeling that it would work / read better broken into stanzas. But that's not your style, and who am I to interfere? 

'her mothers’ breast,' - mother's? Not sure, I've gone all confused now. 

Great poem!

 

Bee

Submitted by luigi_pagano on

Dear Bee, I am so sorry about that misplaced apostrophe but my typing finger slipped. Don't worry, I didn't mean to introduce a surrogate mother.
I will try to break the poem into stanzas and see how it looks. The reason I didn't do that is because the number of lines differed.
I am grateful for your constructive feedback and much relieved as I was afraid the piece would be taken apart.

Luigi x

 

Submitted by Ed Crane on

you captured the atmosphere of a hot and sticky night and intermingled it with the emotions of a man wounded by life. In fact you manage so summarise the human condition with these three brief peeks into our society.

Like Bee, I feel it would be a little better if it were broken into a couple of stanza.

One point--- in the line:

across the road(,) on the opposite tenement, .... I would suggest removing the marked comma, I found that line confusing with it in.

Best to you

Ed

 

Submitted by luigi_pagano on

Ed, I am much obliged for your useful suggestions, especially the breaking of the poem into stanzas which was also advocated by Bee. I have made some edits and hope the revised piece is now satisfactory.

Kind regards, Luigi.

 

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Seemed to be something of 'Rear Window' here, Luigi?
You seem to have brought so much in, as I think has been said above, with the effects of the peeks into other lives, plus the effects of night and sunlight on the troubled person with his mixture of anger and self-pity. Well composed. Rhiannon

 

Submitted by luigi_pagano on

I must admit that Rear Window came to mind, Rhiannon. I even toyed with the idea of introducing a telescope but realised that it is a device much clichéd. I decided that dark and light should be my theme and worked accordingly. I am quite pleased with the result but then I am the author and I know how biased authors can be.

Thanks for the approbation, Luigi x

 

Submitted by Bee on

Hi Luigi.

I think this breathes more easily now. I like where you've broken it, too. Feels natural. And reading again, the emotions and observations, I like your poem even more each time I do.

Bee

Submitted by luigi_pagano on

Cheers Bee, my thanks to you again and I musn't forget the Cherry donor. to whom I am indebted.

Luigi x

 

Submitted by Ed Crane on

seriously, I really respect that. I think, like Bee, this reads more easily. Fine piece.

Ed

PS: I only thought about the film after I commented and I couldn't remember the title,

 

Submitted by luigi_pagano on

It is I, Ed, who has to thank you for pointing out where things can be improved.
It is odd how old bits of information like the title of a film can lodge at the back of one's mind.

Best, Luigi.

 

Submitted by VeraClark on

This has a film quality to it, the disconnected characters behind all the windows, well told stories too.

 

Submitted by luigi_pagano on

How very perceptive of you, Ray. It didn't occur to me but now that you mention it, It does read a bit like a screenplay.

Luigi x

*exits left* wink