It
By abctadin
- 1201 reads
”Don't you think that I
should have it? I think I should” Says the man in white. He waits
for an answer and it's taking to long to get an answer, well that's
how it is in his opinion. The man in black is very hungry. Very
hungry indeed. He is so hungry that he could eat anyone's thigh, even
the man in white's thigh, but he won't. ”Yeah I think so too. You
should.”
”Stop doing that”
”Do what?”
”Agreeing with me.
You're always agreeing with me.”
”Is there anything wrong
with me agreeing with someone?” The man in white looks at the man
in black to see if he was sarcastic or not. He might be sarcastic for
the very first time. ”Because if it is, then I'll stop agreeing if
that's what you want.” says the man in white in the softest way.
“It's not about what I
want it's about you always being so....”he sighs and gives up.
”I know you want it.
You're more hungry than me. Are you not?”
”Maybe a little...”
”And stop talking so
quiet, you're not a mouse, or maybe you are. You are always as scared
as a mouse seeing his predator ready to eat him. Do you know how
stupid that makes you look?” he looks at the man in black's face in
a distasteful way. The man in black's stomach is screaming for food.
While the man in white burps with satisfaction. ”If you're that
hungry, since I just finished a can of food, why don't you just say
that you want it?” They both look at it. ”I don't want to be
selfish...”
”You know why you have
never had a woman?”
”Because I don't have a
car or any social skills? I would so wish to have a car and some
social skills.”
”Confidence! That's why.
You don't have any. You're always pissing me off.”
”I'm sorry”
”Haven't I told you to
stop saying that word?!”
”Oh, yeah... I'm sor...”
he quickly puts his hand, full of dirt, covering his mouth, tasting
the ground they walk upon.
”Good, you're learning.”
”I apologize”
”For god's sake, you're
hopeless”
”I'm sorry.”
He grabs it. ”Here take
it. I know you need it more than me. You really are stupid, you know
that? You need to be more confident and tell others what you want.”
”Thank you. I haven't
eaten for a while so I really am hung...”
”You know what. I
changed my mind.” He grabs it again.
”Oh I see...I guess you
might need it for later...” This guy's friendliness never stops to
bother the man in white.
“I'll give it to you if
you insult me back or talk back to me.”
They both sit there in
silence.
”You know...this might
be our last meal.” Says the white man in despair.
”We don't know that!
Somebody might come and rescue us. Maybe we'll find more food. I
think things aren't as bad as it looks”
”Aren't as bad as it
looks? Have you already forgotten about all of these dead bodies
we've seen so far? You really are stupid!” The man in black stands
up quickly on his knees with the little energy he has left. ”Maybe.
But at least I'm not a giving up. You always give up. Every time you
say we'll die; then we do find some more water and in many of those
cases, we do find food as well. Perhaps you are the stupid one. Not
me.” the man in black's stomach shouts again.
”You know what? You
earned it now.”
”Wow really? Why? I was
so rude to you.”
”You've earned it
because you're so nice.”
”But I wasn't nice. I
can't accept it.” The man in white's eyes shuts halfway in
disappointment. It appears as if the man in black refuses to take it.
”For Pete's sake.”
”You are right, we do
find food even when I don't think that we will, but this time I'm
serious.”
”That's what you said
last time too.” With a fist the man in white slams the furniture.
Dust flies off and dust particles float around in the air. No matter
how much they clean, there's always dust. ”This time I'm dead
serious.” He pauses. ”If we don't find any food this time, we're
both goners”. The man in black appears to refuse this realization.
”One of us has to go out
and find some more food.” Nobody would think that the man in black
would be able to move because of his weight loss. ”If you go out;
then you won't make it.” The man in black's
eyebrows heightens in fear. He tries to stand up, but he can't.
”You don't have to go.
I can go. Really!”.
”Why do you say that?
Why do you say such things when we both see that you can barely move.
You really are that stupid.” If the man in white will go out, he
will die. They both know it. ”Don't go...I'm sorry that I can't
move. I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!” he says with some tears
falling down his dirty face. They haven't showered for weeks or even
months. While he brushes of his tears he realizes how much he miss
taking showers. The man in black moves towards the door and stands.
”Don't look under the pile of empty cans until I've left. I know
I've been mean to you and eaten more than you. I know that I haven't
been the bestest friend. Hell, I've never really liked you. I didn't
even want to be your friend really. I shall leave now. Don't forget
to eat it, even if you don't really deserve it. I'll be
back...Idiot.”
The man in white leaves.
The man in black eats it and enjoys every calorie of it. Thinking it
was his last meal, he then digs up a box under all of the empty cans.
A hidden box. On it he finds a paper full of dirt and some text. He
picks it up to clean it so he can read it. He licks his desert dry
lips and reads it out loud ”You were my best and only friend I have
ever had. Take it all.”
He finds a lot of food
cans and water bottles hidden below the ground.
The man in black is named
Johnson and he was rescued later. The man in white's name was Ryan,
he is dead.
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Please give me feedback. Construtive ciritism on mistakes and tell me how I could have done things better! Thanks!!
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Comments
Hi, abctadin. This is very
Hi, abctadin. This is very reminicent of Waiting for Godot, but I'm sure you already know that. Quite surreal, and the reader isn't quite sure what's going on aside from what's being presented. I believe that you call the 'man in white' the 'white man' at one point, which I would correct. Other than that, your narration is reminisent of stage directions in a play, which is interesting. Your characters and dialogue are okay, personally I'd give each a little more personality beyond the 'dominant' and 'submissive' roles you've assigned. Maybe write a short character biography for each. It's hard to critique this surreal fiction, but overall I liked it...even if I just want you to tell me what's going on.
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Hi!
Hi! Firstly, I want to thank you so much for your critism and ideas. I haven't heard about Waiting for Godis before. I see there is a youtube video on it. I was a bit confused when you said that my story appeared "surreal". I didn't understand at first what you meant because I was imagening this whole thing happen in a WW2 envoriment or post apocalyptic envoriment...or atleast some kind of "everyone close by are atleast dead"-atmosphere. Since I didn't make that come across, then I failed on that point. Should I have stated in the text at the beginning something like "This is year 1944 in country with radio active waste in the majority of places."? I really don't know. That's why I'm asking for help :P.
Secondly, thank you for pointing out the "man in white" error. I'll try to find it. I didn't find any of those errors, it just means that I should double check next time so I won't miss something similar.
Thirdly, I didn't think about one being dominant and the other one being submisses. I tried to give the man in white a role where he tries to make the other one stand up for himself. He means good, but he appears dominant. I wanted to portray him as a bad person who really hates everyone no matter how nice they are. I wanted to show that a nice guy with no confidence could make a hateful man into a teddy bear. I guess I failed there too. Should I have made the man in white physicly hit the man in black? Or is that going to far? what do you think?
Forthly, this is the most important part. I have absolutly no idea how to make a character biography. I don't even know how to make a short one as well. I don't know where to put it. Should I put it at the beginning? Or after some dialog? What about in the end of the text?
Lastly, I noticed that it looked more like a stage play after a while. I followed an advice to press make a new line when someone else talks. By doing this then it looks more like something for a stage or something. I don't know. What could I have done to make it look more like a book? I tried to put some descriptive information between the "discussion texts", but it felt like I put in unncessery information such as: said the man in black with a angry voice. Or is it the right way to go? To write in more and more information so it all simply looks more like a book?
I appreciate the feedback very much!
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Definitely read Waiting for
Definitely read Waiting for Godot, even if it was unintentional, your text bares several similarities with it. When I say surreal I meant was the Theatre of the Absurd, the type of play that Waiting for Godot is. More on that here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theatre_of_the_Absurd
As for your wanting to indicate that the surroundings are post-apocalyptic or WW2 based, I wouldn't, the text is perfectly fine without the reader knowing the exact specifics of the situation. We know that the man in white and the man in black are alone together in an isolated place, that's all we really need to know.
I think the relationship between the man in white and the man in black is fine, so no need to make one hit the other, I realised what was going on between them the first time around, but I still think the characters need to be more developed, since you're doing this as prose and not a play. Character biographies can help you develop a character, they're lists of features which you fill in, but they don't go in the story, they just serve to back it up. For example:
Name: Man in Black
Age: 30
Personality: Submissive
History: (Insert history)
A more detailed blank character biography can be found here: http://ttotheaffy.deviantart.com/art/Blank-Character-Bio-Sheet-90733420
Lastly, before you decide whether you want your piece to be a short story or a play, read lots of short stories and plays and see which one you think fits better. One thing most prose does, short stories included, is narrating in the past tense, which you might want to do instead of narrating in the present tense.
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