What did i walk into

It sucks when your life is doing great and you're at the top of your game, and then all of a sudden the rug gets pulled out from under you. Like for me, I went into my bathroom engaged to a beautiful woman, and I had the best soon to be...best man. Then fifteen minutes later, (I'm a stickler for flossing) I walk out and everything I knew was obliterated with a phone call from Chuck E. Cheese. When you see your soon to be wife crying on the edge of your bed, the first thing you think is. What's wrong? Let me comfort you blah blah...blah. You have to forgive my attitude, you know what no you don't. I fucking earned it. Where was I? Oh yeah, Chuck E Cheese. That pizza toting, over sized rat either saved my life or ruined it. That still remains to be seen. So I see her crying, and we will call her Betty. To protect Brittney's identity of course....oops. O well, we'll stick to Betty its easier. Betty what's wrong? why are you crying? Is everything OK? She sobbed, and snotted, and wiped mascara from her eyes. She gulped, like the kind you see in cartoons when the kid is about to fess up to breaking the family vase. This Isn't easy for me. She said. I'm just gonna say it, my boyfriend died. For a brief glimmering moment. Before my brain let me know shit's going down. I actually thought she meant me, like I died in a dream. Stupid. She always had a flare for the dramatic, this was not one of this instances. I looked into her big brown eyes and I opened my mouth, sounds were meant to emit from my throat. But all I could get out was a sound that can be described as a high pitched squeal close to a mouse or even a gerbil. There's more. She said. Cody died at work. I slumped back. Even admit this was kind of funny in a life crushing, start over kind of way. I said out loud. First my fiance cheats on me with some fucking dude, and my best friend is dead. It's a lot, like so much. I don't even cry. I'm still processing how these two separate things could happen. what cruel fate have I brought upon mys....wait! What did you just say!? The so called boyfriend whose death has broken your heart is my friend. Your dead fucking boyfriend is my fucking best man, or was now I guess. We were going to tell you tomorrow, he just got a promotion. This is a joke right, any minute Cody is gonna burst out and drag me away to a strip club. It wasn't a joke. But that didn't stop me from searching the house for my dead ex best friend for twenty minutes. All while my ex stood in amazement at the sight of a person snap mentally before her eyes. When I finally stopped and calmed me down, asked her how he died. Apparently the Mechanical Chuck was on the frizz. To get to the components in the chest you have to unscrew Chuck's guitar. It leaves a sharp screw exposed where the guitar went. Cody didn't unplug the power for the animatronics, he never turned off unused house lights either. Super annoying... All of a sudden little Pedro's birthday cake, pizza, and his Tia got bits of blood sprayed on them. Who knew the table closest to the stage was a splash zone. A freak accident they said. Divine intervention was my take, or serendipity, really any kind of coincidental thing that positive. The screw was just long enough, and good ol' Chuck's arm swung with just the right amount of power. He died instantly. For him that was good. Chuck's arm retracted and came down a few more times. Cody's body slumped and rested against it, so its like he couldn't get away. It took minutes before somebody snapped back to reality and kill the power. meanwhile  kids are developing mental issues left and right. How would you feel seeing a crazed man-rat you love brutally stab a man in the skull...several times. It's hard I imagine. If you can't tell I relish his death. My life spiraled out. I did what anyone would do when their best friend fucks their fiance several times before they decide they love each other and want to runaway and leave you in the dust and ruins that was once your life. Whew. Anyway she left me the house and moved into Cody's apartment. Fuck. I guess Cody never changed his will because I was still on it. I got a decent chunk. Enough to pay rent, skip out on work. For and I really emphasize the air quotes here "Personal exhaustion". God bless Los Angeles and every piss poor piece of shit actor or actress for creating a reason to fuck off being an adult when shit gets heavy. Rad. I spent my money well. I bought drugs, booze, and a whole lot of pussy. I have pictures if you want to...never mind. Anyway I just wrapped up a 4 way with me, this gymnast (who wasn't a gymnast by trade it was just a hobby), my downstairs neighbor, and a little person named Sheila I met at the bowling alley. 2 out of those 3 were hookers, luckily it wasn't the little person they cost double. O the many things you learn at the bottom of the barrel. I called Sheila a cab and proceeded to then call a drug dealer named Raul who lived in East LA. He was nice. Apparently one of Raul's essays hooked up with his and I could be saying this wrong. Sancha? Anyway it's a big no no amongst his friends. So he busted one in Juan's skull, and tossed his pinche culo body in the La Brea tar pits. I didn't even know that was a real fucking thing but I guess its not only a family attraction but a mass grave. Anyway he doesn't mind delivering to me because I have a decent house with cable. I get extra drugs for letting him watch Pay-Per view boxing events in HD. Loves the boxing that one. We bonded. my habit grew, obves. I was shoveling so much crystal up my nose it looked like a quartz cave in my left nostril. Do you know what happens to an emotionally distraught speed addict on the verge of being pushed further off the crazy ledge...nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was busy of course no sleep, constantly working on some project or idea. I was chasing ghosts that weren't there. Literally I would see ghosts and chase them around my house, Milo and Larry won that game of hide and shriek I tell ya. But also in a metaphorical sense. So I'm sitting in a bathtub full off ice naked because I was worried I was overheating and it hits me. Just need to move on. I need to stop wallowing in my sorrows, stop doing copious amounts of crystal meth, stop having sex with every vagina I meet. Anyway I'm talking your ear off Declan I'm sorry. How does it feel to turn 8 today? Get ready to adult little dude. One minute your mom is taking you to soccer practice. Next minute your second ex wife is asking when your alimony payment check is gonna clear. Shit don't tell your mom about this story she's gonna fucking kill me. Shit. I need to stop cussing around ya kid. Anyway your uncle Franky told you this story so you can learn from my mistakes. I have an endless supply of tales with debauchery and messed up sh..tuff messed up shtuff. But their learning tools, I'm not glorifying anything It's a strong worded warning. Any questions Declan?

What's debauchery?

Declan, debauchery is a coke fueled night with an escort named Andrea having mind numbing and genital numbing sex. That my fine friend is debauchery.

Sounds icky.

It's quite icky, shit here comes your mom. If she asks were talking about, about. Shit dude what are you into?

Transformers are cool.

Thank God for reboots. Hey!! Amber where have you been hiding me a little Declan have been talking about Transformers.

Franky have you been telling him bad stories again?

What? No way Transformers dude all the way.

I told him to say that in the event you asked him not to tell.

You slick little sh...angel he is a shangel. He is a little prince. Who is now shooting me the finger. Declan what do you have to say for yourself?

My mommy is my best friend, every ones mommy should be their best friend.

I'm taking him back inside with kids his own age, they don't tell stories about things like that.

Yeah what's he gonna learn now.