Up for Sale : Part Two

COLIN : Oh hello. This is our casualty then?

MRS. HOLBROOK : Oh it’s you. How you have the cheek to show up I don’t know? Where’s Mr. Wentworth? I was expecting to see someone in charge. I suppose the fact my husband is almost dead isn’t important enough to call out the manager. They’ve sent the monkey not the organ grinder.

COLIN : I can assure you, Mrs. Holbrook, I’m no monkey. In fact I couldn’t even face the climbing frame at school.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Oh shut up. This was a near tragedy and look at me, I’m drenched. The plumbing in this house is attrocious. I used the toilet and got half the cistern over me.

COLIN : Well I don’t think you should have used the toilet in a vacant property, Mrs. Holbrook. We may have a claim for damage to the property.

MRS. HOLBROOK : This is a scandal.

COLIN : Well, Mrs. Holbrook, we are an understanding firm and I’m sure if you cooperate with us we will cooperate with you. Accidents do happen, don’t they? No one is to blame are they, Mrs. Holbrook?

MRS. HOLBROOK : Well no.

MR. HOLBROOK : Exactly, Colin, that’s what I’ve been saying. No one is to blame for anything.

COLIN : Good, I’m glad we’ve cleared that up. I’ll file my report for Mr. Wentworth and I’m sure he’ll forget any slight damage to the property.

MRS. HOLBROOK : We’ll never find a house that’s suitable.

COLIN : This one has a lot of potential, Mrs. Holbrook. It’s cheaper than a lot of the others in a similar class.

MRS. HOLBROOK : So you think it has class?

COLIN : All of our properties have class.

MRS. HOLBROOK : They are bargain basement properties at best.

COLIN : There is a property in ‘The Meadows’ for sale at the moment which is hardly a bargain basement property.

MRS. HOLBROOK : How much is that one?

COLIN : Half a million.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Oh how nice (in affected tones)... we may be interested.

(Mr. Holbrook passes out)

Oh, Wallis (looking at the others)...... he’s passed out.

(Jeff goes for a chair and sits Mr. Holbrook on it. He slaps his face to try and revive him)

JEFF : Mr. Holbrook, wake up, Mr. Holbrook.

SAM : He’ll be alright.

MR. HOLBROOK : Oh, what day is it?

MRS. HOLBROOK : My husband is delirious.

COLIN : No, he’s just a bit disorientated. Take him to the car, Sam. Can you drive him, Mrs. Holbrook?

MRS. HOLBROOK : If I have to.

COLIN : Maybe if you call into the office tomorrow I’ll let you have some information on ‘The Meadows’.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Oh yes, Colin (more affected tones)........... I’m sure we’ll be interested.

(Mr. Holbrook groans and everybody exits the house)

(Change of scene : It is the next day in the estate agent’s office)

MR. WENTWORTH : Have you informed the tenants I want more rent, Penny?

PENNY : Yes, Mr. Wentworth.

MR. WENTWORTH : Half of them aren’t honest. They can pay more. The houses they are living in are good quality homes.

PENNY : Yes, Mr. Wentworth. We had a notice from the council yesterday saying it was interested in demolishing some of them.

MR. WENTWORTH : What? That must be a mistake.

PENNY : That street down by the docks, built in the eighteen hundreds.

MR. WENTWORTH : They are fine Victorian residences, Penny.

PENNY : They want the land. Half of them haven’t got bathrooms, you know.

MR. WENTWORTH : Don’t be ridiculous. Mmm (perplexed)............Is that true?

PENNY : Yes, don’t worry, Mr. Wentworth, it’s not our concern how people live. Think of us in ‘The Meadows’.  It would be heaven: half a million worth of heaven.

MR. WENTWORTH : It’s no time now  to think of ‘The Meadows’. Has no one been interested in looking at it, apart from you, Penny?

PENNY : I think Colin said the Holbrooks might look. Personally, I don’t know how they could afford it.

MR. WENTWORTH : What does Mr. Holbrook do?

PENNY : I think he’s a manager in a car firm.

MR. WENTWORTH : Well, maybe he can afford it. They would have to extend their mortgage facility though. Their current property isn’t worth that much.

PENNY : No, Mr. Wentworth, they stand no chance. But you, Mr. Wentworth, it’s got you stamped all over it. Real class, that’s you, Mr. Wentworth. Some people are Rolls Royce, others well, more Robin Reliant.

MR. WENTWORTH : But I don’t have a Rolls Royce, Penny.

PENNY : No, but you could have, you could have ‘The Meadows’.

MR. WENTWORTH : Look, Penny, we have a business to run and if we can sell a house like ‘The Meadows’ we’ll do a lot better than if I get into debt for it myself.

PENNY : Yes, Mr. Wentworth. (said disappointedly)

MR. WENTWORTH : Now I know you may be disappointed, Penny, but I’ve told you my wife would be hurt by such a drastic change in our lifestyle. I’ve got to keep her happy.

PENNY : And what about me – don’t I matter? What about my happiness?

MR. WENTWORTH : Your happiness is here with me, Penny. It can’t be more than that, not yet anyway.

PENNY : Can I have a rise?

MR. WENTWORTH : Yes, I’m giving you 50% more next week.

PENNY : Oh, Mr. Wentworth, you are such a lover boy to your loving babykins. Do you want me to undress?

MR. WENTWORTH : Later, Penny. Do a bit of typing for me first, then it’ll be quieter. Is Colin out there?

PENNY : Yes.

MR. WENTWORTH : Send him in. He’s interested in 10, Cavendish Mews, that bijou property that’s just come up.

(Penny leaves the office. Colin knocks at the door)

Come in.

(Colin enters the office)

Sit down, Colin. I understand you want to buy, 10, Cavendish Mews. Is that right?

COLIN : Yes, my mother and I have set our hearts on it. The thing is, to afford it, I was going to ask for a rise.

MR. WENTWORTH : A rise, Colin? I’m afraid not, that is out of the question. Nobody in the office is going to get a rise probably for many months to come.

COLIN : Well, I don’t want to be mortgaged to me hilt.

MR. WENTWORTH : You can afford it, Colin. Make a few savings on little everyday expenses and you’ll find you can manage the repayments.

COLIN : You think so, Mr. Wentworth?

MR. WENTWORTH : Sure as eggs are eggs, Colin.

COLIN : When I look into the chandelier in the lounge I can see my mother’s face if she’s standing the other side of the room. It’s truly enchanting, Mr. Wentworth. And then there’s the fishpond, I’ve always wanted a goldfish pond. Me mother can’t wait to grow Caltha Palustris Plena on a shallow margin.

MR. WENTWORTH : Yes, Colin, I’m sure you will be very happy in Cavendish Mews. Apply for a mortgage and see what happens.

COLIN : Yes I will. Thank you, Mr. Wentworth. I don’t suppose you could lower the price just a little. My mother’s only got her pension now, Mr. Wentworth, she can’t help with the repayments.

MR. WENTWORTH : I’m sorry, Colin, the price is fixed. It can’t be altered for anyone, not even you. Is that all?

COLIN : I suppose so, yes, if I can’t have a rise.

MR. WENTWORTH : Sorry, Colin, see you later.

(Colin leaves Mr. Wentworth’s office. Penny returns to it)

Are Sam and Jeff out there, Penny?

PENNY : Yes.

MR. WENTWORTH : Send them in.

(Penny leaves the office. Sam and Jeff enter)

MR. WENTWORTH : Sit down, chaps. Now you know about this grant you asked for, for your tenanted properties, although I’m the landlord I am afraid I can’t approve it. You must pay for your own repairs. After all you are repair men. You should be able to do repairs at very little cost.

SAM : My wife is expecting again, Mr. Wentworth, and the bedroom ceiling lets in the rain. The bed is damp some nights.

MR. WENTWORTH : Get up on the roof, Sam, I’m sure you are capable. You can use your ladders but you’ll have to pay for new roof tiles. And you, Jeff, if you need anything for your house I’m afraid you’ll have to do it yourself.

JEFF : I don’t really understand plumbing, Mr. Wentworth. We’ve got leaking radiators and pipes all over the house. I’m an electrician.

MR. WENTWORTH : Can you help him, Sam? Look I’m sure you two working together could build a ship like the Titanic. You can do anything. Don’t let anything stop you.

JEFF : Not even money?

MR. WENTWORTH : No, certainly not money. Use your ingenuity, you have bags of it, both of you. Just use a bit of common sense, a bit of nous. I only wish, chaps, I could give you a rise, but nobody is eligible for that, not even me, who controls the wages. This is a very tight ship.

JEFF : A Titanic, Mr. Wentworth.

MR. WENTWORTH : Not exactly, that sank.

JEFF : Yes it did, didn’t it? Well why were Sam and me likened to............

MR. WENTWORTH : Run along now, chaps, and remember be like those trusty dwarves and whistle while you work.

(Sam and Jeff leave the office, Penny goes back inside)

(The scene is outside Mr. Wentworth’s office in the front office of the estate agents)

SAM : Whistle while we bloody work. He’s a nutter. Who’s he supposed to be, Snow White?

JEFF : No, I think that description goes to Penny. At least that’s what we’re supposed to think though she’s no Snow White. I think she’s after him.

SAM : Oh here comes trouble. Mr. And Mrs. Holbrook are here.

JEFF : Hello there, Mr. Holbrook, Mrs. Holbrook. How are you feeling today? Better I hope.

MRS. HOLBROOK : No better for seeing you two.

JEFF : Sorry.

MRS. HOLBROOK : You may have been trying to help yesterday but I think you manhandled my husband.

SAM : I don’t think so, Mrs. Holbrook; his injuries were caused in the fall.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Then why are there marks on his body, marks of handprints like spades?

SAM : We were only trying to help.

JEFF : Yes, be fair, Mrs. Holbrook.

MR. HOLBROOK : It’s alright, boys, Mrs. Holbrook is just a bit upset.

MRS. HOLBROOK : Don’t apologize, Wallis, the whole situation is still very unsatisfactory.

MR. HOLBROOK : Look I thought we’d decided to drop the antagonism, you know it won’t help, Briony.

MRS HOLBROOK : No, we are the losers again. Where is Colin?

SAM : I think he has popped out for his milkshake

MRS. HOLBROOK : Does he usually do that. How old is he, for chrissakes?

(Colin breezes in, Sam and Jeff leave)

Concluded in Up for Sale : Conclusion.