Anger Management

I quit my job yesterday. After almost five years, which to some might not seem like a long time, I decided I had enough. It's not even that I wanted to leave; I sincerely loved my job and the people I worked with, but harassment can only be taken so much. 

I had an assistant store manager. She was from Sweden, and had lived in the United States since she was around 25. She's 51 now. She also owns a farm house with a horse, and has two kids whom are out of school currently. She loves her kids with all of her heart, and supports them no matter what. Karl her son, is basically a 'hippie' so to speak. Doesn't shower, likes being homeless, and kind of rolls with the wind. A very laid back character. His sister Sarah is quite similar in that regard, however she is much more adventerous than Karl. She constantly travels back and forth across the states, and occasionally runs a bakery from a van. 

So far my manager sounds like a good person right? I agree. I feel that if I had not worked with her, I probably would have liked her very much. 

Unfortunately inside the store comes a very different manager. Angry and controlling,victimizing and blaming-- if it's not her way it is in fact the highway. When I first started working for the company, I remember being terrified of her. She was constantly screaming at everyone and anyone and I had no desire to be on that badside. Eventually I rose the ranks and became management, to her fierce dislike. 

You see, I'm not what one would exactly call normal. Sometimes I'm called punk, or goth, or emo or scene, or whatever other kind of label. Now everyone at the store had no problem with the way I dressed. I was kind, I was polite, and I was caring, so most people just thought it was one of my 'cute' flairs. My store manager in fact hired me because i was 'cute', and I kid you not, those were her exact words. However, my assistant store manager felt otherwise. She was furious that I refused to conform to social norms. It didn't matter how hard I worked, or how nice I was, or even how great my numbers were; as long as I  refused to dress like a normal person I would go nowhere in my career-- as she constantly reminded me. 

Thankfully my store manager loved me, and often times she kept my ASM at bay. Unfortunately through my first six months of management, I left work crying everyday because she told me I was bad at my job. She was not kind about it. The other manager in my position however, taught me how to stand up for myself without being mean. I appreciate her immensely for this. Because of her I found the strength to stand up for myself, and for a while my ASM left me alone and let me do my job. We got along tentativelt for about a year.

Then recently my store manager manager had to go on medical leave to get her knee replaced. She was a dwarf, barely four feet tall, and so she had many knee, hip and back problems. At first it was projected that she was only going to be gone for maybe a month. Then it was two months. Then three. It all became suddenly very vague when in fact she would be coming back. And guess who was standing in for her? The ASM. 

With no checks in place, and no one to hold her back, work became a living hell. I dreaded waking up every morning. I would be driving to work, praying for a car accident so I wouldn't have to go in. She started to work sixty to seventy hour weeks, so there weren't even days I didn't have to work with her. And the harrassment was twenty four seven. 

Every passing, every moment of eye contact, if I were even within five feet of her I was suddenly getting an earful of how I was doing my job wrong and how i was wasting company time, and why wasn't I moving with more gusto. I started to skip breaks to try to work faster and harder. I stayed late off the clock. I tried so hard to reach the impossible goals she was setting for me, my only thought being, "it's only until the store manager comes back".  

And then I had a medical scare. I had to go to the emergency room for symptoms of a heart attack, and then it turned out I had a very bad lung infection and that I had developed asthma. I had to call out of four days of work so that I could get the care that I needed. When I came back, my ASM had decided to give me the silent treatment. For four days this continued.

Now at this point it had been revealed that my store manager was coming back this upcoming sunday. We were all ecstatic. I wasn't the only one suffering from the ASM's wrath, all of the employees were. 

I had gone in at six in the morning, the ASM coming in shortly after, abusing the hours that were meant for associates. She didn't speak to me for the first two hours, and then, at one point, we passed eachother so closely I felt I had to say something. 

"How're you doing?" I asked politely as I was putting product away.

"You know you are against dresscode right?" She said giving me a lookover. 

I was moderately shocked. I felt that nothing I was wearing that day even remotely acted against the dresscode. One of the items I had even recieved from her/my store manager the year before for christmas. 

"You're skirt is too short, you should know better."

"This is unnacceptable, do you really think the District Manager would be okay with what you're wearing?"

And it just continued. I stood there agape, and finally I interrupted her. I just snapped. And usually I don't get angry. I just nod and agree or whatever the need called for. But this time, I don't know if the stress finally got to me, or maybe I was just tired of fighting the dresscode war with her, because nothing I wore ever actually was faulted against the dress code. But I snapped. 

"I quit." 

I handed her my keys and I left.

And then I cried. 

I was standing out in the cold, and I had to call my friend to come pick me up. One of my employees came out and I told her what happened, and I ended up crying more. 

I messaged all the employees to tell them that I had left-- I was rather close to all of them -- and it was a rough few hours having to explain why. When I finally got home, I emailed my store manager to tell her what happened. I had no idea what the ASM was going to tell her, but I really didn't want to leave on such bad terms. 

And then today, I found out that yesterday immediately after I left, the ASM terminated me from the system as a 'no re-hire'. Talk about quick to get rid of me. I was quickly obliterated out of every system. 

And then I found out, that another store had requested me to transfer over a week before. My ASM hadn't told me. I had no idea. And it made me rather angry. It was a promotion. A promotion I had been fighting for over a year for. A promotion my store manager told me I was ready for. And my ASM didn't tell me. 

Needless to say, I am rather bitter. I'm glad to not have to see her face anymore; to never hear her stabbing words, but at the same time I feel cheated. 

I've also been told that I should bring this case up to HR. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Honestly I really am unsure as to what I should do. This was my first ever job, I've had it since I was sixteen. I wanted really badly to move up and work for this company I revered so highly. But then, do i deserve a change of pace. I just feel that all that energy, all that knowledge, is just gone to waste. I hate myself, and I hate her for what she's done to me, and I don't know if I'm right in that hatred.

For those of you who have worked retail, I am sure you have dealt with a bad manager at one time ore another. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? 

One of my past employees messaged me and told me not to worry about it. That this was a good thing, and that I was destined for better. That I'll find what I truly love, there's just no signs on the road yet. I just got to keep traveling. 

Well,

We'll see I suppose.

Thank you for listening to my rant. I'm not a physically violent person, and I'm rather mild mannered when it comes to voicing my ills. This was the only way it seemed for me to vent my frustrations and my overwhelming anger, as well as my regrets that I couldn't handle myself in that particular situation. I don't usually let my emotions overwhelm me, and its just left a sick pit at the bottom of my stomach. 

Your's Truly,

The Author of Anger Management,

Asta Silvia