K.C (Chapter one). (Need feed back)
By BearKawasaki
- 1198 reads
Kerrem awoke to his alarm he set on his phone from the previous night. Damn it was hot he thought. He grabbed his phone and checked for the weather. At four in the morning it was Eighty one but it felt like eighty nine degrees because of the humidity. He hated the summer especially in Brokden. The air was thick like a sauna and it got hotter the more air he breathed in. The house he lived in was hotter than most. Even with the cheap air conditioner unit he bought wasn't doing anything to keep him cool.
He sat on the side of his bed grabbed his gallon of water, and chugged the little that remained still dying of thirst. He got up and walked to the fridge looking for another cold refreshing gallon to start his day. He grabbed the gallon and a water bottle. He dug into the medicine cabinet searching for the cancer killing pills that he picked up a few hours ago. He forgot where he put it. Kerrem was always forgetting where he put things. He walked back and forth looking around trying to retrace his steps, whispering to himself until he walked past the bathroom. He walks in and looks behind the mirror and found them. He grabs the pills and walks back to his bedroom just in time to see his wife turning over looking at him stand in the door frame. She breathed in deeply tapping his side of the bed signaling him to come back in. He weakly smiles at her as he steps towards the bed. He sat down as she climbs on to his back and kisses the scar on his top right shoulder. He rattles the bottle of pills and drops two in his hands. He grabs her hand and places the pills in it, handing her the bottle of water. She sighs and swallows the pills and gulps down the water. Kerrem lays on his back looking at his ceiling fan spinning around gracefully. She softly coughs and lays her head against his chest humming a mellow tune as he closes his eyes. He sheds a tear mumbling the words “It’s not fair.”
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Comments
'the alarm he spills'his
'the alarm he sets from his phone from the previous night' is unnecessary. We know alarms have to be set, it's taken for granted. Stories that start with an alarm need to be original to avoid cliche.
Damn it was hot - show dont tell. How is the heat experienced?
The wife just appears.Needs intro and setting in the scene properly.
If the character has cancer, your description needs to do the work to inform readers. 'cancer killing pills' isnt enough or a medical possibility. Chemotherapy and radiation are conducted under close supervision.This feels too implausible.
The 'its not fair' doesnt ring true.We know cancer is hateful and unjust but why make your character say that as her first and only words?
Your opening needs some work to make it authentic and plausible. Hope requested feedback helps.
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Some very valid feedback
Some very valid feedback above - I'll just add that your tense changes after 'he walked past the bathroom' to the present. You'll need to change it all to one or the other. Hope that helps!
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I was intrigued by the
I was intrigued by the 'cancer killing pills'. I took this to mean either that the story is set in the future or some alternative present where these things are possible, or that Kerrem is both naive and desperate, does not have access to proper medical attention, and has been conned into buying the pills. Agree with the feedback above that you need to sort out the tenses and give the whole thing a rigorous proof reading (eg the line beginning 'Even with the cheap air conditioner...' makes no sense as it stands, you need to lose the 'with.'). The reader is likely to be irritated by such mistakes and less inclined to enter the world you are creating.
There is a lot of potential here for drama - two characters facing a desperate situation - and I hope you will develop the ideas and let us see how they are progressing.
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