But Honestly

Last night I went to the cinema to see a film with my best friend. We saw How To Be Single and both joked about how we didnt need any lessons in that particular area , having both been single for a little while.

But this film has set my head whirring. Maybe I do need life lessons. Not in how to be single but how to just be me. Because I havent been myself for so long and now I don't know where to start.

Let me explain. I am THAT girl who always has a smile on her face, always speaks to you , will do anything to make someone smile, wouldnt intentionally hurt anyone .... if theres a quote for a positive confident woman who's got her shit together then I am the epitome of that quote ... on the outside at least. I know, I share enough of them to convince myself that that's who I am . When, in fact, I sometimes feel I havent a clue what Im doing or where I'm going with my life. I am simply winging it.

My children - the one area of life I am actually very proud of. They are fantastic, well mannered, bright, funny, quirky, educated children. They have an expanse of good friends, they dont turn up on a Friday evening pissed in a carpark having shared a 3 litre bottle of cider between 15 of them , and they know where they might want their life to head up. They're 11 and 15 and they have more maturity then I ever have.

My job - I must be the only person in the world who looks forward to going to a 30 hour a week minimum wage job to stock shelves and occasionally take your money. But I love it  I work with great people - some of them will be lifelong friends, some are practically my family, - I've made good mates just from chatting to the customers, and , although its never going to make me rich or famous, 99.9% of the time I'm happy there ! How many of you can say that ?!

My friends - I know a lot of people. Theres about 12 people on my facebook friends list that I've never met outside social media - out of 677. So yeah, i know a lot of people. I have small close knit groups of friends - the work lot, the mums lot, the town lot , the " I'll invite you out because you know how to have a good time and wont go home before the club shuts " friends  ... we ALL have groups of friends like this. I have 4 people in the world I can tell anything to - two females, two males - without fear of being judged . These people are my rocks - they've been there when I've sunk 3 bottles of wine and ranted about how shit my life is, they've been there when I've had my heart broken, they've been there when I have detested how I look from the fact that my ears stick out to the fact my arse rivals Nicki Minaj's and they've been there when I need them to be , just to laugh with me, never AT me ( oh god that got my tears going !! Eye leakage !!)

So I ask myself , daily, if all this is so great ( and I mean that, no sarcasm intended ) then why oh why am I still on my own, still searching for THE ONE  ... Am I just too choosy ( possibly), too desperate ( I fuckin hope not) or just too used to being single ( da da daaa , give the girl an award for the most obvious status ever ) ! I fall in love too easy and I HOPE too much.

My romantic life is not interesting. Ive had 2 serious relationships , one lasting 8 years, the other lasting 2 ( maybe 3-4 if you count the bungee cord that glued us together for so long ). The rest of the time has been littered with one nighters, one monthers, six monthers and an abundance of online dating which could only be described as perverse or frightening ( dick pic anyone ? I used to have a gallery full on my phone, Tony Hart would turn in his grave at the lighting, mood and full on pictures of male anatomy that has graced my messenger over the years ...) 

Blind dates, Ive had a few of them - obviously the most memorable when I was catfished by someone who claimed to be 35, a designer and was willing to travel 50 miles to see me... sounded like a winner until he sat opposite me in the local Wetherspoons - he was actually closer to 55, wore a horrible brown RIPPED cardigan and told me " he was willing to chat to me even if I was a little bit fat ..."

Boom! Confidence well and truly rocked. I've told this story a few times and everyone asks me why I let a stranger make me feel like complete shit when he was obviously in the wrong. I dont have answers for that - lack of confidence on my part, at the time the desperation to be loved and  wanted by someone ... So I dieted. I joined a gym. I gave up alcohol. I even started taking weight loss pills off the internet so I could feel accepted and needed

But I digress, this essay was meant to be about where I am now and the truth is, I had no idea til yesterday. I lost 4 stone, the weight stayed off but still I've been without a partner, all Ive done since losing weight is attract more idiots who are just interested in whats under my clothes, not the brain that made me choose them. And,  if anything, it dawned on me last night when I watched Dakota Johnson climb to the top of the Grand Canyon , all on her own, that I dont NEED someone to make my life complete anymore. My life is complete  . I have fantastic friends , amazing kids , a good job, and I do love my life.

I can stay in bed til noon reading trashy chick lit novels and eating chinese food. If I want to take a roadtrip to who knows where at midnight then Im going to do it.  If I want to down a bottle of JD naked singing Adele songs to my cat on a Saturday evening, fuck it,  thats what Im going to do , ITS MY LIFE !!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO this is it. The end. My official retirement from the dating scene. I have spent far too long searching for Mr Right, when Mrs Right Now has been neglected. She needs my TLC more than ever, she needs ME. I've spent too much time changing myself to fit in, to attract, to BE attractive when I realise now there is nothing wrong with me. Im not perfect but I am real and thats the best start for anything....  Its only now my confidence is returning that  I can see  I am exactly where I want and need to be, and things will only get better through the choices I make rather than the guy who walks into my life and EXPECTs me to change.

Onwards and most definitely upwards.

For my 4 " rocks" , thank you for never giving up on me even when I've given up on myself

" And tonight I thank the stars

As I count my lucky scars

For everything you've given me ..... "