Hostile Glorious

Breathless read. I must admit I lost my way around the centre but that just means I can go back and read again!

Density in poetry is often a good thing but perhaps this might be erring into the fractured?  I think it reminds me of Dylan's Subterranean Homesick Blues - no greater compliment.

Hi. I saw on the forums that you were looking for critiques, so I thought I would make a few suggestions for you. I'm not exactly an editor, so I can't speak for the validity of my ideas, but I hope they help.

So it's obvious you have made a stylistic decision to write in a stream-of-consciousness. That's great. Trying to emulate Dylan, Ginsberg or Eliot is always good. Those guys rule. But there are 2 things that I think can help make your poem better. Firstly, repetiton of images, words and phrases. Secondly, poetic devices.

So, the repetition. So you do have some repeated images. You mention the CEO a few times and you use similar phrases, you also talk about headless bodies a few times, which is great. These repeated images and phrases allow the reader to more closly follow the poem because it feels as if there is some continuity there. I notice one of the commentors mentioned being lost in the middle, a partial reason for this could be the lack of connective ideas and poetic images that allow them to follow the poem.

These repeated phrase allow a very loose structure to assist the stream-of-consciousness. Think of it like a chorus or a repeated refrain from a song. If we look at Subterranean Homesick Blues, by Bob Dylan, he uses the chorus to repeate different versions of a similar phrase to give him this continuity and structure in what is otherwise structureless. He keeps saying:

"Look out kid, it's somethin' you did..."
"Look out kid, don't matter what you did..."
"Look out kid, you're gonna get hit..."
"Look out kid, they keep it all hid..."

This doesn't just help us keep time with the song, it also helps us keep time with it as poetry as well. Dylan doesn't just repeat similar phrases, he also repeats a direct quote from someone else. At the end of the first 2 stanzas he has a quote from a different person. This is great because it also allows us as a reader/listener to follow along and feel there is some continuity. But he also repeats ideas of working, leaders and listening to other people. Oh and trouble with the police. This allows Dylan to stick to one or a few broad themes and gives the song/poem a sense of completeness. Something that is slightly lacking in your poem.

Another thing that Dylan, Ginsberg and Eliot do is they use poetic devices to enhance the poem. They use assonance, rhythm, rhyme, dissonance, alliteration, and a multitude of other devices. Before they perfected the stream-of-consciousness poem the Beats perfected writing poems that relied on these seemingly boring, school taught poetic devices. They became amazing at knowing when to use them and when to use them, and they allowed their poems to use these techniques when they thought the poem needed it. And you do this a little bit as well. You have some rhymes and there is a bit of attention to rhythm. You also use the phrase "Evolve then dissolve..." which sounds perfect. But I think if you have a bit of an edit and try to find places where these types of poetic devices fit and where they can enhance the poem it would make the writing flow better and greatly enhance the message.

I hope this helps.

Great advice Belchman. It made me consider a few thigns in my poetry. Thanks for that!

As for this poem, it is really interesting and image-provoking. The ideas are a bit ambiguous, but that's ok, as it will obviously mean different things to you than it does to others, and that's wonderful in its own way. I would, however, consider going back into it and connecting some thoughts better than they are now. Repetition would help, as expressed by Belchman, as would referencing and connecting different parts of this phonetic puzzle.