The coalition problem

Gold cherry

By The Other Terrence Oblong

Wed, 14 Jun 2017
  • 1458 reads
5 comments
 
I was woken early one morning by a hammering on my back door.
 
I quickly dressed and rushed downstairs, to find Alun in an excited mood.
 
“It’s the mainland council Jed,” he said, “They want us to help them form a government."
 
“Are you sure?" I said. It seemed unlikely. “What could the pair of us possibly have to offer the mainland council."
 
“You forget Jed, Happy Island was alloted two seats in the mainland council after errors with the national census.”
 
“But nobody stood for the seats, neither of us voted."
 
“We didn’t need to Jed. There’s a long-forgotten law that states that where the number of parliamentary seats in a constituency is equal to the number of voters, the voters automatically qualify for a seat."
 
“That’s mad."
 
“It dates back to the time when most of the seats were rotten boroughs. Some of the MPs were so lazy they couldn’t be bothered filling in the form to stand as MP."
 
“You mean it’s true. I thought it was a cheap plot device."
 
“I couldn’t make up anything as daft as mainland history, Jed. It’s like the fat man that gave us Habeas Corpus."
 
“Habeas Corpus? You mean the right not to be imprisoned without trial. What’s that got to do with a fat man?"
 
“The law was only passed because one of the tellers in the mainland council counted one fat man as ten votes."
 
“You’re telling me that the only good thing the mainland council has ever done was a freak accident due to corpulence and mathematical incompetence.”
 
“Exactly Jed, I’ve always said that the mainland council were a bunch of nutters.”
 
“And now you want to join the same nutters in government. Didn’t the government manifesto include plans to tax small, powerless islands. We can hardly support that. Why on earth would we want to go into government with that mob?”
 
“They’re abandoning all the policies they were elected on, Jed. Their only policy now is to cling desperately to power. They say they’ll do anything we want just for our votes."
 
“Anything? It just so happens I have a Prosecute Tony Blair for War crimes Bill here, just in case I was ever elected to government. And what will you get out of it?”
 
“They’ve made me health secretary Jed, one of the most important jobs on the council.
 
“And what job are they offering me?”
 
“They’re offering you Master of Rolls.”
 
“Master of the Rolls, but that’s a role in the judiciary, not a government post.”
 
“Not master of THE rolls, master of rolls, you’re the new Minster for Bread Products."
 
“Bread products! You get health and I get bread."
 
“It’s not just bread, Jed, it includes responsibility for crumpets, bagguetes and bagels, you’ll also chair the croissant committee.”
 
“I’m not propping up a despised government just for the ministry of bread."
 
“It comes with a ministerial salary Jed, 121,000 mainland pounds per year, plus expenses."
 
“Expenses! Well, my moat does need a clean, I suppose, and the duck house is in a total state."
 
“You’d better pack Jed, the lunchtime boat leaves at 10.20."
 
“Pack?"
 
“Well, if we’re moving to the mainland to take up office you’ll need your spare socks."
 
“Move to the mainland. But I’ve never been to the mainland."
 
“We can’t be ministers in the mainland government if we don’t live there, Jed. How would it be if everyone with any power in the land lived far away in an offshore haven?"
 
“That’s true,” I said. “I hadn’t thought of that. But I won’t leave Happy Island just to be minister, frankly I don’t need the bread."
 
“Then I’ll stay as well Jed."
 
“I wonder what the government will do without our support. Do you think they’ll resign."
 
“No Jed, there’s bound to be some other ill-suited group of MPs to ask.”
 
“Less suited for government than we are? I’ll believe that when I see it.”
Certificate 15
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Comments

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on

I love the idea of a croissant committee. This makes as much sense as anything that's happened lately, and is quite a lot funnier - well done!

ps - baguette typo

 

Submitted by Ewan on

TOTO, this had me laughing out loud. Laughter in the dark, I know, but none the less welcome for that!

Author Page at the 'Zon
 

Submitted by David Kirtley on

Excellent satire! I just wish it wasn't almost true!

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on

We could all do with some light relief, that's why this is our Facebook and Twitter Pick of the Day. Please share/retweet if you like it too

Picture Credit: http://tinyurl.com/ybpk7zvf

 

Submitted by Ray Schaufeld on

There's one happy island a couple of hours away by ferry from the Liverpool mainland that has its own Parliament building called Tynwald and a democratically elected House of Keys. They have no representation in Westminster and an economy that does well. And it's pretty. Yes, the Isle of Man gets a lot rightsmiley