You Ask Me “How Am I”

      You asked Me “how am I”

 

To share and be spoken

turned

To hear and find heard     

echoed in response” 

in Seeking MM

 

a whole year already

gone .  .  .  .gone 

missed ...mostly gone

the whole year...in time

mine

I’m now to be 70

strange number ...

strange to say

I’m going to be 70...  

70 ...

don’t feel the number 

look a bit the number 

don’t believe 

the number

70...

 

a year not lived

in time

lost forever 

in rhyme

but now

I’m leaving...

I must live...so 

I must leave

sad the leaving...us

 

he only had to try... 

harder...longer...

believing 

the worth in try

 

I would have stayed 

had he only loved me enough...

in the trying

loved enough

to want fixing 

what was come undone

fallen and apart

 

had he only met himself 

in mirrored reflection 

in earnest...once...

found Us 

and done the Us work...

perhaps

finding self 

found half the way

to where I was...

he might have seen 

the us in me

but it was all about he

 

he didn’t look into me...

he didn’t see into me...

only glimpsed 

who I was turned

who I am become...still

 

he never listened for me

into my felt words

only heard the pleas

to see and hear and know 

the me

he didn’t love enough

to reach  into 

the touch enough

to enfold the newest 

cradled me that was

becoming ...is 

he only heard the he

 

he didn’t care 

the distance grown

between us

muffled even

silenced, vapor, veiled spark

once was deep with love...

now...disconnected irreconcilably extinguished...lain bare

its ashen self............there

 

he didn’t love enough 

love of self...or not

in mirrored sight

this false light denied

his alteration done

become automaton ...

lost within 

status quo 

winded within

routined web

diminished stature 

changed to stranger

even to himself

joyous  lived once alive

now stunted 

self propelled spin 

in centrifuge 

divorced vagas nerve

from breath of force

from wind 

from sun 

it’s severed

source

the give

of self to self

to other

he to me...so many to me’s 

he did not love enough to give

        

he closed

locked remains

unexposed

numbed beyond 

neuropathy’s pain

in roaring silent

deafened joust

his mouth 

self sutured shut 

never to sip

sustenance...

taste the nectar gifted there

life’s breath’s

sweetest given of giving

quenching 

of loved love

in lingered echoed response 

within the space of one moment’s moment

free for the live of loving

all denied by he

 

almost dying the try

with cries of loss... of why

I gave breath, youth, air to he, to me, 

and lit lights and brought 

soundings long betrothed 

truth of love, to us

 

all tossed...gone...lost

 

I could not watch

could not look

another life’s time

into seeing....

so...turned away

in shadow

glanced

 

this...

unreachable soul

indefectible  he...

unwilling 

to step another path

 

then 

one moment’s more

a pause

released...

free...

I’m...gone......

in tumbled waves

that

vibrate, resonate, 

sing, delight in 

dances warmth from sun 

or sweated heat of 

lifting cool 

with breeze’s 

chilled bitter freeze

with gifted willing 

to be swept beyond 

adrift by calming pool 

or stormed rift

commence...sense

all unfamiliar felt...anew 

living moment’s complete 

within day’s through......

 

 

MarciaMarcia

October 28, 2017

•