Self Love

Self love

Such a silly girl, you really thought he’d like you? You really thought that someone so beautiful could be attracted to someone so, mediocre? You know they all say be positive, speak kind thoughts to yourself, but when it boils down to it, you’re just not thin enough. You’re not fat, not overweight, just a bit not thin enough, if you were thinner, you might have a chin and then maybe you could approach being considerably attractive. You have all the right features, just they’re being hidden in excess skin. That’s the problem. And it also weakens your self-esteem which makes you also less attractive, chicken and the egg init. Next, your skin. So you don’t trust antibiotics, you can’t be bothered to go on an intense gut cleansing diet, you need your coffee and you can’t give up soy cos you’re too lazy to cook fresh, so you just tell yourself you’re beautiful regardless of your spotty skin and you tell yourself that you are loveable just the way you are with red blemished skin as you pile on the makeup and tell yourself its fine, you must learn to be fine with yourself, with your spotty skin and your features floating in fat. This is self-love, isn’t it?

Rejection

And you tell yourself, it couldn’t hurt to go see him. Sure mums probably right, he’s probably just bored and has nothing better to do so he’s chosen just to see you as a time filler, but then your friends tell you he could’ve met his other friends earlier instead, why see you? And he didn’t just want his plays back and he didn’t just want to network, he wanted to talk, to look at you, didn’t he? Or did you make it up? And you have nothing to talk about, so you just make it up. And then he says you remind him of Jo Swinson, how? Well you know, a bit ditzy and motherly? What a compliment. But you still tell yourself, maybe you’ve got a chance. Self-delusion, always better than the realisation of rejection. But it’s inevitable, you’re just buying time. And when it hits you, it hits you like a pile of bricks. Shit. But I must love myself? How am I meant to love anyone if I don’t love myself? How is anyone meant to love me If I don’t love myself? How am I meant to love myself if no one loves me? No, I think I’ve mixed it up.

Friends

And your friends tell you you’re beautiful. They have to, they’re your friends after all. But what if they WERE telling you the truth? Wouldn’t that be wonderful? If they actually thought that. that you were, BEAUTIFUL. But no, of course, it’s not the case. You’re not ugly, but you’re not really the level of the guys you like. You’re not really shooting for the ones in your league. Either too good looking or too gross. Where are the mediocre ones like myself? Well, I don’t like them. I bet their friends tell them they’re fit too. Liars.