An Ill Wind

Josiah Oakshott was not entirely surprised when his door burst open on this Monday morning.  He had confidently predicted to himself that his first visitor of the week would be a troubled Archibald Thurble and he took some pleasure in being right.

“Morning, Mr. O.” Archibald’s hat was whirring around in his hands, a sure sign of pent-up concern.

“Good morning, Archibald.  To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“You what?”  Archibald looked puzzled.

“I meant, why have you come to see me?”  Josiah explained with a patience born of long practice.

“Oh, right, well, it’s just me mam is worried about this crone virus”

Josiah went to correct his employee and then considered his cousin, Ophelia (Archibald’s mother) and decided that the description wasn’t too far from the truth.

“Well, she certainly is justified in being concerned, as should we all be”

“Yeah but, she says we’re all going to die!” Archibald whimpered.

“Well, Archibald, as we have discussed on many occasions, we ARE all going to die, but not just yet, hopefully” Josiah smiled kindly at his troubled companion.

“You don’t think so?”  Archibald asked, hopefully.

“In all honesty, we can expect a higher than normal fatality rate during the course of this infection.  It is, as I understand it, likely to be a particular problem for the elderly and those with underlying health conditions”

“Really?”  Archibald considered this for a moment, then, “what do you have to be lying under then to get it?”

“No, Archibald, underlying in this instance means ‘pre-existing’” Josiah could see that he was hammering his head against a brick wall, so tried again “something you already have, like bronchitis for example”

“I thought that was a dinosaur!”

“I think you may be confusing the condition with the brontosaurus, a sauropod”

“Right.”  Archibald considered the matter for a moment, “I thought it was odd when my Nan said she’d got it.  I went all round the house but I couldn’t see anything.  I mean, you’d notice its…doings at least, wouldn’t you, even if it was hiding behind the furniture?”

Josiah had the odd sense of being slowly merged with a surrealist painting but decided to have another go at getting the conversation back on track.

“Leaving the possibility of your Nan keeping a dinosaur as a pet to one side, Archibald, your grandmother’s health condition does rather indicate that her best option would be to self-isolate”

“Do what?”

“By that, I mean that she should avoid all contact with other people for the duration of this pandemic” In Josiah’s opinion, the world would be a better place if Archibald’s Nan avoided all contact, forever, but decided not to voice this thought.

“Ah, now I know that, it’s a sort of lorry isn’t it!”  Archibald looked pleased with himself.

“Much as I hate to correct you once more, Archibald, I regret that you are, in fact, thinking of a pantechnicon.  It was a form of furniture removal van, I believe.  A pandemic is simply a disease which has become a worldwide epidemic, such as this coronavirus.  Which, to forestall any further misunderstanding, has nothing to do with the carbonated soft drink, popular in years gone by”

“Oh, right.  It’s just that me Nan says she’s not going to be banged-up like some common criminal”

“Well, I think that she might need to think again.  It’s really for her own good.  If she contracted the virus, she might be at severe risk of complications which could be fatal.  By avoiding contact with others for a period, she would be buying time for the infection to peak and, hopefully, not become a further burden on our over-stretched health service.”

“Well, I’ll tell her, but…”  Archibald trailed off, hopelessly.  “Me mam says a lot of businesses will go bust an’ all, will we still have jobs Mr. O.?”

“On that point, I can offer some reassurance, Archibald.  As I have said to you before, our profession has the advantage of being somewhat counter-cyclical” Archibald’s already furrowed brow became more lined than ever.  “By which, I mean that our business has a tendency to thrive when others are in difficulty.  In this particular instance, I am anticipating an increase in demand for our services and I am, consequently, in talks with our suppliers to obtain increased stocks of caskets and so on to meet the expected demand.”

“Oh, you mean stockpiling!  I know all about that.  Our front room is full of bog rolls and pasta”

“No, that isn’t what I mean, Archibald!” Josiah snapped, and then, because he couldn’t resist, “Anyway, why do you have a room full of toilet rolls and pasta?”

“Dunno, really.  Everyone else was buying them like nobody’s business so me mam said we should get some before it ran out.  None of us even like pasta!  Mind you, it’s helped with that isolation thingy you were talking about ‘cause you can hardly see me Nan for all the b…toilet rolls and stuff.  We know she’s in there ‘cause we keep leaving food out and it’s gone the next morning”

Archibald stared at his employee for a while.

“Leaving the situation in your front room to one side, for a moment, and to return to your original point, your job is safe because our business will, if anything, be working extra hours to cope with the additional demand over the next few months”

“Oh, smashing!  Overtime?”

“There will, in all likelihood, be additional payments for hours worked, Archibald.  I hope that has reassured you, somewhat?”

“Yeah, thanks Mr. O.  Funny how things turn out, innit?”

“Indeed, it is, Archibald.  The phrase ‘an ill wind’ comes to mind”

“Oh, it’s the wind what’s causing it, is it?  I guess that explains the bog rolls…and the pasta, perhaps?”

“Don’t let me detain you, Archibald”  Josiah returned to the papers on his desk and sighed a silent sigh of relief as he heard the door close behind his employee.