Measure for Measure?

 

Josiah Oakshott, owner and manager of Oakshott and Underwood, undertakers of discretion and distinction, was not at all surprised to hear the knock on his office door.  By the same token, the mostly vacant but slightly hopeful expression on Archibald Thurble’s face, as it poked around the half-open door, was only to be expected.

“Ah, Archibald!  How entirely unsurprising to see you”

“You what, Mr. O.?”  Archibald, and his bemused expression, entered the room.

“I was rather anticipating having the pleasure of your company, Archibald.  I felt that it was inevitable, given the recent departure of your fiancée from my office”

“Oh no, it’s nothing like that Mr. O.”  Archibald shook his head, vigorously, and blushed a little at the obvious lie, “I was just wondering if you’d seen my tape measure?”

“Your tape measure?  Why, on earth, should I have knowledge of the whereabouts of your tape measure?”

“Well, I just wondered” Archibald mumbled and shuffled his feet in embarrassment, “only I’m stuck without it”

“Archibald, there must be countless measures about the place, surely you could use one of those?”

“Nah, I don’t trust them” Archibald pronounced, darkly.

“You don’t trust them?” Josiah spluttered, “what do you mean, you don’t trust them?”

“Well, you know where you are with your own, don’t you?  Them others, well, there’s no telling is there?”  Archibald observed, gloomily.

“Archibald, a measure, ruler or whatever, adhere to a standard system.  Whether it be metric, imperial or, indeed, both, they all measure the same thing in the exact same way.  Therefore, one measure is entirely the same as another.  All measures are interchangeable!”

“Well, you say that but, like my Nan always says, the band played ‘Believe Me If You Like’”

“I have no earthly idea what that is supposed to mean?”

“Well, no, nor me to be honest.  Any road, I can’t find my tape measure” Archibald replied, grumpily.

“You could draw a new one from our stores.  Would that help?”

“Well, if no-one else’s used it, I suppose that would be all right” Archibald conceded.

“Is it your contention that the act of using a tape measure in some way corrupts its accuracy?”

“You what?”

“Do you think that a second-hand tape measure doesn’t work as well as it should?”  Josiah’s raised voice was a clear sign that he was losing his patience.

“Well, yeah.  I mean, it goes without saying, dunnit?  Nothing’s the same once someone else has had their hands on it”

“Give me strength!” Josiah pleaded quietly, “and you stand by your assertion that your presence in my office is in no way linked to the recent departure of your fiancée?”

“No, nothing at all” Archibald drew himself up to his full height in an effort to lend veracity to his words.  “I didn’t even know she was here”

“Archibald, that is manifestly false.  You were hovering around the office door for the entire duration of my meeting with her and made a beeline for her the moment she left my office”

“Erm, well, I was outside your door because I was, erm… looking for my tape measure!”  Archibald was quite pleased with this sudden inspiration.

“Really?” Josiah’s voice dripped with sarcasm, “outside my office door?  Are you in the habit of leaving your work tools outside my office door, Archibald?”

“No, but, well…you never know, do you?”  Archibald seemed to have taken a sudden and abiding interest in the office floor.

“In that case, I’m sure you would have no interest at all in how my meeting went?”

“Oh, well, if you felt like telling me” Archibald offered, generously.

“Very kind of you, Archibald” Josiah smirked, “well, it would clearly be unprofessional and indiscreet of me to reveal the full content of our meeting.  However, I can say that I was most impressed with Ms. Ryder and found her to be an intelligent and ambitious person with a charming personality.  She clearly had a good understanding of the nature of our work and she was entirely unperturbed when our short tour of the premises, visited the Mortuary.  I’m sure she will give you a more detailed account of our discussion but I can say that, on the whole, I was most impressed”

“Oh brilliant!  So, when does she start?”

“Now, Archibald, we have discussed this before.  I have made it clear to you, and to Ms. Ryder, that there is no vacancy at the present time.”

“But, Old Jim…!”

“I am fully aware of Jim and his alleged impending retirement but I am also acutely aware that he has not yet, officially, indicated his intention to leave the Company and, until such time as he does so, there is no vacancy to fill.  I feel I should also repeat to you what I told Ms. Ryder, inasmuch as there may not be a vacancy, even if Jim should decide to retire”

“Eh?  How come?”  Archibald frowned, deeply.

“Many years ago, before my father, Jereboam Oakshott, went to his eternal rest.  I undertook a management course, as I wished to equip myself for the onerous task of, one day, running Oakshott and Underwood.  Part of that course was a module on Human Resources or, rather, Personnel Management as it was in those far-off days…”

“I’ve heard of that!”  Archibald confirmed, “isn’t it to do with sacking people?”

“That is part of the remit, certainly Archibald, but it is by no means its entirety.  Much of that course is lost to me, now, but one aspect of that particular module has stuck with me.  The lecturer suggested that it was a frequent failure of management that, when someone left an organisation, they would automatically seek an immediate replacement”

“Well, yeah, you would, wouldn’t you?”  Archibald nodded.

“Well, his contention was that you should, instead, determine whether the vacancy actually continues to exist”

“Of course it does!” Archibald spluttered, “’cause that person’s been and gone, hasn’t he!”

“You might think so, Archibald, but the fact is that times change.  The situation that existed at the time, for example, of Jim’s original recruitment may well have been markedly different from that which pertains today.  This, in turn, begs the question whether we actually need another Jim, as it were?”

“Well, no, you don’t.” Archibald grinned, “you need an Electra!”

“Possibly” Josiah conceded, “but the point the lecturer was trying to make was that, whenever a role becomes vacant, an efficient manager should carry out a job or role analysis which would determine whether that job or role needs to be carried out in the same way, or in a different way, or, possibly, not at all!  If we take Jim’s role, for example, it is certainly the case that he does not, any longer, carry out all of the tasks that he would have when he was a younger man, would you agree?”

“Well, yeah, you can’t expect him to be humping heavy stuff around at his age and given his health, can you?”

“Quite, so what has happened to those tasks that he can no longer carry out?”

“Well, we all do a bit between us, I suppose” Archibald mused.

“Precisely.  Therefore, it would be not a huge leap of faith to share the remaining duties that Jim now undertakes between the rest of the team, would it?”

“Oh, I’m not sure the lads would be too happy about that” Archibald frowned.

“Nor am I saying that that is what will happen.  I’m merely speculating on the range of options that might be available, should Jim choose to retire.  Clearly, not replacing Jim would markedly reduce our payroll costs.  On the other hand, the expenditure currently used to employ Jim could be utilised to finance an entirely different role of some form or other”

“Like what?”

“I don’t honestly know!  But it does highlight the need for careful analysis of the role, as and when that opportunity arises.  I must own to finding the prospect quite enervating!”  Josiah beamed.

“So, you’re saying that Electra’s not going to get the job?”  Archibald sulked.

“I am not saying anything of the sort!”  Josiah retorted, “What I am saying is that there may not be a job to offer to her, or to anyone else for that matter, and it would be remiss of me to give the impression that there was.  I simply cannot say, until such time as Jim retires (if he ever does) and a proper analysis of his role has been carried out.  Your Ms. Ryder seemed to fully appreciate the concept when I explained it to her”

“Humph!” Archibald snorted, and Josiah realised he had never actually heard anyone vocalise that expression before.

“Archibald, I entirely understand your disappointment but I did warn you not to expect too much from our meeting.  I also, if you recall, raised some doubts about the advisability of you and your fiancée working together.  However, that is another matter for another day”

“I’ll go an get a new tape measure from Stores” Archibald said, sullenly, as he made his way to the door.

“That would seem to be a sensible course of action” Josiah agreed, “just before you go, Archibald, your fiancée, her given names are Electra Zephyr are they not?”

“Yeah, that’s right.  Named after cars, I think”

“And her sister, with whom you once had an ‘understanding’, she who went to the bright lights of Bilston, I don’t think I ever knew her name?”

“Florence, known as ‘Flo’” Archibald responded.

“Is it the case that their parents have a marked sense of humour, perhaps?”

“Well, their dad’s a bit of a laugh, yeah, why?”

“I was just musing on their surname of Ryder in conjunction with their given names.  Insofar as your fiancée’s forenames of Electra Zephyr could be initialised, in North American terminology, as Eee Zee and her sister as Flo, that would constitute Eee Zee Ryder and Flo Ryder, would it not?”

“Yeah, I suppose that’s right” Archibald agreed, with a frown.

“Does that not strike you as somewhat whimsical?”

“No, can’t say I’d ever thought about it”

“I see.”  Josiah began to busy himself with the papers on his desk, “well, don’t let me detain you further, Archibald.  I would, however, leave you with the wise words of the great P.G. Wodehouse in which he said “there’s some raw work done at the baptismal font””

“If you say so, Mr.O.”

Archibald left his employer’s office and shook his head, sadly.  Sometimes he wondered if Mr. Oakshott was beginning to lose the plot.  He would have to ask Electra when he saw her later.

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"A Dubious Undertaking and other stories"