All's Well That Ends, Well...?

 

Above the many and varied sounds of the Workshop, Archibald Thurble was aware of a persistent, and decidedly odd, noise coming from somewhere.  Except for the heavy silence that cloaked the Chapel of Rest, there were always sounds of one sort or another filling the corridors of Oakshott and Underwood, Funeral Directors of discretion and distinction.  This noise, however, was unusual and hard to pin down. 

Archibald checked his phone -no, nothing there.  He rummaged under his workbench but found nothing untoward.  He was just about to rootle in his rucksack on the unlikely possibility that something had crept in, when he became aware of his employer, Josiah Oakshott, approaching.  There were two things that were distinctly odd about this.  Firstly, Mr. Oakshott had a broad grin on his face, a location known only to harbour a, very occasional, smirk.  Secondly, it was now obvious from where the odd noise emanated.  Josiah Oakshott was humming!

“Ah, Archibald!  Capital!  I’m glad I’ve found you” The effect of a grinning and, obviously in good spirits, Josiah Oakshott in his vicinity, caused Archibald to back into his workbench and cling onto it for dear life.

“’Lo Mr. O.” Archibald gulped, “you seem, erm, chipper today?”

“Do I, Archibald?  Well, yes, I suppose I do!  Wonderful day, isn’t it, eh?”

Archibald looked out of the window to the view of grey clouds forming a leaden ceiling as far as the eye could see.

“If you say so, Mr. O.”

“I’m so pleased to have bumped into you, Archibald.  I have some wonderful news and I think it would be prudent to share this with you in the first instance.  Would you like to accompany me to my office?”

To get an invitation to Josiah Oakshott’s office usually presaged a dressing down of some form or other, but this seemed to be something entirely different.  Archibald followed his humming employer, leaving, in his wake, a series of puzzled and bemused workers.

“Nice tune, Mr. O.” Archibald ventured, as they stepped into the oak-panelled sanctum.

“Pardon?”

“That tune you were humming, very catchy!”  Archibald suggested, diplomatically.

“Oh, was I humming?  Dear me, I had no idea!  I have been listening to some Johann Strauss waltzes lately and they do tend to linger in the memory.  Please, do sit down, Archibald”

Josiah settled behind his antique desk and beamed at his employee.

“You said you’d got some news, Mr. O.?”

“Indeed, I have, Archibald.  I will be making a formal announcement to the workforce as a whole in due course, but I felt, in light of our previous conversations, that it would be only fair to share the news with you, first of all”

“Oh, right” Archibald said, cautiously.

“You remarked that I appeared to be somewhat ‘chipper’ earlier.  I think that is an excellent description of my current condition.”  Josiah continued to beam at his, distinctly uncomfortable, employee.  “You see, Archibald, over the past weeks and months I have been formulating various plans and strategies and today, I am delighted to inform you, culminated in the fruition of those plans and strategies in a most acceptable form.  Firstly, as I’m sure you are all aware, Old Jim came to see me earlier to formally tender notice of his intention to retire from his current position”

“Yeah, he said he was going to.  I think he’d got mixed feelings about it” Archibald observed.

“That is to be expected and I hope that my words and suggestions have gone some way to allay his fears.”

“If Jim’s going, then you’re going to have to do that thing with cobs or buns or summat, aren’t you?”

“Cobs? Buns?” Josiah often thought that conversing with Archibald was as good as any cryptic crossword.  “Oh, you mean rolls!   A role analysis!  Indeed, I have spent some considerable time carefully examining the work that Jim does, and used to do, as well as looking at the tasks carried out by the workforce as a whole”

“Oh, right, and…?”  Archibald was on the edge of his seat with excitement.

“Well, I’m sorry to have to disappoint you, Archibald, but I see no reason to automatically replace Jim with someone else”

“Oh!”  Archibald slumped back into his seat, “so there’s no job for Electra then?”  Archibald’s face bore a striking resemblance to a Cocker Spaniel puppy that had had its favourite toy unexpectedly snatched away.

“Perhaps it would be helpful if I could outline some of the thinking behind my actions.”  Josiah settled back into his seat and studied the ceiling.  “It has been clear for some considerable time that, as the years progressed, Jim was doing less and less in terms of actual physical work.  In fact, it is a tribute to the rest of the workforce, yourself included Archibald, that you have picked up his duties and shared them equitably between you.  That is not, of course, to put Jim in a poor light.  On the contrary, his knowledge of the workings of this organisation and its history has been invaluable, particularly during the peak of the recent pandemic.  It is for this reason that I have suggested to Jim that he should continue to work with Oakshott and Underwood, albeit on a consultancy-type basis, and I have offered him a modest retainer for that purpose.”

“Eh?”  Archibald looked puzzled.

“Put quite simply, what Jim doesn’t know about this firm isn’t worth knowing.  His retirement would mean a huge loss of organisational knowledge, so I’ve asked him to remain associated with the business so that we can tap into that knowledge as and when we need to” Josiah steepled his fingers and looked pleased with himself.

“Oh, right, well he’ll be chuffed about that”

“Yes, he did seem rather bucked by the suggestion.”

“Doesn’t help Electra though, does it?”  Archibald observed, gloomily.  Josiah surveyed his dejected employee and considered, not for the first time, that he was one of the few people who could honestly be said to possess hidden shallows.

“Ah yes, I was coming to that.  You may be aware of the competitor business to our own in the town, Cadwallader and Carruthers?”

“Oh, them!”  Archibald spat out the words.

“Yes, well, although we are, indeed, competitors, it behoves us to remain professional” Josiah reminded Archibald, “and, from time to time, to work in concert as, of course, we had to, on occasion, at the height of the recent unpleasantness, when it was sometimes necessary to pass excess work from one business to the other.  Fortunately, I have always had a good working relationship with Ezekiel Cadwallader.  In fact, we attended the same management course, at the same time.”

“Didn’t know you knew them” Archibald muttered, sullenly.

“Yes, Zeke and I are old friends.  We often talk on the phone and occasionally meet for a drink and a chat.  In fact, it was on one such occasion, recently, that he confided in me that he wished to bring about a greater diversity in his workforce which, as you know, has also been an ambition of mine”

“Huh!”  Archibald contributed, sarcastically.

“As a consequence,” Josiah ignored this interruption, “I suggested to him that he might profit from a conversation with your Ms. Ryder.  To that end, a meeting was arranged for this morning and I am delighted to say that Zeke phoned a little while ago to advise that he has offered your fiancée a junior position with his firm”

“You what?”  Archibald looked stunned, “she never said nowt to me about any meeting!”

“I must take responsibility for that, Archibald, and I do apologise.  I asked Ms. Ryder to keep the matter entirely confidential.  I did not wish to raise false hope with you, if the intervention had come to naught.”

“Well, I’ll go to the foot of our stairs!  That takes the biscuit, that does!”

“I can understand your consternation, Archibald, but I do think this is the best solution.  You may recall that I had considerable misgivings about Ms. Ryder and yourself working together, and my analysis of the distribution of labour clearly indicated that there was no real prospect of gainful employment for her, here”

“Well, I suppose, if you say so” Archibald sulked.

“I think you could be a little more gracious, Archibald.  I have, after all, gone to considerable lengths to ensure that Ms. Ryder could commence her career in our profession, as she had indicated she wished to do.  I rather hoped you would be pleased!”

“Yeah, I suppose.  Sorry, Mr. O.  Thanks”

“Not at all!  I’m confident that Ms. Ryder will make an excellent contribution to Cadwallader and Carruthers”

“But, what about this diversity stuff you were banging on about?  That’s not going to happen here now, is it?”  Archibald pointed out.

“Ah yes, I was just coming to that.  My extensive analysis of the workload of our organisation did reveal that there were a number of areas which were not adequately covered by our current in-house expertise.  For example, that incident that you had with the somewhat belligerent Mr. Blunt [see ‘From a distance…’], clearly indicated, to my mind, that we needed to take a much more holistic approach”

“Holistic?  Isn’t that all that New Age palaver?  Are we going to be offering seances and stuff, then?”

“No, Archibald, although…”  Josiah considered for a moment, before shaking his head, vigorously.  “No, of course not.  By ‘holistic’ I mean that we need to offer services that deal with all of the potential requirements of our clients.  In that respect, I think we need, as minimum, to be able to offer the services of a bereavement counsellor”

“I thought you handled all of that sort of stuff, Mr. O.?”

“Well, yes, I have usually done my best in that regard, Archibald.  However, I am acutely aware that my abilities are somewhat limited and that I lack any formal qualification.  On that basis…”

There was a gentle knock on the office door.

“What wonderful timing!” Josiah exclaimed.

“Is it ok for me to come in?” A dark, female voice, enquired, “Oh, hello Archibald.  How nice to see you!”

“Yes, please do come in.  As I was saying, Archibald, on that basis I was delighted to offer a position to Ms. Samantha Knight [see ‘We Shall Not Pass This Way, Again’].  As you know, Ms. Knight has been performing Celebrant duties for Oakshott and Underwood, on a self-employed basis, for some time now.  Fortuitously, Ms. Knight also has a formal qualification in bereavement counselling and so will be able to add two strings to our bow, as it were.  My intention is to announce this new development to the entire workforce shortly, hence Samantha’s presence.”

“Well, I’ll go to…”

“The foot of your stairs?” Samantha Knight suggested and grinned.  Archibald blushed, deeply. 

This was certainly a turn up for the books!  He was still a bit miffed about Electra, but at least it made it odds-on he’d win his bet with Egbert!

The first book of Josiah and Archibald's stories is available now for just 99p (or FREE on Kindle Unlimited)

"A Dubious Undertaking and other stories"