BEYOND BETRAYAL 4

St Joseph's Roman Catholic Home for Boys was established in 1924 at Sambourne, near Studley, Warwickshire (as photo above) . It acted as a branch home of the Besford Court and later to act as a Catholic Navishet in the training of young initiates into the Jesuit order SCJ Betharram as well as accommodating student overspill from the main Sacred Heart College, Droitwich, Worcestershire. Sold for a song (according to a SCJ Priest) in the late 1970’s as housing development and renamed Sambourne Park. I was the last student remaining and was eventually transferred to the main Sacred Heart College in 1973 after 3 years at St Joseph's (11–13yrs)

The Catholic Boarding school was Sacred Heart College, Droitwich, Worcester, with all the brutality of Lord of the Flies. I was selected, along with six other children, by the Priests, who probably mistook my inner anger/silence, for spirituality. They decided that we would sleep at St Josephs Priest Seminary in Sambourne, a 30mins school minibus ride from the main school Sacred Heart College, now a housing estate, but the heavily mosaiced church remains. Besford Court had been the subject of a TV documentary in the 70’s, describing how problem children from post-war Britain were sent there for education & rehabilitation, there had been reports of severe child abuse from those in charge!. History repeating itself!

There seemed that there was no legislation against violence at home, or in school, where the SCJ Betharram Jesuit priests had their own particular methods of correction, from a right open slap to the side of the head, or the utilization of household implements to be used as instruments of correction, such as being struck bent over, on the bottom with the back of a solid dustpan brush!.  I remember one priest in administering to me six- of- the- best, when on raising his cane on stroke number 4, took-out the fluorescent tube light from the ceiling. It was a welcome distraction, that cut the punishment short!.

So everyday we would travel the 30 minute journey in the maroon Leyland/Commar bus to & from the main school for education from St Josephs Seminary, and return to a somber life of religion/bullying/slave labour(Saturday work with no payment- contrary to the Main School SHC’s practice)/ multiple catholic church rituals(morning,prayers/mass/benediction/vespers) in the Seminary with other children with good old irish names;. Cox, Monaghon, O’Neil, Kelly, Riley, Queenan.

I would remember after school, getting off the minibus at the St Josephs Seminary, and going into an auxillary kitchen to receive tea and toast.  It was savage, with all the big boys scrambling for the toast, as it was brought in on 2 plates, and we the smaller boys left with nothing. Fr Kelly who was in charge of the boys at St Josephs Seminary, never excercised any kind of protection or welfare of the smaller boys. He would move quickly, as on a mission, his legs hidden under the curtain of his black cassock, giving the impression his feet did not touch the ground. Eventually someone, shared to the cook what was happening, we were then able to eat the toast in the safety of the Cooks kitchen, much to the resentment of the big boys!.  I sometimes find it hard to watch wildlife docs, where the brutal savagery of gods natural order unveils itself - too much like boarding school!.

My ‘childhood’ was still costing me, in how I thought & behaved in all my affairs.  I really did not want to write this account, the thought of & having to relive the past, to suffer again, in order to retrace the memories & chronologicalize events & experiences.  I just wanted to live & get on with life’s distractions, & be somehow ‘successful’ in overcoming/escaping the toxic shame that I had ‘invested’ in me.

Today, I can still chose to eat standing up - fight or flight!  It is said that ego breeds separation, add injury -physical/sociologal & psychological, like when the lion of the pride becomes too old to be productive, or when a juvenille is too young to know better!.  I always identified with the injured gazelle of alienation through choice or injury.  I remember going to another boys home during half–term holidays. I remember the warmth & comfort of the bed that I was given, and the kindness of his parents, a stark contrast to my life-experience!.

Silence at school was paramount, grassing or snitching on the bullies was not an option compounded by Mother telling me not to not trust anyone, which I made the mistake of sharing to an older boy, who thought it odd coming from such a small boy, which subsequently attracted further negative attention, in the form of bullying from ‘’the big boys’’ at St Josephs Seminary.

This bullying escalated into what would be a 2 years of sustained bullying & persecution, where I would literally be in fear of my life 24/7. Even inbetween beatings, I lived in the continued fog of fear and trepidation, punctuated only by the sound of old T.Rex! The link below in Dr. Zinser’s book: Soul-Centered Healing explains what happens to and how the psyche protects itself when it is overwhelmed.https://youtu.be/yyKbiR87f4U?t=1497

Nobody in charge picked up on it or asked if I was ok, & I could not reach out for help. After all, I had been trained to stay quiet & suffer, & did not feel that I had a right to be happy & free, until eventually I broke down in tears on the hall landing, & told everything to an old priest Father Dutton, who had found me having some kind of breakdown.  

The bullies had organized themselves into a small battalion who had armbands of rank, with penned coat of arms icon, had recruited another boy from my dormitory named Carrots/Michael Conway, who had red hair, to be the mascot & drummer-boy.  A 16 year old boy called Anthony/Tony Macintosh was the ringleader. The regime would punish anyone caught talking to me, & would conduct raids in which I would hear their metal-segged brogues hammering down the hard floors of the Seminary corridors, upon which I would again be group-beaten. I lived in total adrenalin-fuelled fear for 2 years, in hope that maybe the big boys would leave me alone- never happened!

There was an initiation of induction at St Josephs called The Bush! This was the initial rite of passage whereby the newboy was hunted, caught and carried down to a Laurel bush and thrown in !  One ‘soldier’ of Anthony Macintosh/s battalion who was caught speaking to me. He was given 100 press ups to do as punishment! RP would question the battalion about the reason of what they were doing. He was not a contributor to the battalion’s mission!

Anthony/Tony Macintosh would be eventually expelled following my PTSD breakdown in 1972 for carrying out a raid on the Seminary tuckshop (the Jesuit attachment to property upheld!), and the battalion dissembled.  I was always 1 year behind my peers, resulting in finishing education at 17 (1977), rather than the normal 16 years of age, with no qualifications!. I felt shame, disappointment, & failure.

Sacred Heart College closed 11 July 1991, when the order sold the site for 4 million GBP for housing development.