Please criticize my story. Good or bad?
By Hakan
- 317 reads
Please just write what you think. I need to know what i should do to get better. Good or bad? Please comment.
“Sometimes i don't know if i should kill my self or everyone around me” slow and low tone came in the darkness of the old messy room.He looked so tired and frustrated. Closed eyes and a face of a visibly tortured by life man. His fiend a little person who was sitting on a chair on the right was somewhat frightened and surprised by those words as he didn't know what to say to such words so he just asked:
”What?” As thoughts of “there is nothing I could do if he attacks me ” came to him he was scared he asked again “What?” But there was no answer, only silence as if nothing had been said. The depressed man didn't seem to hear his friend’s simple “what?” It was strange as they were just watching TV, such cruel and dark words out of nowhere.Therefore the man with the dwarfism condition tried to calm him down, with the words “I know how it feels. Look at me. Since I was born I was cursed to be mocked. Even my own kind, the little people mock me.” But the eyes of the tall,skinny and full of resentment man opened as he heard the words of the news anchor on the TV who spoke quite a while but now he said the words that put oil in the fires of the sad man the news anchor said:
”Such losers only leech of working people like me.” The man sitting in the dark room with his frightened friend now had a laser sharp look at the TV as the pain of his life was amplified by the anchor's words. Then he looked like a lost puppy but very soon in his eyes you could see the eyes of a predator filled with anger and resentment.His mother who was handicaped from an accident was in her room she yelled:
“James! Come help me take a bath.” but he didn't reply to her after some time she yelled:
“Come. Help your mother. Stop sitting the whole day in front of the TV. Oh this boy. James, at least you could help me get a bath. You do nothing anyway.”
The look on the eyes of James sent chills down his friend's spine.So he thought that it was a good time to go home. ”See you tomorrow” softly came from his friend as he left. But James stood there for some time staring at the TV but not really watching it, just staring at it with big angry eyes. Maybe this was the drop that spilled the cup.But all of a sudden he started laughing maniacally like a mad man. It took some time for his mother to get to her handicap chair but she did it. She came to his son trying to hold his laugh but that made him laugh even harder as he was gasping for breath from all the uncontrollable laughter. His mother had never seen him laugh at all ever. She smiled and asked him:
“What is so funny, James? Tell me.”
He just said:
“You don't get it do you?”
“Get what?”
After calming down a bit the man said:
“It is just ridiculous.It is too damn ridiculous.”
“What is ridiculous, honey?.”
“Everything, ma. Everything.”
His mother said:
“I know. Now help me.”
The man felt so terrible about everything. He had to go out and take a walk or he would hurt anybody around him but he thought that outside who knows, something can happen too especially since it's dark. “It's better to hurt some asshole outside than my own mother” thought James. So. he left. His mother was bitter about that but what could she do with her condition? She is at his son’s mercy. He walked outside the old building. Outside was very dark because very few night lights worked. He walked through the dark and light. There were some kids smoking something looking like gangsters around there. It was a bad neighborhood. He walked and walked until he got to the bus stop. “I hope there will be no ticket controllers tonight.” thought the heavily smoking man with his head down as he felt bad that he just left like that when his mother needed his help. Soon enough the bus came. Broken and with graffities on it. James got on it but he didn't know where to go. The bus came and he got on it slowly and he sat on one of the back seats. ‘It’s very dirty as always and stinks. I was supposed to be away from all of this many years ago“ thinking out loud. People looked at him as if he was crazy. When he realized that he was talking outloud looking at one point at the bus he felt like his clothes had been taken off but also felt strange that people looked afraid of him. Anything could happen in this neighborhood. Better watch out for crazy people. He felt ashamed and judged so he decided to get off the bus as soon as the bus stopped. He sat at the bus stop all alone, frustrated and sad.
But there were some young people coming. James sensed danger but he thought that maybe he was just being a little paranoid. They surrounded him. Called him names and laughed about it. One of them sat next to the problemed man and put his arm around him whispered in his ear:
“Today is your last day”
James knew that what he just said was just to make him scared but who knows? The street was dark and nobody except for them was there. They reminded him of his school bullies who tortured him every day. But what could he do? He was all alone. One of the bullies smacked James and that made fear turn into such anger that he could not control himself and he punched the bully in the face knocking him out but that was not good for James as the others jumped him and beat him up very terribly. Broken and bruised lying on the ground. Crying turned to maniacally laughing. After some hours he could have gotten up but he was lying there on the ground thinking about his life and not knowing what to do. He thought that he would never get out of pain and suffering.Busses came and went but no one cared. After a while there was a smile on his face with the words “Oh it's good. It will get even better but not just for me.”
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Comments
Hello Hakan.
Hello Hakan.
I like your story and from your words I get a feel for the situation and atmosphere you describe.
However, there are some issues with sentence structure and punctuation. If you have written this as a Word document you might find it worthwhile to run it through Spellcheck.
Also, I'd say you've used TV too many times. This is what hit me even before I started reading.
I hope this helps.
Turlough
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Hi Hakan, you've asked for
Hi Hakan, you've asked for criticism so here goes:
There's a lot that's good in this piece of writing. If I were you I would start with the bare bones and have another go at it. Strip it right down.
here's an example:
'Soon enough the bus came. Broken and with graffities on it. James got on it but he didn't know where to go. The bus came and he got on it slowly and he sat on one of the back seats. ‘It’s very dirty as always and stinks. I was supposed to be away from all of this many years ago“ thinking out loud. People looked at him as if he was crazy. When he realized that he was talking outloud looking at one point at the bus he felt like his clothes had been taken off but also felt strange that people looked afraid of him.'
you're saying the same thing twice - about getting on the bus.
'I was supposed to be away from all this many years ago; he thought. When saw people looking at him as if her were crazy, he realised he'd been speaking out loud and felt exposed. People looked as if they were afraid of him'
I'm not sure where you're based but 'handicap' isn't an acceptable word nowadays, and a handicap chair never existed here. Do you mean wheelchair?
'one of them sat next to the problemed man' - troubled?
there are quite a few issues but I dont have time to go through them all. Do have another go at this. It's definitely worth the efffort. Good luck!
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