A Matter of Opinion

Archibald and Josiah were busy polishing one of the fleet of limousines in the yard of Oakshott and Underwood.  The mood was rather tense, as it had been since the meeting in Josiah’s office about the unfortunate text sent from the Late Mr. Sharp’s mobile phone.

“Nice day for it, innit?” Archibald advanced, eventually, in an effort to break the heavy silence.

“Hmmm” Josiah agreed in a distracted manner.

“Just want the pigeons to fly over now and that’s all we’d be short of, eh?” Archibald tried again.

“Hmmm”

“I erm” Archibald swallowed hard, “I don’t suppose you’d be interested in hearing a marketing idea?”

Josiah stopped his polishing and looked hard at his employee.  After a tense few seconds, which felt like hours, he responded:

“You would suppose correctly, Archibald”

“Oh!” Archibald looked crestfallen, “only I reckon it would do us a bit of good” he persisted.

“Am I correct in thinking that, unless I hear this proposal of yours, you intend to keep going on about it ‘ad nauseum’?” Josiah raised an eyebrow.

“Erm, well, no, it’s got nowt to do with museums” Archibald shook his head, “I was thinking about them surveys that everyone sends out, these days”

“Surveys?”

“Yeah, you know, if you buy owt online, the next thing you get is an email or summat asking you to fill out a survey to say how well they’ve done” Archibald explained.

“I rarely, if ever, purchase anything via the internet” Josiah said, tersely.

“Oh well, you probably don’t get them, then” Archibald conceded, “but most of us do.  I just wondered if we should be doing the same?”

Josiah stared at Archibald for a while, again.

“I wonder if that would be entirely wise, Archibald?” Josiah suggested, through gritted teeth, “I’m thinking of the possible response of, say, Mrs. Sharp following that text (see ‘Is There Anybody There’)?  Or, for that matter, Mrs. Anderby and the unfortunate incident with the potting compost (see ‘Last Rights’)?  Perhaps Mrs. Papodopoulous and the issues she experienced with her proposed burial at sea (see ‘For Those in Peril on the Sea’)?  Or, should we survey Mrs. Murgatroyd about her experiences when we attempted a Viking funeral for her late husband (see ‘Up-Helly-Aarggh)?”

“Ah!” Archibald blushed deeply.

“You see, Archibald, surveying your customers can be useful if you can be reasonably sure that the response you are going to receive will be, for the most part, positive and rewarding…” Josiah began.

“Yeah, but even them you mentioned came round in the end, didn’t they?” Archibald suggested.

“In the case of Mrs. Anderby we were fortunate to encounter someone with a bizarre sense of humour.  Mrs. Papodopoulous and Mrs. Murgatroyd were only mollified following lengthy correspondence and discussions with myself, whereas Mrs. Sharp has thankfully taken on board the kind ministrations of Ms. Knight” Josiah pointed out.

“But there’s loads of others where it goes all right, isn’t there?”  Archibald said, hopefully.

“Thankfully, that is the case, Archibald” Josiah nodded, “otherwise, neither of us would be engaged in paid employment”

“So, a survey wouldn’t be all that bad an idea, then?”

“I fear that our profession does not lend itself to such things, Archibald.  As I have pointed out to you before, our business is not as others are” Josiah sighed, “come with me, I’ll explain something to you about surveys”

Josiah strode off to the main building, with Archibald skipping behind him, arms full of cloths and polish tins.

Once inside, Josiah went over to the white board on which the commissions for the week were detailed.  He cleared an area of the board with one of the cloths.

“Take a seat, Archibald” He motioned to one of the work benches, “now, think of a local business where you’ve had mixed results”

“What, where it ain’t gone so good, you mean?”

“Well, maybe some good bits, some not so good?”  Josiah suggested.

“Oh well, that’s easy.  My local chippy is a pain.  It doesn’t matter when you go in, they’re always ‘waiting for chips’!  I mean, they’re a chip shop, how come?”  Archibald said, with some feeling.

“You have mentioned this before, Archibald”

“But then, when you get your food, eventually, it’s not that bad” Archibald conceded.

“Yes, that’s ideal.  What is the name of this establishment?”

“Well, it’s supposed to be called ‘Good Buy, Mr. Chips’…” Archibald began.

“Ah, a pun on the classic film starring Robert Donat” Josiah smiled.

“Is it? I dunno about that” Archibald mused, “any road, the signwriter didn’t hear it right, so it says ‘Good Boy, Mr. Chips’.  They were dead narked about it, ‘cause it didn’t make sense any more.”

“I can understand their disappointment” Josiah concurred.

“They finished up having to put a picture of a dog on it.  Only then people kept coming in and asking for Hot Dogs!”

“Well, be that as it may, let us imagine that your unfortunately named chip shop were to ask you to complete a survey.  They might ask a question such as ‘How would you rate ‘Good Boy, Mr. Chips’? Might they not?”

“Well, yeah, I suppose so” Archibald nodded.

“And they might ask you to choose a response from a range such as this” Josiah set about drawing a line with five points on it “where ‘1’ is ‘Very Poorly’ and ‘5’ is ‘Very Good’, with ‘3’ being ‘Neither Good nor Bad’.  How would you rate your chip shop on that scale?”

“I suppose I’d have to go for ‘3’, ‘cause, although the food’s alright you always have to wait”

“Indeed, and I suspect most people would go for that rating, unless you had been particularly impressed by them or had received particularly bad service” Josiah nodded, “but, such a rating is not, as you can imagine, really of much use to the organisation.  You cannot gain much from advertising that most people think you are ‘Average’, can you?”

“S’pose not” Archibald looked thoughtful.

“So, therefore, most surveys eliminate the middle option, like this” Josiah rubbed out the number ‘3’ and reconfigured the line with four points, ‘Very Poorly’ – ‘Poorly’ – ‘Good’ – ‘Very Good’. “Now how would you rate your chip shop?”

“Well, I dunno” Archibald frowned, “It wouldn’t be fair to say ‘Poorly’, not really.  I reckon I would have to go for ‘Good’”

“Precisely!” Josiah smiled, “by forcing your choice, you are pushed toward the positive end of the scale, even though that might not fully encompass your experience.  Now your chip shop could honestly say that the majority of their customers rated their experience as ‘Good’ or ‘Very Good’, could they not?”

“Ooh, that’s sneaky!”

“You might think that, Archibald.  Now, imagine we change the question slightly, as well as the rating scale” Josiah did some more rubbing out, “So, we change the question to ‘How Good did you think our service was today?’ and we rename the four points on the scale to ‘Not Good’ – ‘Fine’ – ‘Very Good’ – ‘Excellent’.  Now how would you rate your chip shop?”

“Well, it would have to be ‘Fine’ at least” Archibald suggested, “I don’t see how it could be much else!”

“No, indeed!” Josiah looked pleased with himself, “the question now suggests that your service must have been ‘Good’ and three out of the four possible responses are positive.  On this basis, the majority of the responses the organisation received, would have to be positive”

“Oh yeah” Archibald nodded, “that’s a bit naughty too, innit?  I guess you could have ‘Good’ – ‘Really Good’ – ‘Belting’ – ‘Awesome!’ and then you couldn’t go wrong?”

“Well, yes, but I doubt many people would give credence to such a scale.  However, note that you are not being asked to rate the service, you are being asked how good the service was, presupposing that it was good, which is not quite the same thing,” Josiah frowned, “and that is why you should be highly sceptical of the results of any survey.  It is all dependent on the questions being asked and the range of responses available.” Josiah looked pleased with his handiwork.

“But, if you can do that, then we could get some brilliant responses” Archibald suggested, “even with them people what you said wouldn’t be too chuffed!”

“I am sure that we could, Archibald, but I could not, in all conscience, do such a thing” Josiah shook his head, sadly, “we have to remember that we are dealing with people at one of the worst points in their lives.  It would be crass, in the extreme, to ask them to complete, what is sometimes termed a ‘Happy Sheet’, at the conclusion of that process”

“No surveys then?” Archibald asked, sadly.

“I regret not, Archibald” Josiah confirmed, “we must content ourselves with the repeat business that we, thankfully, receive from the families who have entrusted us with their loved ones over the years and with the ‘word of mouth’ advertising that flows from consistently good and thoughtful service.  Well, mostly consistent” He corrected himself.

“I’m sorry about that muck up with Mrs. Sharp” Archibald said, quietly.

“As Ms. Knight so accurately pointed out, it was an honest mistake, Archibald, and we live to fight another day” Josiah patted his miserable employee on the shoulder.

Archibald looked up and grinned,

“More than you can say for Mr. Sharp, innit?”  He said, slyly.

“Oh, Archibald!”  Josiah stalked off to his office, shaking his head, but quietly smiling to himself.