The Fifth Horseman (1)

I was busy processing the latest numbers on impossible deaths when a figure appeared beside me, as if had magicked himself there, which of course he had.

"Boo", he shouted in my right ear (all the Horsemen share the Great Knowledge which meant that War knew I was partially deaf in my left).

"Lord War," I said calmly. "I wasn't aware that an appointment was scheduled. Death is out gathering souls."

"Not aware!" he said/shouted (if this was a movie War would be played by Brian Blessed). "But I received a summons."

"A summons," I said, surprised, as Death has never issued a summons to the other Horsemen, and will only do so in one specific circumstance.

"Yes," said another figure, "a summons like this,".  Pestilence held up an identical yellow card. In a movie Pestilence would be played by Emma Thompson, all long hair, hippy clothing and reeking of scented candles.

"Poxy, I thought you were tied up with your killer cold. What's up, has mankind defeated your latest plague with Lemsip?"

"Hello Scraps, how's your little war in Ukraine, death toll hit six figures yet? My 'little cold' has just passed three million. More deaths than either of your 'great wars."

"At least they're all proper deaths, Poxy. Legs blown off, bullets through the brain, schools and hospitals bombed, none of your sniffling to death in a handkerchief. And my mate Putin has his finger on the nuclear button. I bet that that's what this is about." He held up his summons. "The end of the world is here."

"Sorry if I'm late to the party," said a third figure, "but I was visiting a land so bleak and empty, so distraught and savaged by merciless sun and death that I really didn't want to leave." The third figure, all pale skin and emptiness, would be played by David Thewlis.

"Yes, I heard it got pretty hot in Cleethorpes this summer,” said War. “They had to cancel the trains, there's been nothing like it since there were leaves on the line."

"May I see one of the summonses," I said.

"Here, have mine," bellowed War. "Ignore the red stains, I was drinking red wine when the Russians bombed the cafe I was drinking in."

It was an ancient parchment dating from the early days of gods and men. The writing was as old as the first cave carvings, heaved into the parchment in the rough hew of the first written words, though the language was modern English, as if it had been written many millennia ago in anticipation of today.

"Now," it read. I checked the back, there was nothing, just another red stain.

"They're all the same dear, though there's no blood or wine on mine."

"But a summons," I said. "To His fellow Horsemen. I thought that would only come at the end."

A fourth figure appeared, dressed in smart travel clothes. In a movie he would be played by Michael Palin.

"Sorry I'm a bit late," he said. "I've been visiting the distant corners of the solar system. Absolutely fascinating, so peaceful, so quiet. I was sad to leave."

"Who are you," we all said simultaneously.

"The Fifth Horseman," he said.

"But there are only four Horsemen," bellowed War. "Death, War and the other two," he gestured carelessly to Pestilence and Famine. "We've been here since the start of time. Where were you all this time?"

"Oh, I've been travelling, out by Pluto, Neptune, way out and beyond. But now I'm back."

"But who ARE you?" I asked.

"ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE THE FIFTH HORSEMAN", said Death, for He was with us all along. "AT LAST WE ARE ALL GATHERED TOGETEHER. THE FIVE - WAR."

"I'm here. The end of days. I hope it's nukes, I've been waiting on the big launch for decades."

"PESTILENCE",

"Gosh, does this mean that the new Covid strain really is as lethal as I'd planned."

"Oh tish," bellowed War, "Or should I say atishoo, you think mankind is going to sneeze its way to oblivion?"

"FAMINE",

"I hope everything is destroyed, not just mankind, the entire earth, every plant and animal. I do enjoy a ruination."

"AND METEOR STRIKE",

"Should I have a horse if I'm one of the horsemen?" said MeteorStrike. “I've only ever travelled by asteroid.”